-William Gibson
I love this quote! Pretty much sums up my life at the moment. My whole life I have been told by many people that I am the most caring, big hearted, generous and loyal person they have ever met. I take these compliments to heart as some people wait a lifetime to hear these amazing things said about them. But why do I now feel like these qualities about me have done nothing but cause me heartache? I always look for the best in people and remember to put yourself in other peoples shoes to better understand where they come from. unfortunately I am learning the life lesson that realizing people whom you thought were your friends, truly are not. One of the hardest lessons I have had thrown my way.
In high school I had a few good friends that I thought would last a life time. One of them (lets call her J) I had met in middle school, we did everything together, she would spend the night at my house and even go on vacations with us. When high school came, she started dating right away, this constantly made me the third wheel and eventually led us to drift apart. We still talk to this day, but nothing like we use to. We see each other maybe once a year and we only talk on the phone when something is bothering her and she wants to vent. I know the phone works both ways, but whenever I try and reach out to her I feel as though I am bothering her, as if she has other things to do.
The other friend (lets call her M) we met our freshman year of high school. She was super pretty and was a cheerleader. When she made the cheer team I thought she would get swept away in the popularity and leave me behind. She did no such thing, she let everyone know we were best friends, I went to all her practices and supported her. She has been there for me many times when I needed a friend, her family treated me as one of their own. She was one of the very few that stuck around after I met Ben, we would all do things together and her and Ben got a long really well too! I don't know why we started distancing ourselves, I think we just were at different places in our lives? I know if I called her today she would help me if I needed, but sometimes I fell as though she has turned into a "convenient" friend; she is a friend when it is convenient for her. I went to her wedding last year (which I had to find out she was getting married through Facebook) although I know she was happy that I was there, you could tell that our friendship was not the same. One day I would love to sit down and ask her what happened between us, but I don't think we are at that point yet. I feel as though maybe I don't make enough of an effort, maybe I should call more often or ask her to lunch. But I have to remind myself that it is a two way street and she needs to reach out as well.
Lastly is my dear friend (calling him M) we met in elementary school, our fathers had passed away around the same time and we found comfort in each other as we were going through the same thing. Some people might think it is weird that my best friend is a guy, but I never did, I always got along with guys better than girls for some reason. We would go to car shows together, have movie nights and could talk for hours. When I started dating Ben I wasn't sure how he would feel about my best friend being a guy, but surprisingly he did not mind. They too got along really well and we would all do things together and hang out. I could tell at times that M was leery of me having a boyfriend and just wanting to make sure he was good for me, after he saw that I was happy, he took a liking to Ben and I think they got a long really good! Anytime M would find a girl and start dating her, he would put me on the back burner, he would not want to do anything and wouldn't even return my phone calls. Eventually he would break up with the girl and my phone would start ringing again, I went through this many times as he went through girls pretty quick. Soon enough he found the right girl and proposed to her. I have never been able to meet his fiance because she does not take too kindly to him having a girl that is a friend. For this reason we parted ways, I would never want to be the reason for their relationship problems, I truly want him to be happy and if she is not comfortable with me around that I have to understand that. He knows that I will always have a place for him in my heart and maybe one day we can work on our relationship, until then I wish him a happy marriage and want nothing more than for him to live a happy life.
When I started dating Ben he told me that his best friend was enlisted in the military and was stationed in North Carolina. I met his friend and his wife a couple times when they would come home on leave, I really like them! After his time was up they moved back home and we became extremely close. Early on I could tell that there were some problems in their marriage. His wife had confided in my that she felt he was not being faithful and how scared she was that this would end their marriage. Like before I always have gotten along better with men than women and found myself building a friendship with her husband. We would talk on the phone and the four of us would do things together all the time. We became close with his family and their group of friends, eventually we all became a big group of friends! We would have the funnest parties, movie and game nights, going out to dinner or just sitting around the fire enjoying each others company. A couple years had gone by and sure shit enough he had confided in my that he indeed had not been faithful to his wife and in fact had slept with a number of different women. WHAT?!? What was I supposed to do with this information? How could I keep this from her, she was my friend too. I told Ben everything that has been said to me and he was not surprised, he had suspicions also. We had also found out that not only was he sleeping around but that he had slept with one of our mutual friends, this was the breaking point. I kept this to myself and never said a word, as time went by we were starting to notice that his true colors were shining bright and none of us liked the colors we were seeing. He was an infidel, he had no respect for his wife, children, family or even his friends. He had become an alcoholic, everything in his life had become a competition, he had to be better than anyone around him. He would brag and belittle you, say things to make you angry and hurt your feelings. We put up with his behavior for a variety of different reasons, I was very close to his wife at this time and I knew she needed a friend, we had watched his kids grow up and were very close to them.
We watched as other friends in our group would stop coming over for gatherings if he was going to be there, everyone stopped talking to him. At his birthday party we were the only ones who showed up! We knew at this point that things were pretty bad and we both individually tried to talk to him about what was going on. Neither one of us got anywhere, so many hurtful things came out of his mouth, many of which are not forgivable. He thinks he is superior to anyone and does not wrong. Sadly for him he is mistaken and has pushed away many people that I know will never come back. Because none of his friends want anything to do with him he has turned to his family, some of which for whatever reason want nothing to do with us now; who knows what was said about us. For whatever reason, his wife chose not to leave him and wants to try and fix their marriage, because I have no care for him anymore this has really hurt mine and her friendship. I wish nothing more than for her to be able to fix her marriage but unfortunately I think things are beyond repairable and I do not think I can be friends with her with the divide of Ben and I not supporting her husband. For the sake of his wife and his children I hope he gets his crap together, as friendships go, he has none and we have finally decided we will also be walking away from him. This decision has been really hard considering the length of our friendship, we have befriended his family and have numerous mutual friends together. We basically feel like we have to let them all go and move on. It has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be!
I would rather have one true friend than a million fake ones.
*Side note* Today I took the first step on moving on...I deleted these "toxic" friends off Facebook. I thought this would be really hard for me and I would have second thoughts, little to my surprise, I am ok with this decision and am finally ready to move on with my life! I am upset it took me this long to get to this point but am relieved that this time has come. Good riddance.
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