I put off writing this section of my life. I have put many things behind me and strived to move on. I am hoping that in writing all of this onto my blog that it will help in the the process of putting the past behind so I can focus on the future.
As the years went by, the boys and I adapted to the new life we had made for ourselves. My sister continued to be an addict and the boys' father was in and out of jail. I was trying to be the best I could be in caring for the boys while keeping my new relationship in tact all while struggling in school. I knew that graduating high school was turning out to be a lot tougher than I ever imagined but it was extremely important to me to get my diploma, and I knew that was what my dad would have wanted as well. I transferred to a private school for my senior year so I could have more one on one help. Best decision of my life thus far. I ended up graduating with a 3.9 GPA! Putting on my cap and gown was so invigorating as it had been an extremely hard battle to get to that point. This was my first life lesson in knowing that I can do hard things.
After I finished high school, this gave me more time to dedicate to the raising of the boys. I wanted nothing more than to work on me, find a career, a job and do things for me for once. I knew that this was not the time for me, as the boys needed me, the stability I brought to their lives. I attended every school function they were apart of; field trips, assemblies, dinners and would volunteer whenever possible. When they got home I would have an after school snack on the table, we would do homework and get school projects accomplished. I would have dinner in their mouths and put a blanket over them while tucking them into bed and giving them a kiss. My sister was working at a dive bar at the time and would only come home when she felt necessary. Sometimes she would come in at five in the morning, high, with a new guy on her arm. I always was thankful that the kids were fast asleep at these times so they didn't have to witness the things I had to. Other times she wouldn't come home for days. CPS (Child Protective Services) were called a number of times for her lack of parenting. In our lovely state of Washington they do not start an investigation unless the child/children have physical marks on their body. Thank goodness the children were never physically abused, but sometimes I found myself wishing they would have been, just so we could have gotten them into a better home and more of a healthy environment. I trucked along and took everyday for what it was, working on one day at a time was all I knew how to do.
My relationship was going well. He supported me and the devotion I had for the boys. He helped when he could, financially and emotionally. I will forever be thankful for him . The boys loved him and loved knowing they had a male figure in their lives that wasn't coming and going. He gave us the feeling of stability. We fit in time for us when we could, going to the drive in for movies, out to dinner or a trip to the beach were our favorite things to do. After two years of dating he moved into the house I shared with my mother. Although I was very leery of having him move in with us, he was in a predicament and all he had done for us, how could we not help him out? This turned out to be a great change for us. He helped my mother with things around the house that we hadn't had help with for years! We both liked the feeling of having a man in the house for once. This move also brought us closer as a couple.
Life continued like this for many years, the boys were getting older and turning into young men right before my eyes. My relationship was on the right path, we had been together about six years at this point!
September 2006- We had all decided to go on a family vacation to the ocean. We stayed in a huge cabin that we had been going to since I was a baby. The first few days were not that bad. My sister was not nearly as intoxicated as she normally is and we were having a good time. Although we caught ourselves constantly walking on egg shells because we never knew how my sister was going to act towards us. A couple days later my boyfriend came down to join us, along with my sisters best friend of twenty five years. As soon as they walked into the cabin you could tell my sister was not happy. (You can never tell what an addict is thinking!) That night we were all relaxing, playing games with the kids and chatting with each other. We had noticed that my sister was no where to be found. She traced into the house sometime late in the night, and we paid her no attention. The next morning I was awoken by my sisters best friend, she told me that there was a guy in the kitchen. WHAT?!... I went down to investigate, to see that it was one of her boyfriends at the time. When did he get there? Was he in the cabin while we were sleeping? Is that why she was gone all night? I had came unglued.
