I really toyed with the idea of posting a blog about my recent feelings. Did I want to share this with the world? Was I ready to see my true feelings in writing? Did I even want to face this all over again to write it on my blog? Then I remembered that the whole reason I started this blog was to get my feelings out and to be the
real me, to have somewhere to express myself and not feel judged, to be able to look back upon these times in my life and to remind myself why I am the person I am today and the steps and things I have gone through to get there. Here goes nothing...
If you have read my blog from the beginning then you would know that one of the biggest obstacles I have in my life is the relationship I have with my family. Over the last year I have realized that maintaining whatever communication I can with my mom is the most important, the rest of the family I can work on at another time. My mom had lied, hurt and said some really painful things to me over the last year. I tried pushing that aside, buried my hurt feelings under the carpet and be the daughter that I know she needs me to be. Although throughout the last couple months we have talked more than we have in a long time I still felt as though I was struggling with trust. Seems as though my inclinations are not too far off.
Christmas last year was pretty much awful. I did not feel a part of my family, nor welcomed by them. I made a promise to myself and the husband that this year would be different, I would not spend my holidays crying in the bathroom, or upset that I did not feel included by my family. We had an amazing Thanksgiving by ourselves and cannot wait to continue that tradition. When Christmas rolled around we decided to make plans on our terms and that we would do the traveling to visit my family, therefor if and when I felt uncomfortable we could leave whenever we saw fit. On Christmas Eve we stopped by my brothers house to drop presents off for the kids. Then we went to my moms to have a Christmas dinner. As I had mentioned before, I was a little upset this year that I was unable to see my nephews, or even talk to them on the holiday. The Monday after Christmas I had asked my mom if he or my brother were able to see the boys at all. She told me a very elaborate story and told me that in fact they were not able to see them. This has really upset me. I know that my sister and I will never have a relationship again, which is perfectly fine with me. But to not allow my mother or brother to see the kids was just plain ridiculous. I had called my aunt to tell her how upset I was over this. She had informed me that my mom and brother had indeed seen the boys, they went to Christmas dinner at my sisters house. Insert knife in heart/back at this point. Why would my mom lie to me??
I took a few days to cool off before confronting my mom about this. When I did finally speak to her she told me that the family feels as though they have to walk on egg shells with me and that they knew I would have hurt feelings knowing they went to dinner, so they thought it would be better to lie to me. As I told her that basically either way you cut the pie my feelings would have been hurt, she told me to not be disrespectful and that maybe it would have been better if my dad had raised me. Now I totally understand that when someone is upset they can same some things that they don't necessarily mean and that just comes out of their mouth in a fit of rage. But those things that came out of her mouth, go to the bone. That hurt! There are a lot of things I can shake off, but this time it will be a little harder. When you are sad, you cry. When you are angry, you yell. What do you do when you are hurt? And why was my mother so mad to begin with? I had not done anything to her! Nor to my family!
I followed this up with a six paragraph e-mail to my sister in law, explaining to her how I have been feeling and that my feelings were truly hurt. When she responded she did not once acknowledge my feelings, instead stating that the reality is that we all have to live around my sister. NO we do not! That is called enabling a drug addict and I want no such part of it. If my family finds it easier to appease her and in return damage the relationship they have with me...then so be it. I can no longer take this hurt in my life. I have to be strong now! Maybe I am lucky because this happened at the beginning of the year, so I can start my year on the right foot. Getting rid of all this negativity is my new years resolution, and this is one I am going to stick to!
