Reassurance

Being that I am still having to play catch up with my blog, I sometimes forget what it was that I intended to write about. I tend to write a topic and save it for a later date when I have some free time to write. I saw the topic "Reassurance" in my drafts and scratched my head as to what I intended to write. I thought about deleting this draft, but figured that it was there for a reason. I have sat here saying the word "reassurance" over and over again in hopes that something would click. So here goes the first thing that has come to mind...

This damn baby subject. Never did I think it would be as much of a headache as it has proven to be. I have been off of birth control for well over a year now, with only one or two periods in between. I am always highly emotional and moody. I have hair growing in places it shouldn't, I'm overweight and my stress level has been higher than it has ever been. Not having medical, I have yet to go to the doctor to diagnose my infertility issues. If we are going to be honest, it wouldn't hurt to have sex more than we actually do. But I know that is not the number one underlying issue. I place all the pressure on my shoulders, when I know that this needs to be discussed and worked upon by the both of us. Sometimes I wonder if he is sighing in relief that nothing has come of our efforts thus far. I continuously ask him what percentage it is that he would like to have a baby with me. "50" is always his response. Maybe he is afraid, maybe he is scared. Or...maybe he truly doesn't want to have a baby and is afraid to tell me. One night while laying in bed, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down my feelings.

I feel as though you do not realize how important and confusing this time of my life is. All I need is your upmost support. I do not ask for much in our marriage and have given nothing but support and understanding throughout the years. I know you feel as though you are being supportive, but I am in need of more. It takes a lot for me to ask this of you, but please take a walk in my shoes and try to best understand my thoughts and concerns. I would love more than anything to be a mother and to have a chance to make a family with you. You have been by my side for going on thirteen years and I want us to enjoy this next chapter of our lives together. I am scared too, but life it full of taking chances. I feel as though we deserve this opportunity. I would be so lucky to call you the father of my child. If a baby is not in the cards for us, then so be it. Life has had a funny way of laying out the cards for us. I am in this marriage until forever. You have already given me the life I have always dreamt of . As long as I am by your side, I will be happy. We are forever. 

I am approaching the big 3-0 (gulp) and cannot help but to have this on my mind daily. Now is the perfect time for us to have a baby. We have been married for almost three years now and have enjoyed this time together. We have a house, cars and near zero debt. How much more prepared could we be? If having children is not in the cards for us, I truly do not know how I will cope with that decision. Do I wait around forever in hopes that one day he will walk in the door with a huge smile on his face, proclaiming that he would want nothing more than for me to have a baby with him? Do I move on and leave this subject to rest? This runs rounds in my head, without a answer in sight.

Back to the word reassurance. Throughout our relationship, I have NEVER had to worry about trust issues. We do not argue about religion nor politics. We sometimes argue about money, but who doesn't.? The one thing I crave is reassurance.

"The action of removing someone's doubts or fears." 

I want to be able to discuss our future without arguing or growing frustrated. I want him to tell me that he would love to one day make a family with me. I need strength to deal with the harsh reality that this may be something that he doesn't want. Time will tell. I am a huge believer in fate and know that if we are meant to have children, that we will. I need to let go and enjoy this life that we are living in the moment.

*This blog was extremely emotional and hard for me to put into words. Any and all negative comments will be deleted.*