The afternoon had came, we all decided to go our separate ways as none of us wanted to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend. She took the boys with her and the rest of us went shopping for the day. When we returned to the cabin, I was the first one to walk through the door. "You bitch, you picked sides! I am leaving!!" Was the first thing I heard. Up until this point I had never stood up to my sister or told her how angry I was with her life style. My whole life I have held everything inside and just slapped a smile on my face. Not this time! "Picked sides? What are you talking about?" I responded. She told me that because we went shopping with her best friend instead of spending time with her that I had picked sides. She was acting crazy! Like when she is high. She had been acting fine until her boyfriend came. They were probably out the night before doing God knows what. Now all of a sudden she was acting erratic and not making sense. I told her to go ahead and leave then. She told me that I would never see the boys again, as she sped out of the drive way, my mom chased after her. My sister yelled to my mom "We are not family anymore!!"
We spent the rest of the night in shock over what had transpired. I knew in my heart that things were about to change for the worse. I, however, did not know how bad things were about to get...
*Side note- Today is my sisters birthday. Although a part of me is sad to not have her in my life, writing this today made me realize that the negativity she brought to my life is no longer welcome. This is MY life and I am more than ready to move on, leaving her behind.*
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Friday, June 17, 2011
Capturing The Moment
My dad always had a camera around his neck, taking pictures was his passion. He passed this love of photography onto my brother who now is the one having a camera on him at all times no matter what the occasion. When I was in high school I took photography classes, learning to process my own 35mm film and how to use a dark room. Taking pictures was fun, but I loved knowing that I could develop my own film and watch a piece of paper turn into a photo I had taken. I knew that photography had to be somewhere in my bones but did not pursue it much further. For my twenty first birthday my brother bought me my first digital point and shoot camera. My husband and I really took a liking into getting into taking pictures and soon we found ourselves with the camera on us all the time asking people to smile! Right before the wedding we decided to invest in a more advanced camera and bought our first DSLR, although spendy, we thought since we were eloping that we would at least be able to take some really nice photos and be able to look back at them and cherish the memories we made, would be all worth the investment. We did not know much on how to work this new fancy camera, but we were willing to learn!
A few months after we purchased the camera, a friend of mine had asked if I could take pictures of her and her family because they were going to a family reunion and they wanted an updated picture to pass around and show people. I thought she had absolutely lost her mind! Why would she want me to take pictures for her?? I am not that good! I am definitely not a professional. This put a lot of pressure on me, I lacked the confidence in myself to think that I could do a good enough job. What if she didn't like any of the photos I took? I grabbed my camera and headed to her house, I figured I might as well get my feet wet and try, whats the worse that could happen? What if they turn out pretty amazing?
Not too bad! I was extremely happy with how the pictures turned out. She loved them all! I posted my favorite ones of her family that I took and posted them on my Facebook. Soon thereafter another friend of mine had asked if I would take pictures for her too at a local park! I was still nervous, but not as bad as the last time. Off to the park we went..
I was starting to get a lot more confidence in myself. I was so proud to be able to take such wonderful photos for my friends, and seeing how happy they were with the result, put a smile on my face and gave me the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe this will be something more than just a hobby? I was really starting to have fun! Next things I knew, another friend of mine asked me to take her engagement pictures. This made me a little uneasy because this was my first paid photo session and I felt more pressure to do my best work ever.
We had such a fun time taking their engagement pictures! Over two hours at the park. They had brought their dog, a St. Bernard. I had never taken pictures of pets before, let along a dog that had to have been bigger than me! Who would have thought that his pictures would turn out so good??
They were so happy with how the pictures turned out that they used them on their Save The Date cards and on a custom made Jones soda bottle!
They asked me to be the photographer for their wedding this coming July! I went to the rehearsal yesterday to see the venue, I am really excited for this opportunity. I never would have thought that my interest in photography would turn into me being a photographer for a friends wedding. This makes me feel important and is giving me the confidence I have always longed for. Stay tuned for the wedding photos!
I also got the opportunity to take pictures for the March of Dimes. The friend that I took the engagement pictures for works for the March of Dimes and asked if I could take photos for some events they had coming up. So far I have done their VIP luncheon kick off and the actual march itself. What an honor to be a part of such an amazing organization! March for babies!
