Broken heart

I have not written about any of my family issues in quite some time.  I guess it is because I don't really want to see my thoughts written out, I don't want to shed anymore tears or deal with this aching pain in my heart. I have to remind myself that writing about it, is good and helps to get these stresses off of my shoulders. Here goes nothing...

Right after Mother's Day, my oldest nephew had gone missing for a week. I was the only person in the family that tried looking for him. I was afraid that he had no where to stay or was getting into trouble. It took me five days to find him. He told me that he was not happy at home and did not get along with his moms new husband. He wanted to work hard in school and get his life on the right track. I told him that he could come stay with me but that I had rules, no drugs or sex in my home. He did not like these rules and decided that he would like to go live with my mom. I did not like this idea from the beginning, but my mom felt like he had no where else to go and she wanted to take him in.

Since he has moved in, shit has splattered all over the fan. My moms health has been declining recently and she has been having a really hard time. Because my mother and I are still struggling with our relationship, we do not speak often and go long periods without talking to each other. She had confided in my about a month ago that her pain pills had gone missing. Of course we knew who had taken them. I told her this was not ok and that she should say something to him. She was afraid of "upsetting" him and just wanted to let this incident slide. Within a three weeks period, he had stolen her pain pills, blood pressure and depression medicine. He stole most of her jewelry, some of which were her mothers that is now passed. And some other important things of hers that are irreplaceable. He comes to her house and passes out in the middle of the day. It is now apparent that his drug use has gotten out of control...just like his mom.  

This has kept me up for nights on end. I decided to head over to her house and install a lock on her bedroom door. While I was there, I searched his room in hopes of finding her belongings. I found multiple empty alcohol bottles, baggies full of pills, stolen items stuffed in dresser doors and mason jars under his bed containing drugs. My anger out weighed the feeling of my heart breaking. I took pictures of what I found, I will not post them for obvious reasons. I sent them to my brother and told him in so many words to deal with it. My mom is too worried of upsetting him {even though he clearly does not care about her feelings} and does not want my addict sister upset with her either if she were to kick him out. Therefore, this gets placed on our shoulders to get something done.

Yesterday my mom had to have surgery and I was going to be there for her and take care of her for the day. Upon arriving to her house, she told me that stuff was missing out of her purse and that drugs were found in the laundry room. She gave me the drugs to discard. This day also happened to be my nephews 21st birthday. I was sure that being his birthday that he would not be at her house, he would be out getting drunk. This was fine with me so that my mom could rest and recover from surgery. I was wrong. He walked into her home at 7pm, absolutely intoxicated. I know he had been drinking, but this was more than that. He was talking a mile a minute, not making sense, stunk of sweat and proceeded to make a plate of brownies, put it on the floor and eat it like a dog. I could see on my moms face that she was scared and devastated. My mind was telling me to grab him by the hair and throw him outside, my body was frozen and scared.

What the hell had happened to my first born nephew? I love him more than anything in this world, yet he has turned out just like his mom and is everything that I hate. I never thought, or maybe didn't want to believe, that he would ever do this to my mom. I called my brother immediately to tell him what had happened. He did not want to make a fuss about it and upset my mom while she was recovering and said he would figure something out soon. My nephew passed out right away and slept for the next 15 hours. As I got my mom ready for bed that night, I tucked her in and put the phone next to her pillow. I told her good night and that I loved her. As I walked out of her room, she asked me to lock the door to her bedroom so that she would feel safe. My heart fell to the floor. I was sick to my stomach leaving her there with him in the house. I cried the whole way home.

I have so much hurt and anger. On one hand, I feel bad that my mom is going through this and there is nothing I can do to help. On the other hand, I am happy that she is going through this and finally seeing first hand what I have seen for years and why I wanted to walk away from my sister and her children. October will be one year since I have seen my other nephews. A piece of my heart is broken, yet I am getting use to it and find myself saying "good riddance" more and more.

I don't expect anyone to have read this whole thing, it wasn't for you. It was for me...I want to look back at this one day and remind myself why I chose to make a life for myself and get this negativity out of my life. Even though I have my husband, I feel so alone and lost. My emotions are all over the place and I am really struggling to get the sorted out. Not really sure where to go from here...I know that it will get worse before it gets better and I am not ready for that.

