A Real Friend

Today started off like any other, woke up, made the bed and packed a lunch for the hubby. My goal for the day was to try and not let things bother me, I knew to achieve this I would have to keep myself busy. I have never cleaned this hard before! I won't bore you with all the details, but the house looks brand new! I got all the laundry done and even did some baking. Rachel had called during my cleaning adventure and asked if she could swing by really quick, I told her she was always welcome here; I love having company, although I don't get it often. A little while had passed, and then there was a knock at the door...

I was greeted by the most heart felt smile I had ever seen on someones face. I could feel the love coming from the doorstep! Her arms were full. She knew we have been going through a rough time and that we have been down on ourselves lately.

She brought us dinner so I wouldn't have to cook tonight! Chicken ranch pizza, minus tomatoes and onions (we are picky!) she really knows us :] Some cheese bread and cinnamon bread too!!

As if this wasn't enough, she then handed me a Jamba Juice!

*Side note* I am a Jambaholic, I would drink it every single day if I could, who am I kidding? I would even rub it on my body! (Ok, maybe I wouldn't because that would be really sticky, but seriously that is how much I love my Jamba!!)

The most special part was that she had brought in a bag that was full of stickers, paper, pencil sharpeners and baggies! My husbands best friend is serving in Iraq right now, this is his second tour. We are getting ready to ship off some care packages for him, he had asked if we could send some baggies full of art/school stuff so he could pass them out to the children over there. I had mentioned this to Rachel, she took it upon herself to bring these wonderful things over to contribute to the care packages. What a heart felt thing to have done! Support the troops!!

But the most special thing of all, besides seeing her face, was what she gave me next. The feeling of love, the reassurance that I am indeed a good person and the warmth of knowing that her friendship is true and genuine. She will never know how much it meant to me to feel this kind of love, besides my husband, it has been a long time since I felt like this. It hit me today...it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. I know I am good person and I have an amazing husband and an extraordinary best friend. I would be lost without them. There are good people in the world, I just happen to be the lucky one to have found them. Thank you from the bottom of my soul Rachel for being you, and for being there when we needed you most. You truly are a phenomenal person!

She bought me the sign (see last blog)...she told me YOU ARE ENOUGH! I have tears running down my cheek as I write this, I will forever be grateful for her, the generosity, the kindness and the love she gives me.

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell

Just Be Me

As you know, last week I decided to delete quite a few people out of my life and off of my Facebook, totaling almost thirty people. This is something I normally wouldn't have done but found it so freeing to finally get all this drama and negativity out of my life. The day after I did the "deleting" I had gotten some rude messages from two friends (well, who I thought were friends) telling me how shitty it was for me to delete their niece/daughter who is fourteen years old. That I was intentionally hurting her by doing this. This caught me off guard, never did I, or ever would I intentionally hurt a child. I knew that because I was deleting all of this fourteen year old's family, that sadly I would have to let her go also, I very rarely spoke to her on Facebook as we talk on the phone instead. I didn't think this would upset her and maybe that is my fault for not have had thought about her feelings first? My actions had nothing to do with her, I was not singling her out or intentionally trying to hurt her, I would never do that. I deleted some of my own family, who did not have a problem at all what so ever, they understand that I am moving on and trying to start my life off with a clean slate.

The days to follow consisted of massive amounts of crying and doubting myself. I felt as though my feelings did not matter and that because someone was hurt (a child at that) that made me a horrible person. I started thinking that by deleting people I had a made a childish move, that it was selfish of me to want to move on with my life. People are saying that I hurt a child and I should be ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself...for crying uncontrollably for days on end, for doubting myself and most importantly for not being as strong as I thought I could be. Everything I have been through these last few months, I thought I had moved on and put my feelings aside. Up until this point I had not realized how little I have dealt with my feelings and emotions, I had just swept them under the carpet and figured I would get to them at a later date. Now that I am having such negative things said about me by people whom I thought were good friends, I am finding myself second guessing everything and being down on myself more than ever. More than anything I just want to move on. This has not been easy ending friendships with my friends or relationships with my family. I feel if I had not made any changes or effort to better my life, I would loose the person I thought I was. Life is way too short to always worry about what people think about you or to be considerately dealing with drama. I couldn't take any more.

I have been trying to keep myself busy so my emotions don't get the best of me. I ran errands all day yesterday. My first stop was to a local drug store, something had caught my eye.