I recently went to a DSLR class and am attending a photo shop class next month. I learned SO much but also know I have a ton more to learn. I do not know what the future holds, although I do know that photography has become a huge part of my life. I will forever be thankful that my father passed along his passion to my brother and me. Thank you Dad!
A few months after we purchased the camera, a friend of mine had asked if I could take pictures of her and her family because they were going to a family reunion and they wanted an updated picture to pass around and show people. I thought she had absolutely lost her mind! Why would she want me to take pictures for her?? I am not that good! I am definitely not a professional. This put a lot of pressure on me, I lacked the confidence in myself to think that I could do a good enough job. What if she didn't like any of the photos I took? I grabbed my camera and headed to her house, I figured I might as well get my feet wet and try, whats the worse that could happen? What if they turn out pretty amazing?
Not too bad! I was extremely happy with how the pictures turned out. She loved them all! I posted my favorite ones of her family that I took and posted them on my Facebook. Soon thereafter another friend of mine had asked if I would take pictures for her too at a local park! I was still nervous, but not as bad as the last time. Off to the park we went..
I was starting to get a lot more confidence in myself. I was so proud to be able to take such wonderful photos for my friends, and seeing how happy they were with the result, put a smile on my face and gave me the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe this will be something more than just a hobby? I was really starting to have fun! Next things I knew, another friend of mine asked me to take her engagement pictures. This made me a little uneasy because this was my first paid photo session and I felt more pressure to do my best work ever.
We had such a fun time taking their engagement pictures! Over two hours at the park. They had brought their dog, a St. Bernard. I had never taken pictures of pets before, let along a dog that had to have been bigger than me! Who would have thought that his pictures would turn out so good??
They were so happy with how the pictures turned out that they used them on their Save The Date cards and on a custom made Jones soda bottle!
They asked me to be the photographer for their wedding this coming July! I went to the rehearsal yesterday to see the venue, I am really excited for this opportunity. I never would have thought that my interest in photography would turn into me being a photographer for a friends wedding. This makes me feel important and is giving me the confidence I have always longed for. Stay tuned for the wedding photos!
I also got the opportunity to take pictures for the March of Dimes. The friend that I took the engagement pictures for works for the March of Dimes and asked if I could take photos for some events they had coming up. So far I have done their VIP luncheon kick off and the actual march itself. What an honor to be a part of such an amazing organization! March for babies!
I recently went to a DSLR class and am attending a photo shop class next month. I learned SO much but also know I have a ton more to learn. I do not know what the future holds, although I do know that photography has become a huge part of my life. I will forever be thankful that my father passed along his passion to my brother and me. Thank you Dad!
"
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Finding Me
As my sister found that it wasn't a priority to be at home and care for her children, I took it upon myself to step in and make sure the boys were well taken care of. My mother could not take on the burden of having four more children to take care of, she was working two jobs at the time and was still in complete denial that my sister was doing anything wrong. My brother was married now and had two children of his own and it was too much for him to take on my sister's problems as well. I cooked meals, helped with school projects, attended field trips and school functions, made sure the clothes were clean and the dishes done, put food in the fridge and disciplined when needed. I had taught myself how to be the best "step in" mom I could be, all while continuing to make my way through high school. This was a very hard time for me and I struggled lots and felt like I had lost my way, but most importantly, lost who I was as a person.
Although my sister had checked out more than not, she did however come around when it was convenient for her. She had started dating yet another guy, who happened to be her ex husbands friend. Does this surprise you? I was not very happy about this new relationship. She had wanted to start bringing the kids around to this guys house and do "Family" stuff together, little did he know, she wasn't even interested in her children at the time. My sister knew how I felt about this guy and that I was not interested in the least to go to his house or have the kids see him. One afternoon we had attended a family wedding together and as my sister and I were leaving she informed me that we would be swinging by his house. I was not happy. We got to his house. That day would change my life, more than I could have ever imagined.