“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.” 
-William S. Burroughs

Busy Bee

I had a complete panic attack when I looked at the calendar last week and saw that summer was almost over! Where did the time go?? There were so many things that I wanted to do this summer and feel like I didn't get to check anything off. I figured while the weather was still good, I should try to squeeze in as many things as I could. My 'summer bucket list' was in full effect last week.

Near where my mom lives is a movie theater called the Cinnebare. It is a theater/restaurant that is 21+ only and serves great food and drinks while watching your movie. My mom was in need of a pick me up and has always wanted to go, so I picked her up and headed to the theater. She wanted to see Hope Springs. Oh my God! It was the most uncomfortable thing ever. My mom was the youngest person there besides me, the whole theater was full of grandmas. *Spoiler alert* For those of you who have not seen the movie, there happens to be a scene in which Meryl Streep "pleasures" herself. Cue the nervous laughter and me wanting to crawl under my seat! The food was good though, and my mom loved it there. Every Tuesday is $5 movies and on Sundays, seniors get to see a movie for $5. She said she cannot wait to go back!

Afterwards, we swung by a local farmers market. It was really neat! Most of the stuff there were fresh fruit and vegetables, which were priced really good and looked delicious. The other half was like a huge garage sale, there was so much to look at and I felt a little overwhelmed. I scored {brand new in the box} net Christmas lights for a bush for only one dollar. I sure have been finding some good bargains this summer for Christmas decorations, it will be nice to have it all when the holidays are here. By the way, only four more months until Christmas! AHHHH! Most of all, I loved all the beautiful flowers. The boquets were colorful and huge! And the best part?? Only F-I-V-E dollars! Woot woot.

I had promised my niece that I would take her out for the day, so I chose Friday to go on our adventure. We started our day at the Kangaroo Farm. The price to get in was only seven dollars and it was not too long of a drive to get there, I thought it would be a lot of fun and something that we would never forget. I was not sure what to expect...maybe seeing a couple kangaroos behind a fence? Boy was I wrong! You get to go on a 40 minutes tour where you learn things about the different animals that are there. While you are walking around the farm, the animals are roaming around...NOT BEHIND FENCES! They are right there, in front of you! You even had to be careful where you were stepping so that you did not step on a kangaroo tail, a duck or a turtle even. It was so cool! I have been to the zoo plenty of times and love seeing all the animals, but this was so neat being able to be right there with them and feeing them bread. We got to see/feed donkeys, ducks, lemurs, llamas, turtles, horses and of course the kangaroos. We did not get to feed the turkeys, ostriches or the mini horse, because they bite!  It did however stink really bad and because it is summer, there were a trillion kids there. I would love to go back with a smaller group and shoes that I don't care to get dirty.

Towards the end of the tour, the tour guide informed us that if we "kissed" the llama we could get a free bumper sticker. Now, I love more than anything to get free things, but this was something that I was not willing to do. My niece begged and pleaded with me to do it and even made me pinkie swear that if she did it, that I would have to do it also. She gave a good guilt trip. She had asked me to go first, and being the adult, I figured I should. It was the worst thing ever! His teeth were huge and yellow and were approaching my face at a fast speed. I think he even nipped my lip! Actually, my mouth still tasted like hand sanitizer as I sit here and type this. Oh and by the way...she backed out and was too scared to kiss him. Seriously? I refuse to put that bumper sticker on my car!

After the farm, we went to the river to have a picnic, then went to the frozen yogurt shop before heading home. I got pineapple and pink lemonade flavor. It sounded really good and refreshing, but was super sour!!

Even though I was exhausted, I woke up Saturday morning eager to start our day! The weather was in the mid seventies and because our weather is so unpredictable, we thought we should head to the beach. I have wanted to go to the beach all summer long. I love to sit and listen to the waves crash, feel the sun on my skin and sand on my feet. I feel so relaxed by the water and don't have a worry in the world. I have had a lot on my mind recently and needed a break! We packed the cooler and chairs and made our way to the beach. The whole day was absolutely amazing. The drive there way fun with the windows down and the music blaring. We got to the beach and set up a nice little spot, we had borrowed a beach umbrella, but it didn't cover us very well. The left side of the husband got burnt and the sun got my right side. haha! We ate lunch on the beach and watched the boats going by and the kids playing in the water.