Who knew this sign would effect me so much? In the middle is a mirror, when I picked it up I could see my reflection with the words "Just be me, it's enough". For the first time in my life I feel that is not enough, I am not enough. I feel so low and so unsure of myself. I should have bought this sign, so I could look at it every day and reassure myself that I am in fact enough! And maybe one day when I am ready, I will go back and buy it, but for right now I need to work on finding myself and what makes me happy. I can't wait for the day when I will be able to look in the mirror, smile at myself and realize that not only am I enough...I am worth it.

Friends?

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes"
-William Gibson

I love this quote! Pretty much sums up my life at the moment. My whole life I have been told by many people that I am the most caring, big hearted, generous and loyal person they have ever met. I take these compliments to heart as some people wait a lifetime to hear these amazing things said about them. But why do I now feel like these qualities about me have done nothing but cause me heartache? I always look for the best in people and remember to put yourself in other peoples shoes to better understand where they come from. unfortunately I am learning the life lesson that realizing people whom you thought were your friends, truly are not. One of the hardest lessons I have had thrown my way.

In high school I had a few good friends that I thought would last a life time. One of them (lets call her J) I had met in middle school, we did everything together, she would spend the night at my house and even go on vacations with us. When high school came, she started dating right away, this constantly made me the third wheel and eventually led us to drift apart. We still talk to this day, but nothing like we use to. We see each other maybe once a year and we only talk on the phone when something is bothering her and she wants to vent. I know the phone works both ways, but whenever I try and reach out to her I feel as though I am bothering her, as if she has other things to do.

The other friend (lets call her M) we met our freshman year of high school. She was super pretty and was a cheerleader. When she made the cheer team I thought she would get swept away in the popularity and leave me behind. She did no such thing, she let everyone know we were best friends, I went to all her practices and supported her. She has been there for me many times when I needed a friend, her family treated me as one of their own. She was one of the very few that stuck around after I met Ben, we would all do things together and her and Ben got a long really well too! I don't know why we started distancing ourselves, I think we just were at different places in our lives? I know if I called her today she would help me if I needed, but sometimes I fell as though she has turned into a "convenient" friend; she is a friend when it is convenient for her. I went to her wedding last year (which I had to find out she was getting married through Facebook) although I know she was happy that I was there, you could tell that our friendship was not the same. One day I would love to sit down and ask her what happened between us, but I don't think we are at that point yet. I feel as though maybe I don't make enough of an effort, maybe I should call more often or ask her to lunch. But I have to remind myself that it is a two way street and she needs to reach out as well.

Lastly is my dear friend (calling him M) we met in elementary school, our fathers had passed away around the same time and we found comfort in each other as we were going through the same thing. Some people might think it is weird that my best friend is a guy, but I never did, I always got along with guys better than girls for some reason. We would go to car shows together, have movie nights and could talk for hours. When I started dating Ben I wasn't sure how he would feel about my best friend being a guy, but surprisingly he did not mind. They too got along really well and we would all do things together and hang out. I could tell at times that M was leery of me having a boyfriend and just wanting to make sure he was good for me, after he saw that I was happy, he took a liking to Ben and I think they got a long really good! Anytime M would find a girl and start dating her, he would put me on the back burner, he would not want to do anything and wouldn't even return my phone calls. Eventually he would break up with the girl and my phone would start ringing again, I went through this many times as he went through girls pretty quick. Soon enough he found the right girl and proposed to her. I have never been able to meet his fiance because she does not take too kindly to him having a girl that is a friend. For this reason we parted ways, I would never want to be the reason for their relationship problems, I truly want him to be happy and if she is not comfortable with me around that I have to understand that. He knows that I will always have a place for him in my heart and maybe one day we can work on our relationship, until then I wish him a happy marriage and want nothing more than for him to live a happy life.