Not only was my sister's new boyfriend there, but there was another guy, much younger than my sister's boyfriend. I asked who he was and why he was there. The boyfriend told me that he was a neighbor and that his mom had just passed away a few months back and he was having him over to visit and have a home cooked meal. Wow, did this boyfriend actually have a heart? Maybe he wasn't the monster I made him out to be. Either way I still wasn't happy about their relationship. Knowing how it felt to loose a parent, I thought I would go talk to this guy and maybe I could offer him some comforting advice or words of wisdom? Who am I kidding? This guy was amazingly hot and I couldn't take my eyes off of him! Would he even notice me or pay any attention that I was there? I had never had this feeling about someone before. I had never even dated or had a boyfriend, I was only sixteen for crying out loud. I had butterflies in my stomach.
Who would have guessed that ten years later that amazingly hot guy would be my husband!!
We started dating shortly after I had met him. He was four years older than me. My family was not too happy about this, but I felt extremely mature for my age, look how fast I had to grow up and the responsibilities that were thrown in my lap! I told him right away that there were four boys in my life and they mean the world to me and that I had to take care of them a lot, if he did not like that, then there was no way things would work between us. To my disbelief, he took those four boys into his life with open arms. Even though it upset him the situation I was in, he understood the love I had for these boys and knew that I would do anything and everything to help and protect them. He stood by my side and helped whenever he could with raising the boys. I also think they felt good having a stable male role model in their lives too. They looked up to him and enjoyed the time we all spent together.
I finally had someone in my life who made me feel whole. He made me feel beautiful, told me all the time how amazing I was and most importantly supported me in whatever I wanted to do in my life. Even though I still was caring for the boys and attending school, when I had free time I made sure to spend it with him. I was doing something for me that made me happy. I hadn't felt or done anything for myself like that in a long time. I was falling in love and it was the best feeling in the world...
Although my sister had checked out more than not, she did however come around when it was convenient for her. She had started dating yet another guy, who happened to be her ex husbands friend. Does this surprise you? I was not very happy about this new relationship. She had wanted to start bringing the kids around to this guys house and do "Family" stuff together, little did he know, she wasn't even interested in her children at the time. My sister knew how I felt about this guy and that I was not interested in the least to go to his house or have the kids see him. One afternoon we had attended a family wedding together and as my sister and I were leaving she informed me that we would be swinging by his house. I was not happy. We got to his house. That day would change my life, more than I could have ever imagined.
Not only was my sister's new boyfriend there, but there was another guy, much younger than my sister's boyfriend. I asked who he was and why he was there. The boyfriend told me that he was a neighbor and that his mom had just passed away a few months back and he was having him over to visit and have a home cooked meal. Wow, did this boyfriend actually have a heart? Maybe he wasn't the monster I made him out to be. Either way I still wasn't happy about their relationship. Knowing how it felt to loose a parent, I thought I would go talk to this guy and maybe I could offer him some comforting advice or words of wisdom? Who am I kidding? This guy was amazingly hot and I couldn't take my eyes off of him! Would he even notice me or pay any attention that I was there? I had never had this feeling about someone before. I had never even dated or had a boyfriend, I was only sixteen for crying out loud. I had butterflies in my stomach.
Who would have guessed that ten years later that amazingly hot guy would be my husband!!
We started dating shortly after I had met him. He was four years older than me. My family was not too happy about this, but I felt extremely mature for my age, look how fast I had to grow up and the responsibilities that were thrown in my lap! I told him right away that there were four boys in my life and they mean the world to me and that I had to take care of them a lot, if he did not like that, then there was no way things would work between us. To my disbelief, he took those four boys into his life with open arms. Even though it upset him the situation I was in, he understood the love I had for these boys and knew that I would do anything and everything to help and protect them. He stood by my side and helped whenever he could with raising the boys. I also think they felt good having a stable male role model in their lives too. They looked up to him and enjoyed the time we all spent together.