The beach that we went to, also had a lighthouse! I have seen the lighthouse before but have never been inside of it. We had seen lots of other people going in and out of it and thought we would go see how much it cost to get in. To our delight, it was free to go on a tour, but donations were encouraged. There were not too many stairs to walk up, but once you got to the top it was really claustrophobic! Only six people could fit in there at once. My legs started shaking a little and my food felt like it was going to come up at any moment. The view was amazing and we learned a lot about the lighthouse! It was built in 1902 and the light that is up top was had made in the 1800's and still works to this day! The light bulb inside is really, really small. But because of the way the glass is made, it shines really bright for all the boats to see. This specific light shines for two seconds on and then three seconds off. Each lighthouse has a specific amount of time that it shines so that the boats can look at the timing and tell what lighthouse they are passing. Pretty interesting! We had a blast taking pictures, but I was ready to get back to the bottom.

Before going back to the car, we saw a little ice cream shop down the street and ran as fast as we could. We both picked out a waffle cone with swirled chocolate and vanilla soft serve ice cream. It was like heaven in my mouth. It really cooled us off and made the walk back to the car not as horrible.

I could not have asked for a better day. I finally felt like we were enjoying the summer! I am sad to think that it is almost over. I have a few more activities planned and hope that I get a little more tan before hibernating for the winter. Until next time!

Summertime

♫ Summer, summer, summertime time to sit back and unwind ♫

Thank you Will Smith for making an awesomely amazing song that I can blare loudly in my car during the summer, with my windows down and the sun beating on my ray-bans.  

The summer festivities have continued; you know that you have had a good weekend when you wake up Monday morning and your bedding smells like campfire. This past weekend was pretty phenomenal. Friday was miserable, it was 356 degrees outside and the humidity was somewhere around 4000%! Realistically, it was in the nineties with little to no breeze. I saw my death rapidly approaching, it was horrible. I had do run some errands and got so overheated that I went to the best friends house and took a dip in the pool. It is amazing how well the pool cools you down, we actually got a little cold! I didn't return home until it was safe enough to open the windows and cool off the house. When the husband got home form work, we laid in front of the fan in our skivvies and watched a movie. Ugh, I am not a fan of the heat! We don't live in Washington for the sun!!

Saturday we got some much needed things done around the house and caught up on the laundry I had ignored during the heat wave. Later that night, we made some pizza, enjoyed a ice cold screwdriver and rented Hunger Games, we thought it was a really good movie! Normally I don't like movies like that, but it was super good! I think I may even buy it. Fast forward to two AM and the husband insisted that we run to our local McDonald's because he heard that they were now serving breakfast after midnight. I did not think this would be a good idea. We just had pizza not too long ago and since we have been eating healthier, we have not been eating much fast food, let alone eating at the hour! 

This is us at McDonald's at around 2:15 AM. He won.

The food was really good and greasy, which our stomachs did not appreciate well into the early hours of the morning. We will not be doing that again anytime soon.

Saturday we went to another junk in the trunk sale, we loved the last one so much that we could not wait to check out this one! They had about ten five booths all together, we were a little disappointed. The first and only booth that caught my eye was a Party Lite consultant. I saw some candle holders that I thought were pretty cute, she said that everything on the table was ten dollars and under! I asked how much she would want for the two candle holders that I liked and she responded that they were ten dollars each or that I could buy the pair for $25. T-W-E-N-T-Y F-I-V-E! Ummm, how is that even a good deal? She would charge me more for buying the pair?! No thank you. I bought a three dollar candle from her and walked away.

After the junk sale we had to stop by the store to grab a couple things before heading to the best friends house. While at the store, we saw these...

Cookies shouldn't be sad!

I mean, who would buy these?? They just made me sad thinking that they were not part of the eating healthy plan!

Afterwards, we went to the best friends house to have lunch/dinner and sit by the fire to eat our weight in s'mores. 

Rolo stuffed marshmallows!

Reese's cup s'more!

 It was so nice to just sit around the fire relaxing with good company, listening to music and having great conversation. Something about Tom Hanks being sexy and Jennifer Aniston having too large of nipples? Such a great time! We are really enjoying this summer and am getting sad to see it go. Although, fall is my favorite time of year! Wearing sweaters and boots, lighting candles and cuddling with my favorite blanket while sipping hot chocolate. Can't wait!

I wanted to end this blog with a quote I had seen on Facebook.

"To all the people along the way that hurt me, lied to me, betrayed and broke my heart...

You forced me to see the change that I needed in my life and gave me the determination, motivation and a belief that I needed to change.

You gave me more than you could ever take from me so, thank you!"