When I started dating Ben he told me that his best friend was enlisted in the military and was stationed in North Carolina. I met his friend and his wife a couple times when they would come home on leave, I really like them! After his time was up they moved back home and we became extremely close. Early on I could tell that there were some problems in their marriage. His wife had confided in my that she felt he was not being faithful and how scared she was that this would end their marriage. Like before I always have gotten along better with men than women and found myself building a friendship with her husband. We would talk on the phone and the four of us would do things together all the time. We became close with his family and their group of friends, eventually we all became a big group of friends! We would have the funnest parties, movie and game nights, going out to dinner or just sitting around the fire enjoying each others company. A couple years had gone by and sure shit enough he had confided in my that he indeed had not been faithful to his wife and in fact had slept with a number of different women. WHAT?!? What was I supposed to do with this information? How could I keep this from her, she was my friend too. I told Ben everything that has been said to me and he was not surprised, he had suspicions also. We had also found out that not only was he sleeping around but that he had slept with one of our mutual friends, this was the breaking point. I kept this to myself and never said a word, as time went by we were starting to notice that his true colors were shining bright and none of us liked the colors we were seeing. He was an infidel, he had no respect for his wife, children, family or even his friends. He had become an alcoholic, everything in his life had become a competition, he had to be better than anyone around him. He would brag and belittle you, say things to make you angry and hurt your feelings. We put up with his behavior for a variety of different reasons, I was very close to his wife at this time and I knew she needed a friend, we had watched his kids grow up and were very close to them.

We watched as other friends in our group would stop coming over for gatherings if he was going to be there, everyone stopped talking to him. At his birthday party we were the only ones who showed up! We knew at this point that things were pretty bad and we both individually tried to talk to him about what was going on. Neither one of us got anywhere, so many hurtful things came out of his mouth, many of which are not forgivable. He thinks he is superior to anyone and does not wrong. Sadly for him he is mistaken and has pushed away many people that I know will never come back. Because none of his friends want anything to do with him he has turned to his family, some of which for whatever reason want nothing to do with us now; who knows what was said about us. For whatever reason, his wife chose not to leave him and wants to try and fix their marriage, because I have no care for him anymore this has really hurt mine and her friendship. I wish nothing more than for her to be able to fix her marriage but unfortunately I think things are beyond repairable and I do not think I can be friends with her with the divide of Ben and I not supporting her husband. For the sake of his wife and his children I hope he gets his crap together, as friendships go, he has none and we have finally decided we will also be walking away from him. This decision has been really hard considering the length of our friendship, we have befriended his family and have numerous mutual friends together. We basically feel like we have to let them all go and move on. It has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be!

So the meaning to this blog is that I have spent many nights wondering where I have gone wrong. What is a true friend? Am I the reason so many friendships go south? Dealing with all these friends issues and my family problems as well has proven to take a toll on my self esteem. I have never in my life felt depressed, I am an outgoing bubbly person! But these last few months have put me through the ringer. I question a lot of things now and find myself not trusting many people. When I saw that quote today that before diagnosing myself with depression or low self esteem I should look around because maybe I am surrounded by assholes...it made me laugh and think "That's true! I AM A GOOD PERSON and all of them are just assholes!" :]

I would rather have one true friend than a million fake ones.

*Side note* Today I took the first step on moving on...I deleted these "toxic" friends off Facebook. I thought this would be really hard for me and I would have second thoughts, little to my surprise, I am ok with this decision and am finally ready to move on with my life! I am upset it took me this long to get to this point but am relieved that this time has come. Good riddance.

Leaving the Comfort Zone

Rachel had just purchased her first DSLR camera a few weeks back, we thought it would be fun to go on some adventures and see what photo ops awaited us! The weather was perfect! In the high 70's (which is nice for Seattle!) the sun was shining, the cameras were charged and the picnic basket packed...off we went!

Before we had left I said to my husband "I really hope to get some rail road pictures!". Well little did I know, every where we went the tracks were fenced off. We headed to the beach, we knew there were some neat rail road tracks there, but were not sure if they too were fenced off. To our dismay, they were. We got busy taking pictures of the water, watching ferries take off and enjoying the warmth of the day. Rachel had noticed that some people were up on the tracks, how did they get there? We followed close behind and saw that they were climbing rocks where there was no fence! A little side note, I am the biggest chicken you will ever meet! I do not like heights, climbing things, getting dirty...well I don't like going out of my comfort zone at all what so ever. Rachel climbed those rocks so fast, she made it look easy! A few minutes after she got to the tracks a train was coming!! I could tell that she was a little frightened, there was no way I was going to go up there with her!

In my head I kept hearing myself say over and over how badly I had wanted to get these photos, it wouldn't be the same if she took them on her camera! So up I went! I climbed all the way to the top with a little help. My heart was beating so hard I felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, my palms were sweaty, this was indeed the scariest thing I had ever done in my life. I laid down on the tracks to get the shots I had been dreaming about.