I finally had someone in my life who made me feel whole. He made me feel beautiful, told me all the time how amazing I was and most importantly supported me in whatever I wanted to do in my life. Even though I still was caring for the boys and attending school, when I had free time I made sure to spend it with him. I was doing something for me that made me happy. I hadn't felt or done anything for myself like that in a long time. I was falling in love and it was the best feeling in the world...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Cupcakes
A little secret of mine...I am a cupcakeaholic. I love everything cupcake! I love making them, eating them and buying anything cupcake related. I had to share my newest find, Vanilla Cupcake flavored Goldfish!! Can it get much better than this?? #bestdayever
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Moving On
After Dad passed away, my mom was left to figure out what to do with his mobile home and belongings. Mom had thought it was a good idea to let my sister move into his house and the kids would have more space than the apartment they were currently living in. I had mixed feelings about her taking over his house. That had been my house with my dad for many years, I didn't want her to take that over and invade this house that was special to my dad and me. On the other hand I thought that if she moved in that I could still go visit his house whenever I would want. So she moved in... had I know that this move would effect me negatively in my life I would have begged for her not to make this move. I found that every time I headed over to see the kids I would secretly hope that when I opened the door that my dad would be sitting inside waiting for me. I could spend hours looking aimlessly around the house and memories would flash before my eyes. This really stumped my grieving process and made it a lot harder for me to "move on".
My sister was everything I wanted to be when I grew up, she was an amazing, mother, homemaker and wife. I loved the time I spent with her and the kids. We would have a homemade dinner on the table every night and you could feel the love she showered on all of us. I was finally seeing what it was like to have a normal family with two parents under one roof. Her husband was a roofer so he was gone a lot working long hours and doing side jobs to make more money for the household. My sister was a stay at home mom and took care of all four kids. When I became old enough I was allowed to watch the boys all on my own so she could go on dates, or just have a break. I love this alone time I got to have with the boys and making a few dollars here and there was fun too! As time went on, I had the feeling that things were not going well in her marriage, I guess a part of me didn't want to acknowledge any problems because I loved the way things were and didn't want anything to change.
Things were starting to change whether I liked it or not. The night I realized something was wrong I had been watching the kids and it was after dinner so I wanted to turn on a movie for us to watch. I went to the entertainment center with a movie in hand and saw something odd sitting on top of the VCR. It was a tray with a mirror, straw and a razor blade on it. I did not really know what this was but I knew it was not anything good. I put it up high so the kids wouldn't get into it. When I got home I told my mom what I had found and she did not acknowledge what I was saying, she didn't want to hear it. I never said anything to my sister...I didn't know what to say. The next incident came soon after. One of the boys was not feeling well so I went to lay with him on my sister's bed so I could get him to fall asleep. As we were laying there I had grabbed a pillow and when I picked the pillow up there were two sandwich baggies fully of white powder sitting there on the bed. I knew right then there must be a drug problem. I was in eighth grade at this point. I again tried to bring this issue to my mother, she still wanted to hear nothing of it; I now know that she was in denial.
The drug use was becoming more frequent and the nights that my brother in law was coming home drunk were more often than I would like to remember. I found myself not wanting to go over there anymore, but if I felt that way, how must the boys feel? I couldn't leave them in that kind of environment by themselves! I knew that a divorce was coming in the near future, I just didn't know how it was going to pan out. My sister started dating someone before the divorce was even finalized. Me and the boys did not feel comfortable around him, we hadn't even had time to get used to the fact that their dad wasn't going to be around anymore, let alone that we had to get used to another guy so sudden. Guy, after guy, after guy, came into our lives. My sister had gotten a job at a local dive bar which was convenient for her new lifestyle. The drug use was so bad that she was loosing a lot of weight, she got to under 100 pounds, her cheeks were sunken in and her teeth were falling out. She would be so hyper during the day that we would have a hard time keeping up with her and then some days all she would do is sleep. I stopped keeping track of all the different guys she would bring home after her shift.
