Mother's Day

For a number of different reasons, I hold a lot of resentment towards my mother. I am angry at her for the choices she made when I was a child and how she chooses to treat me as an adult. This past Mother's Day, I felt as though I should push those feelings aside and go out of my way to show her a good day. I spent more than my means in order to get her some gifts that she had been wanting. The husband and I took her to her favorite restaurant. Although we had a nice visit, it did not feel relaxed and natural. Somewhere throughout the years I have lost the mother that I once idolized. Truth be told, I think she is lost herself. I left our dinner date feeling empty and confused. Did she still have unconditional love for me? Why does she place my siblings on such a high pedestal? The drive home gave me some time to ponder these questions. That is until I looked over at my husband and saw a concerned look on his face. With a simple "What's wrong babe?" question, he lashed out in anger. We have been together for thirteen years, his mother had passed just a few short months before we met. Mother's Day has always been a sore subject for him, understandably. Over the years he has been great about spending the day with my mom and showering her with presents. This was the first year that he had voiced how hard it was for him to sit at that dinner table as I interact with my mother on this very hard holiday. My heart filled with sorrow. And anger.

I felt sad that we were unable to spend the day with his mother. I felt bad  that I did not stop for a minute and think how he must have felt as we wrapped presents in pretty Mother's Day wrap and treated her to dinner. I felt angry because I felt he didn't understand the importance of me reaching out to my mom on this special day. After my dad passed, she was all I had. Even if failing, I had to try my hardest at trying to mend whatever relationship we might have left. I wanted him to understand where I was coming from. But, I also needed to remember where he was coming from. This may be an issue that we never are able to see eye to eye and I need to accept that. Maybe one day when/if we have our own children, Father's Day and Mother's Day will once again be a holiday that we can celebrate with joy instead of sorrow.