Next thing I heard was "Hurry up! A train is coming!". I have never gotten up so fast in my life. I tried to take some really neat pictures, but the rush and sound of the train froze me, like my feet were glued to the ground. I did however get one really good one!

Look how close we were!

I had done something I never thought I would have done. I felt on top of the world! I could have conquered anything at this point! Now was the climb down...that was a whole different story. The rocks were big and I felt like I had no where to put my feet, the tide was coming in and there wasn't much beach left to walk on once we got down. I thought I would never see the beach again, I would die, shriveled up right there on the rocks for the crows to come and get. This was it, I was going to die...but at least my husband would have some neat pictures to look at! With the help from my dear friend, I finally got down, after a mild panic attack, yelling, some tears and a little bit of hyperventilating. I will forever have these memories to look back and be proud for leaving my comfort zone and I will cherish these pictures for the rest of my life. Thank you Rachel for encouraging me, I couldn't have done it without you.

I came home and told my husband all about it! He was so proud (and of course a little mad that we did something so dangerous!) and he loved the pictures. I told my friend about our adventure and this is what he wrote to me...

"Awesome. It's good to push your comfort zone a little bit. Just don't push it too far. I am so proud of you. Bravery is recognizing fear but pushing past it to get the task accomplished. You should make a print of one of your shots today and hang it where you see it everyday. It will remind you how strong you are. You rock babe. Love and miss ya."

Made my day!!

Family?

Since the falling out with my sister we had not been on speaking terms. We saw each other at family events but that was about it. I still did not have much contact with the boys. I would call and check on them daily and make sure they were doing ok. She would text message me if there was ever a problem with them, other than that we did not talk. I had nothing to say to her. The summer of 2010 (four months before my wedding) she had called and said she was having some child support issues with the boys' dad. She asked if I would write a letter for her stating that I cared for the boys. I told her I would, for the sole fact that I had cared for them, for years! I told her specifically I would write a letter saying I cared for them until the end of 2006, after that is when Ben got in his accident and that is also when we had our falling out. She seemed ok with this. I knew that I had to sleep on this and take some time to think about what I would write. I knew I did not want to hand her something that she could then try to use against me (I did not trust her).

Before I could even wrap my head around what all was going on, I was contacted by the boys' father asking my why I had sent in a letter with false information on it. What the hell?! I told him to please send me the documents so I could look them over and better understand what he was talking about. When the letters arrived in the mail, I saw a childcare worksheet stating that I was a licensed daycare and that I had watched two out of the four boys for the whole year of 2007 and 2008. To the tune of fifteen thousand dollars. Yep, you read that right, $15,000! And it was signed by me. My name was forged and the writing on the paperwork was none other than my sister's. I had never felt so betrayed in my life. I contacted a lawyer and told her what had happened and that my name was forged. She said it would be in my best interest would to contact the court and file for fraud because they could turn me in for tax invasion because I had not claimed the fifteen thousand dollars that "I" said I received. I had also found out that a portion of the boys' child support had included money for childcare for quite some years even though the kids were teenagers now and never attended daycare, they were making my sister be accountable for the child support she was receiving and we believe that is why my name had been forged.

I called my mom to tell her what was happening. All my life my mom has been my number one support system, since my dad died it has just been me and her, we are always there for each other. Her reaction was "Oh, I don't want her to go to jail for this!" Wow, thanks Mom. I then called Rachel to tell her the newest crap my dumb sister was pulling. She told me that she received the same thing and that her name was forged for over twelve thousand dollars! (She also forged one of her old boyfriend's name as well as one of the boys' friends! Four people in total) I could not believe my sister had done this. This is unforgivable! I had a new home I was responsible for, I couldn't have tax invasion put on me! Rachel has a family she has to care for, she cannot have that either! What was she thinking?!? I talked this over with Ben, and we sent off all the information needed to prove that was not my signature and that my name was forged and I was not to be responsible for that money. The next thing I know, I got served papers to attend court regarding this issue. I had to answer some questions and have it put on record. I was not too happy to have to deal with all of this, especially because I was trying to put our wedding together!

