Moving On

After Dad passed away, my mom was left to figure out what to do with his mobile home and belongings. Mom had thought it was a good idea to let my sister move into his house and the kids would have more space than the apartment they were currently living in. I had mixed feelings about her taking over his house. That had been my house with my dad for many years, I didn't want her to take that over and invade this house that was special to my dad and me. On the other hand I thought that if she moved in that I could still go visit his house whenever I would want. So she moved in... had I know that this move would effect me negatively in my life I would have begged for her not to make this move. I found that every time I headed over to see the kids I would secretly hope that when I opened the door that my dad would be sitting inside waiting for me. I could spend hours looking aimlessly around the house and memories would flash before my eyes. This really stumped my grieving process and made it a lot harder for me to "move on".

My sister was everything I wanted to be when I grew up, she was an amazing, mother, homemaker and wife. I loved the time I spent with her and the kids. We would have a homemade dinner on the table every night and you could feel the love she showered on all of us. I was finally seeing what it was like to have a normal family with two parents under one roof. Her husband was a roofer so he was gone a lot working long hours and doing side jobs to make more money for the household. My sister was a stay at home mom and took care of all four kids. When I became old enough I was allowed to watch the boys all on my own so she could go on dates, or just have a break. I love this alone time I got to have with the boys and making a few dollars here and there was fun too! As time went on, I had the feeling that things were not going well in her marriage, I guess a part of me didn't want to acknowledge any problems because I loved the way things were and didn't want anything to change.

Things were starting to change whether I liked it or not. The night I realized something was wrong I had been watching the kids and it was after dinner so I wanted to turn on a movie for us to watch. I went to the entertainment center with a movie in hand and saw something odd sitting on top of the VCR. It was a tray with a mirror, straw and a razor blade on it. I did not really know what this was but I knew it was not anything good. I put it up high so the kids wouldn't get into it. When I got home I told my mom what I had found and she did not acknowledge what I was saying, she didn't want to hear it. I never said anything to my sister...I didn't know what to say. The next incident came soon after. One of the boys was not feeling well so I went to lay with him on my sister's bed so I could get him to fall asleep. As we were laying there I had grabbed a pillow and when I picked the pillow up there were two sandwich baggies fully of white powder sitting there on the bed. I knew right then there must be a drug problem. I was in eighth grade at this point. I again tried to bring this issue to my mother, she still wanted to hear nothing of it; I now know that she was in denial.

The drug use was becoming more frequent and the nights that my brother in law was coming home drunk were more often than I would like to remember. I found myself not wanting to go over there anymore, but if I felt that way, how must the boys feel? I couldn't leave them in that kind of environment by themselves! I knew that a divorce was coming in the near future, I just didn't know how it was going to pan out. My sister started dating someone before the divorce was even finalized. Me and the boys did not feel comfortable around him, we hadn't even had time to get used to the fact that their dad wasn't going to be around anymore, let alone that we had to get used to another guy so sudden. Guy, after guy, after guy, came into our lives. My sister had gotten a job at a local dive bar which was convenient for her new lifestyle. The drug use was so bad that she was loosing a lot of weight, she got to under 100 pounds, her cheeks were sunken in and her teeth were falling out. She would be so hyper during the day that we would have a hard time keeping up with her and then some days all she would do is sleep. I stopped keeping track of all the different guys she would bring home after her shift.

I was the one watching the kids while she worked, some nights she wouldn't get home until 4-5am. Most nights she would forget to come home at all. Some nights turned into days. I felt like I was now the mom to these kids while she lived her crazy life. I was in high school now and it was really hard for me to hold down her house and children all while trying to strive in school. My family enabled her and made sure she was always taken care of, because they wanted to make sure the kids were ok and had a roof over their head and clothes on their back. My sister stopped making the mobile payments, so my mom took those over and my brother did everything for her, putting groceries in the fridge, paying her car insurance and bailing her out every time she got into trouble. No one understood that I was the one who had to be there to tuck the kids into bed, help with homework and make sure dinner was on the table. I was a teenager! This was too much responsibility for me and I wasn't sure how much more I could take...