It is little things like this that keep me going in the right direction. Life is too damn short, I just want to do things that make me happy!

 

Time heals what reason cannot

August is here and my emotions are all over the place! This week officially marks one year since we ended some toxic friendships. As much as I know that those decisions were made for the best, it is still hard to deal with at times. I second guess myself, wondering if I have made the right choices. I sometimes look at old pictures and miss the times we had together. What I hate more than anything is thinking I made a mistake. I know these friendships were ended for a reason, and to better our life. I just hope that it gets easier as more time goes by. Why is it so hard to find true, honest and caring friends? I thought that by now that my outlook on friends and trusting people would be different. Yet again it was proven to me that people are selfish, dishonest and do not put you as high on their priority list as they are on yours. I know that I am just approaching a bump in the road and that this too shall pass. Life sure has a funny way of making sure we're exactly where we need to be. My twenties have sure proven to be a hard. Dare I say that I am ready to turn 30 and see what good things life has in store for me?

On a lighter note, on this very day three years ago the husband proposed to me! We were at the ocean on vacation; I walked down to the beach while he was back at the cabin taking a nap. The sunset was beautiful, this is the last picture I took before the camera died.

August 9, 2009

I could have stared at the skyline forever. As I turned around to start my walk back to the cabin, there he was walking towards me with a nervous look on his face. He approached me and knelt down on his knee and proposed! This year will mark our two year wedding anniversary. I am so lucky to have met the man of my dreams. Being married has had its up and downs, but I wouldn't want to walk this adventure that we call life with anyone else. Love you babe!

October 10, 2010

Lifestyle change

If you have been following my blog, you may have read that I am working on loosing weight and living a healthier lifestyle. This road has been one of the hardest paths that I have traveled down. The weight has not come off fast which really gets me frustrated and impatient. I am trying harder to understand that even though the pounds are not coming off as fast as I would like, at least they are coming off at all...and they are staying off! My summer goal is to get into the 50's, tomorrow is my weigh day and I am hoping I am a little closer to that number. *crossing fingers*

I recently went through my closet and finally got rid of all the clothes that no longer fit me. I kept putting this off because I would think to myself "What if I gain all the weight back? I won't have anything to wear!!". I tried on everything that I thought no longer fit, it was the best feeling in the world to see that these clothes did not fit me at all whatsoever and were entirely too big. For the first time I looked at myself in the mirror and realized that I have been loosing weight! Even though the scale said so, it is hard to see it for yourself.

Let me start by saying that I am in no way trying to preach to others by saying what I think they should or should not eat. I love my junk food and treats probably more than anyone else. I think that diets are temporary and not necessarily something that would work for me. I do not wish to be skinny, I just want to be more healthy and get some weight off of me. I would like to have more energy and look better in my clothes. I am not a fan of exercise and have found it hard to find something a work out routine that I will stick to and follow through with. Because I do all the cooking and grocery shopping for our house I knew that it was up to me to make changes in our eating habits and to get us on the right path.  Getting drama and negativity out of our lives was and still is a hurdle to get over, but has been amazing for our mental well being. Food was always something we had a hard time tackling. The husband and I made a decision to try and make an effort to not place ourselves on a diet, but to change the way we ate and to stick to it. We have had some misses as far as "healthy" foods go, we do not want to force ourselves to eat things that we do not like, we like food too much for that nonsense!

I wanted to share what has been working for us, I can't wait to find more items to add to our food selection that we like and actually enjoy eating. Trust me when I say that if we can do it, ANYONE can do it. The husband is down twenty pounds since we started our lifestyle change. I am really proud of how far we have come. I just wish it was a little easier, but nothing in life is easy right?

We no longer eat white bread or rice. Believe it or not, I prefer the wheat bread and like it a lot better than white now. The brown rice has been a little harder to get use to. I think it may be a texture thing?

Instead of filling ourselves with sugary drinks (especially when it is hot out) we get sugar free juice that is only 5 calories per serving! It is really, really good, we don't think it taste watery at all and the flavors are amazing. I get one container of juice packets which makes 12 quarts for under $2! Can't beat that, a ton cheaper than soda. Our favorite flavors are orange, fruit punch and pink lemonade.

We are trying to fill the fridge with light items. This is a work in process as some light items we think do not taste very good. Trial and error! The light yogurts are really good though, just be careful of all the different flavors, pick ones that you know you will like. The husband says the Raspberry Cheesecake tastes like "rotten lemons mixed with tequila" yummm.