August 5, 2010 a week or so before court was supposed to happen I had gotten a text message at eleven at night from one of the boys that my oldest nephew  had gotten into a fight and was at the hospital with a broken nose. I asked if he was ok and they said he needed to have stitches. I thought to myself that sounded weird because why would you need stitches for a broken nose? I started to call the other boys to figure out what was going on. I was told that he was in a fight and they think he had been stabbed. Yet again in my life, my heart sank. This is not my nephew, this is like my child! He is hurt and I am over a half hour away. Was he hurt bad? I couldn't believe what was happening and that I was going through something like this again. My friend drove me to the hospital, my nerves were getting the best of me and I didn't trust myself to drive that far.

When we arrived to the hospital I went straight to the emergency room. You could tell that his nose was broken and he had some scratches on him. I asked what happened and he said he was skateboarding with a friend and three guys came up to them and asked for money, they stole forty dollars and punched him in the face, breaking his nose. They then threw him in some sticker bushes. I asked if he got stabbed and he said "No, my leg just hurts because of the sticker bushes!" I ripped the hospital blanket off of him to see what looked to be three stab wounds on his leg, one on his hip and two others on the top of his leg. I also noticed his leg was abnormally swollen, bigger than I had ever seen it. My sister was in the emergency room too, with, you guessed it, a new boyfriend! She came in and looked at his leg, she went into one of her freak out sessions. I had asked her to please leave and compose herself. She walked out of the room, about ten minutes later, the friend who brought me to the hospital came in and told me she seen my sister and the new boyfriend doing drugs in the parking lot! Figures. The doctor had come in and said that those wounds were definitely stab wounds and that his leg, instead of bleeding out, was keeping all the blood inside and that is why his leg was so swollen. This would require surgery and was very serious.

After I got him calmed down, I left to go home, about three am. All that kept running through my head was "My baby was hurt, someone stabbed him and I wasn't there to protect him!" Surgery was scheduled for noon the next day. Almost thirty people including friends and family came to show him support. My mother, sister and the boys' dad were among some of those who came; awkward! Fortunately everyone put aside all the drama that was going on and just focused on the situation at hand. Surgery was almost two hours long, when the doctor came out to tell us how it went he had said that there were three stab wounds and that one of them had gone all the way to the bone! Because the wounds were so deep he inserted a tube into his leg to keep it open for draining. He had to stay in the hospital for a few days, the day he came home I went over to my sister's house so I could help care for him. I fought back and forth with myself about going over there, in the last four years or so I can count on one hand the times I had went there. I knew I had to put these feelings and fears aside because this was not about the relationship I have with my sister, this was about my nephew and he needed me.

I headed over in the morning, bringing food for all the kids and a Jamba Juice for him. He looked really uncomfortable, his leg seemed to not be as big as it was, but the wounds looked painful. I wanted to keep myself busy so I did not have to deal with my sister. Throughout the day she was in and out of the house, when she would be in the house longer than five minutes, she was drinking. I cleaned the house, did some cooking and folded laundry, helped him with a shower and get situated so he could get through the night without complications. After spending over eight hours there I had got ready to leave so I could go home and get some sleep so I could return the next morning. While walking to my car my sister followed me, she said she wanted to talk. I have been dealing with my sister and her addictions for many years, I have learned to deal with it and try not to let it affect me. This was the first time in my life I was scared, I was terrified of the way she was acting. She was raising her voice and getting in my personal space, telling me everything she didn't like about me and our family, almost everything out of her mouth were lies and half of the time she didn't even make sense. I knew I had to get in my car fast because I couldn't take much more. She said a lot of horrible things to me. "I didn't think you would even come to the hospital!", "Nobody helps me with the kids!". I had so much anger building up I felt like I was going to physically harm her. I got into my car and she threw her hand in my face with her pinky finger sticking out and said "You better pinky promise me that everything is fine between us!". She had lost her ever loving mind.

On my drive home I made a decision right there and then that I would never return to her house. I knew my nephew would be ok and if he wasn't I would come up with a plan B. I cried the whole way home...how did this get so bad? I thought long and hard about everything that had happened. I called the boys' dad and told him to go get his children out of her house, I did not feel like they were safe there, especially with her out of control behavior. He went to her home and was promptly arrested because she called the police on him and he happened to have a warrant out for his arrest. There went plan B! Court was to happen in a couple weeks, the day approached and my nerves were through the rough! The judge and me had talked before hand off the record about everything that was going on, she made me feel like everything would be ok and to just be myself and speak the truth. When it came time for the judge to ask me questions, every time I would answer something, my sister would say "Bull Shit!" She got reprimanded for speaking out of turn. I spoke the truth and did everything I was asked to. Court was over, I was relieved but nervous because I knew there would be repercussions. A few hours later I got a voice message from my sister saying "I am glad all that is over with, I hope there are no hard feelings between us." I vowed to never speak to her again.