I was the one watching the kids while she worked, some nights she wouldn't get home until 4-5am. Most nights she would forget to come home at all. Some nights turned into days. I felt like I was now the mom to these kids while she lived her crazy life. I was in high school now and it was really hard for me to hold down her house and children all while trying to strive in school. My family enabled her and made sure she was always taken care of, because they wanted to make sure the kids were ok and had a roof over their head and clothes on their back. My sister stopped making the mobile payments, so my mom took those over and my brother did everything for her, putting groceries in the fridge, paying her car insurance and bailing her out every time she got into trouble. No one understood that I was the one who had to be there to tuck the kids into bed, help with homework and make sure dinner was on the table. I was a teenager! This was too much responsibility for me and I wasn't sure how much more I could take...
My sister was everything I wanted to be when I grew up, she was an amazing, mother, homemaker and wife. I loved the time I spent with her and the kids. We would have a homemade dinner on the table every night and you could feel the love she showered on all of us. I was finally seeing what it was like to have a normal family with two parents under one roof. Her husband was a roofer so he was gone a lot working long hours and doing side jobs to make more money for the household. My sister was a stay at home mom and took care of all four kids. When I became old enough I was allowed to watch the boys all on my own so she could go on dates, or just have a break. I love this alone time I got to have with the boys and making a few dollars here and there was fun too! As time went on, I had the feeling that things were not going well in her marriage, I guess a part of me didn't want to acknowledge any problems because I loved the way things were and didn't want anything to change.
Things were starting to change whether I liked it or not. The night I realized something was wrong I had been watching the kids and it was after dinner so I wanted to turn on a movie for us to watch. I went to the entertainment center with a movie in hand and saw something odd sitting on top of the VCR. It was a tray with a mirror, straw and a razor blade on it. I did not really know what this was but I knew it was not anything good. I put it up high so the kids wouldn't get into it. When I got home I told my mom what I had found and she did not acknowledge what I was saying, she didn't want to hear it. I never said anything to my sister...I didn't know what to say. The next incident came soon after. One of the boys was not feeling well so I went to lay with him on my sister's bed so I could get him to fall asleep. As we were laying there I had grabbed a pillow and when I picked the pillow up there were two sandwich baggies fully of white powder sitting there on the bed. I knew right then there must be a drug problem. I was in eighth grade at this point. I again tried to bring this issue to my mother, she still wanted to hear nothing of it; I now know that she was in denial.
The drug use was becoming more frequent and the nights that my brother in law was coming home drunk were more often than I would like to remember. I found myself not wanting to go over there anymore, but if I felt that way, how must the boys feel? I couldn't leave them in that kind of environment by themselves! I knew that a divorce was coming in the near future, I just didn't know how it was going to pan out. My sister started dating someone before the divorce was even finalized. Me and the boys did not feel comfortable around him, we hadn't even had time to get used to the fact that their dad wasn't going to be around anymore, let alone that we had to get used to another guy so sudden. Guy, after guy, after guy, came into our lives. My sister had gotten a job at a local dive bar which was convenient for her new lifestyle. The drug use was so bad that she was loosing a lot of weight, she got to under 100 pounds, her cheeks were sunken in and her teeth were falling out. She would be so hyper during the day that we would have a hard time keeping up with her and then some days all she would do is sleep. I stopped keeping track of all the different guys she would bring home after her shift.
I was the one watching the kids while she worked, some nights she wouldn't get home until 4-5am. Most nights she would forget to come home at all. Some nights turned into days. I felt like I was now the mom to these kids while she lived her crazy life. I was in high school now and it was really hard for me to hold down her house and children all while trying to strive in school. My family enabled her and made sure she was always taken care of, because they wanted to make sure the kids were ok and had a roof over their head and clothes on their back. My sister stopped making the mobile payments, so my mom took those over and my brother did everything for her, putting groceries in the fridge, paying her car insurance and bailing her out every time she got into trouble. No one understood that I was the one who had to be there to tuck the kids into bed, help with homework and make sure dinner was on the table. I was a teenager! This was too much responsibility for me and I wasn't sure how much more I could take...
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