Just Be Me

As you know, last week I decided to delete quite a few people out of my life and off of my Facebook, totaling almost thirty people. This is something I normally wouldn't have done but found it so freeing to finally get all this drama and negativity out of my life. The day after I did the "deleting" I had gotten some rude messages from two friends (well, who I thought were friends) telling me how shitty it was for me to delete their niece/daughter who is fourteen years old. That I was intentionally hurting her by doing this. This caught me off guard, never did I, or ever would I intentionally hurt a child. I knew that because I was deleting all of this fourteen year old's family, that sadly I would have to let her go also, I very rarely spoke to her on Facebook as we talk on the phone instead. I didn't think this would upset her and maybe that is my fault for not have had thought about her feelings first? My actions had nothing to do with her, I was not singling her out or intentionally trying to hurt her, I would never do that. I deleted some of my own family, who did not have a problem at all what so ever, they understand that I am moving on and trying to start my life off with a clean slate.

The days to follow consisted of massive amounts of crying and doubting myself. I felt as though my feelings did not matter and that because someone was hurt (a child at that) that made me a horrible person. I started thinking that by deleting people I had a made a childish move, that it was selfish of me to want to move on with my life. People are saying that I hurt a child and I should be ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself...for crying uncontrollably for days on end, for doubting myself and most importantly for not being as strong as I thought I could be. Everything I have been through these last few months, I thought I had moved on and put my feelings aside. Up until this point I had not realized how little I have dealt with my feelings and emotions, I had just swept them under the carpet and figured I would get to them at a later date. Now that I am having such negative things said about me by people whom I thought were good friends, I am finding myself second guessing everything and being down on myself more than ever. More than anything I just want to move on. This has not been easy ending friendships with my friends or relationships with my family. I feel if I had not made any changes or effort to better my life, I would loose the person I thought I was. Life is way too short to always worry about what people think about you or to be considerately dealing with drama. I couldn't take any more.

I have been trying to keep myself busy so my emotions don't get the best of me. I ran errands all day yesterday. My first stop was to a local drug store, something had caught my eye.

Who knew this sign would effect me so much? In the middle is a mirror, when I picked it up I could see my reflection with the words "Just be me, it's enough". For the first time in my life I feel that is not enough, I am not enough. I feel so low and so unsure of myself. I should have bought this sign, so I could look at it every day and reassure myself that I am in fact enough! And maybe one day when I am ready, I will go back and buy it, but for right now I need to work on finding myself and what makes me happy. I can't wait for the day when I will be able to look in the mirror, smile at myself and realize that not only am I enough...I am worth it.