My nephew did make a full recovery, he had to walk with a cane for a short while, but now walks without complications, some scarring is all that remains. My sister was held responsible for the child support she had wrongfully been getting and has to pay back that money to the boys' father, whom no longer has to make child support payments to her. However charges have not been pressed for the forging she allegedly did. She has since sold my fathers house (not giving me the chance to gather any belongings of his that still remained there) and has recently married the boyfriend I met at the emergency room. I wish her well in her life as I know that when karma comes knocking on her door she will pay for all the wrong she has done.

I have not spoken to her since October 3, 2010. Now you know why I chose not to invite her to my bridal shower or have anything to do with the wedding. However the consequences of that were the way she treated me during the most special day of my life. I have seen her at three family functions, all of which she made sure to make me feel unwelcome and uncomfortable. Things had gotten so bad that my family is now scared to be on her bad side, they don't want the children held over their head, they struggle every day to appease her and do whatever they can to make her happy.  During the Christmas holidays my mom told me she did not want me to come to her home while the boys were there because it would make my sister mad. My brother did not want me to come to Christmas dinner because they were afraid of upsetting her. I spent the holidays with my husband, by ourselves. My mom did not speak to me for months on end. I have never in my life felt so alone and abandoned. My husband has been there every step of the way, listening to me when I cry, hugging me when I need it and giving me the strength to put this behind me and move on. My mother had some health issues so I tried to regain whatever relationship I could with her, so I could be there in her time of need; after all, she is the only parent I have. As I write this, I don't know where I stand with my family. I don't know if we will ever go back to "normal", and after all this hurt they have put me through, that is not what I think I want anymore.

It has been a long journey, but I am content living my life with my husband by my side. We are our own family!

My sister

*If you or someone you know is suffering from addiction, please get help*

Rachel

I have mentioned her in a few of my posts now. She is an amazing person, inside and out. I could not imagine not having her in my life. I met her when I was two; in my car seat in the back of my parents Pinto. HA! She was my sisters best friend. She always came to our family gatherings, holidays, vacations and birthday parties. I remember her all throughout my childhood, her and my sister were really close. She got pregnant around the same time my sister did not too long after they finished high school. She would come to our house with her pregnant belly and we would talk about how excited we were because she was having a girl! I really liked her and loved when she would bring her kids over. There was an age gap between us, I considered her a family friend, she was my sisters best friend.

Around the time I was taking care of the boys, she started coming over and hanging out with us. We would take the kids to the lake or the park, we would do crafts and bake, have movie night. I really enjoyed the time we were spending together and how much closer we were getting. Because she was coming to my sister's house more often she was beginning to see the changes in my sisters behavior and the lifestyle she was starting to live. Rachel began seeing the drug use, the late night hours and the variety of men that were coming around. We were planning a surprise birthday party for my sister, I had called Rachel so we could go over the details and what not. Soon I found myself calling her more often than not. I started by apologizing for my sister's actions, which I now know it is not my place to apologize for her. We started enjoying our phone conversations, it was nice to have someone understand what I was going through, she understood how crazy my sister's life had turned into and the things I had to deal with. She supported me and would listen to me whenever I needed an ear. We became closer than I ever thought possible.

I had invited Rachel to come along to our ocean vacation, it would be like old times! We all know how that trip turned out, I feel bad to this day that she had to go through that, that her kids had to see the craziness of an addict. I hate that my sister made her feel uncomfortable and not welcome on our vacation, they had been friends for twenty five years or more, it was beyond me why my sister was treating her "best friend" this way. Things really changed after that trip. That is when I feel we formed our friendship the way it is today. Rachel has shown me what a real sister is like. She has given me love more than anyone in my family ever has. She knows everything I have gone through, she was there when my parents divorced and when my dad passed away. She has never judged me or made me feel beneath her, the way my sister has. Rachel was there to guide us on our way to owning a home. She held my hand when I got married. She has guided me through my life and been there every step of the way. I wish every one could have a Rachel in their life. I will forever be grateful for her. I know we did not start out as friends and I know it is really hard for her to have to end her friendship of over twenty years with my sister, but I would go through that all over again just to have this friendship we have built.