Diet soda! Never would I have ever thought I would drink it! I thought it was gross. Before buying a whole case, I would try one here or there from friends houses. The Dr. Pepper is outstanding. I don't think it tastes diet at all! Now when I have a regular Dr. Pepper it tastes really sugary to me, like I can feel it going through my veins! Recently we got diet Pepsi, it is the only diet soda the husband will drink, it is too hard for him to give up his once daily Mountain Dew (we will work on that slowly) but I am glad I found one that he will drink! Cutting down on drinking your calories is the number one thing that will help you loose weight! I am not a fan of counting calories, but for one day try to write down all the calories you have drank, it will surprise you! Try a diet...it really is not that bad!

Snacking. I hate that word, it is my weakness! Especially when I am bored or upset I find it easy to walk into the kitchen and grab a snack. A friend of ours had told me about these little 100 calorie packs, I was for sure they would taste horrible. They are the most amazing things I have ever placed into my mouth, AND I don't feel bad because they are only 100 calories! I get a box with 12 bags of treats for under $4. They have cheese crackers, brownies, chocolate chip cookies, short bread cookies and rice crispy treats. Mmmmm. Now I just need to work on telling myself that eating all 12 bags in one sitting is NOT a good idea ;) *Just kidding, I never did that, although it is really tempting!* Would I even admit that on my blog?? Probably...

So give it a shot, try something that is a little more healthier than you would normally eat. Don't be scared, worst thing that will happen is that you don't like it! Best case scenario is that you really enjoy these new items and can start a healthier eating lifestyle one bite at a time!

Summer lovin

This last weekend was hot, hot, HOT! It got into the nineties, which in Seattle language is damn near a billion degrees! We really wanted to head to the beach but thought that we might die sitting in the sun. {Note to self: purchase a beach umbrella!} The best friend was out of town so we thought we would head over to her house and float in the pool check on the pets.

On our way to her house we saw a garage sale and felt like we just had to stop and check it out. I am so glad we did! Look at these babies that we scored for $10. TEN DOLLARS! {For the pair, not each! Brand new in the box!}


I looked online and the Buck is going for $59.99 and the Doe for $39.99! What a great deal we got! It was hard to think about Christmas when it was 462 degrees outside, but when you are on a budget, you grab a deal whenever you see one! Yay for Christmas deer!  

HOT! Yes, I know I need to dust my car.

It is amazing how fast the pool will cool you down. We sat back on our floaties with a cold drink {Powerade} and floated til our bodies were pruny. Seriously, it was the most relaxing thing ever. If her pool wasn't the size of a small island I would have totally brought it home.

I love this guy!

Across the street from her house is a yummy little frozen yogurt place. How could we not swing by for a bite...or two...or a hundred. I got cake batter and chocolate yogurt with Captain Crunch cereal and Butterfinger pieces. The-best-thing-ever!

What an amazing weekend! I love when we can just sit back and enjoy ourselves.

The tans will fade but the memories will last forever. 

Heather's lungs

While in high school I met a dear friend of mine, he name is Heather. She is the most caring, loyal and heart felt person I have ever met. Her smile is contagious and can light up the room. She has two caring and devoted parents who welcomed me into their home with open arms. She also has a brother named Justin, who was the life of the party, he always made me laugh! Her family would give you the shirt of their back, anything of theirs is yours.

Now Heather is in need of help. This was taken from her website Heatherslungs.com.

"In mid March 2012 Heather was diagnosed with "Constrictive Bronchiolitis", the very disease that took her brother 8 years ago. Today Heather has started the process to qualify for the Lung Transplant List. The testing is brutal and her reality is unimaginable. She is staring down a situation with full knowledge and experience of what the possible outcome could be. The cost of this procedure is pushing towards 1 million dollars with an annual maintenance cost of $30,000.00. Although Josh has a great job with medical benefits, the out of pocket cost is staggering. Living in a house John and Janna had to walk away from and the bank could take back at any time, the future is not so clear."

No parent should ever have to lose a child, I cannot imagine the fear they must have now. Heather has an amazing supportive husband and two small children. Please take a minute and go look at her website Heatherslungs.com or like the Facebook page https://www.facebook.com/HeathersLungs. Prayers, well wishes and donations are much appreciated. Bracelets can be purchased for $5 each! Anything helps.

Everyone deserves to take a deep breath.