I love you Rachel!

Home Sweet Home

We spent the next twenty eight months dealing with the lawsuit. Between depositions, court dates, meetings and paperwork, this proved to be the most daunting thing either one of us had ever been through. Countless times we wanted to throw in the towel, but we kept saying to ourselves, nothing in life is not worth fighting for. We struggled, we fought, screamed and cried; many nights we sat in bed and wondered "Why me?". Finally we saw a light at the end of the tunnel. Unfortunately at the time of the settlement we both signed a confidentiality agreement, we cannot talk about the outcome or what transpired throughout this time. I can say that the person who caused this pain on Ben will one day have to answer to his maker. I am forever grateful that we chose to file a lawsuit against him so it could be brought to light the horrible things he has done. God have mercy on his soul. I wish we could have put him away forever, or at least make him suffer the way Ben has to everyday, for the rest of his life. I wish I could say more, and I hate to leave you in the dark, but that is how it has to be.


We did reach a settlement which we are proud to say we were able to pay off those horribly expensive medical bills. What a relief that was, we spent many nights stressing out about that. We were now at a point in our lives that we were ready to move on, put this behind us as much as we could. First thing we wanted to do was buy a house! As many of you know, this is one of the most stressful things you will do in your lifetime. At times we were overwhelmed at the thought of buying a house, but with everything we had already been through, we figured we could get through pretty much anything at this point. We met with a realtor and looked at all of our options. I grew up in the city and we both decided we would like to stay close to where we were. If you don't know, Seattle is WAY overpriced in the housing market. Although we the economy has tanked in recent years, when we were looking, houses were still marked high and many were out of our price range. In the city the average price for a home is anywhere from 250-300k, the thing is, that is for an older home (1960ish) and almost every home would need some work in one way or another. Our goal (mainly mine) was to stay in the city, but we were realizing that just might not be an option. We started looking elsewhere, if you went north of Seattle the houses got a lot more reasonable, but took you more and more out of the city. I was willing to give it a try and at least see what was out there and what options we would have. We found some really nice, newer homes and would send them to our realtor. By the time he would get the information and we would meet to go take a look, they would be already sold! These houses were flying of the market faster than you could say SOLD! I think this had a lot to do with Obama, at this time he was giving a first time home owners bonus, so many people were jumping at the opportunity and buying, which made houses go fast. Ben's dream had always been to build a house from the ground up, as much as I would love for him to be able to do this, I knew that too would be out of our price range.


House after house, we never found one that we felt like we could call home. The realtor took us out in his car one weekend and showed us around to some places he thought we might like. He had taken us to a new housing development, I liked the looks of it right away, cul de sac's, kids playing, pretty landscaping, I hadn't even seen a house yet and I was excited! They had a few model homes for us to look at, we found one that we really liked, but was out of our price range yet again. I was loosing hope, maybe we would never be able to afford a house? We got back into the car and headed off to see what else we could find. A couple more houses later, the realtor suggested we go back to the new housing development and talk to someone at the office just to see what they had to say. We went back and talked to someone, we told them that we were in love but that the prices were too high, we told him what our price range was and he said "I happen to have another model home down the street in the price range, let's go see it!" I did not want to get my hopes up but this excited me. When we walked into the house it was the first time we felt like it could be our home! We loved every single thing about it, and we could afford it!!! Ready for the best part?? You watch them build it from the ground up, you pick everything that you would like and get to be apart of the whole process!! We couldn't have asked for anything better. Ben was in seventh heaven!

The building process took almost six months. We picked everything; the carpet, flooring, paint, cupboards, lighting, the roof, front door, sinks, toilets and even the electrical! I am so glad I had Ben to make all those decisions, I had no idea where to start or what to pick, there was so many choices to make! They had a showroom that we could go to and you could see everything set up, you took a computer tablet with you while you walked around and input the options you picked. We went to the site of the house every weekend to see the process, it was neat to see the things you picked on paper and watch them come together right in front of your eyes.

Our house was finally finished and we moved in on Halloween of 2009! We feel so blessed to have built our dream home, when I look around our house I feel so much pride in knowing Ben put his heart and soul into building our home. To date I am still getting use to the area, this is definitely nothing like the city! I miss traffic and rude people! Frogs come into our garage for crying out loud (makes my skin crawl). I know that this was the best for us and I wouldn't change it for the world. Home is where the heart is.