-Side note- Do not ever shoot a wedding without an assistant.
Monday, July 11, 2011
My First Wedding Shoot!
I shot my first wedding on Saturday! Six hours and 988 pictures later, it was a success! I was nervous about what lens to use, I went with the 18-55 mm, perfect choice! I don't think I would have been able to get half the shots I did had I used a bigger one. Recently bought a diffuser for my flash, it's my new best friend! I think the photos turned out amazing *patting myself on the back* I can't wait for the bride and groom to see them all and give me feedback :]
-Side note- Do not ever shoot a wedding without an assistant.
-Side note- Do not ever shoot a wedding without an assistant.
Wednesday, July 6, 2011
The Day That Changed My Life
A few weeks had passed since our eventful vacation to the ocean. My sister had cut all communication off with our family and most importantly would not allow the boys to talk to or see us. I tried to just go over to her house to see the kids and check on them, a few blocks before I got there, one of the boys called and said that I shouldn't come over because their mom was going to call the police on me. I could have cared less if she got the cops involved because they would have taken her away way before they did anything to me, but I did not want to cause drama for the kids and put them through that. Because of this, I took a step back and made the decision to distance myself from their home. I still checked on them as often as I could, but this was the hardest thing I had ever had to do in my life. Thus far...
October 23, 2006-
It was a Monday, the sun was out and everything was going normal, just like any other day. Ben (My husband) headed out the door to leave for work, I was on my way to Target to get some Halloween shopping done. As I was on my way to the store, my cellphone rang, I saw that it was Ben calling (It was rare for him to call on his way to work) I answered the phone and there was a lady on the other end. She asked for "Princess" (That is what I am under in his phone, how cute huh?) this made me laugh because it was weird that some lady was calling from his phone and asking for Princess. The next thing she said would be forever engraved into my head, as this was the moment our lives changed forever.
"My name is Gloria, I am a nurse and I am sitting on the side of the freeway with Ben, he has been in a car accident."
My heart stopped. I asked if he was okay and she said that he had hurt his arm really bad but that he was conscious. She then asked if I wanted to talk to him. Ben got on the phone and I asked him if he was okay and what had happened. He was clearly in shock and all he said to me was "Babe, my car flipped over!" He would repeat this over and over and over again. I told him everything was ok and that I was on my way to see him. I had pulled over in the mean time (I was about 10 minutes from home) I have lived in this area my whole entire life. I knew that I needed gas before I drove to see him (He was over a half hour away). All of a sudden I didn't recognize where I was at! I couldn't remember how to get to the local gas station or where the freeway was located! Was I in shock too?? I also did not know which hospital they would be taking him to. I started driving around until something looked familiar to me. As I was driving I had called Washington State Patrol and had asked them if they knew where the ambulance would be taking him. They told me Harbor View (Which is a trauma hospital in our area) I knew this could not be good if they were taking him there. In the mean time I pulled into a gas station and filled up the tank. I had called a friend of mine, who told me that they saw it on the news and it didn't look good. While I was getting gas the paramedic had called me told me they were not taking him to Harbor View, but a different hospital that was closer to where they were. (I later found out that Ben had been telling them to call me!). My house was only a couple minutes from the gas station and I thought that I should stop by to get some clothes and what not because I didn't know how long we would be at the hospital. I jumped out of my car and went to go into the house, to realize I had locked my keys in the car!!
Luckily I had my cell phone on me as I had been talking on it. Feeling like I had no options, I called my sister to see if she could give me a ride to the hospital. She would not answer my call!! I called my mother and my sisters best friend and told them what was going on and that I didn't know what to do. They called and told my sister to answer the phone, which she did, and soon came to pick me up. This was the most awkward car ride I had ever been in! I also did not care what she felt towards me at that time as I had more important things to worry about. On the way to the hospital we had to drive by the scene of the accident. It did not look promising. We arrived to the hospital and I ran to the emergency room. I went to the front desk and asked where he was, they said only friends and family could see him and who I was, I responded with "his girlfriend" (I would later regret this!). They led me to a room he was in. I had prepared myself to expect for him not to look good, for there to be lots of blood, but I was going to be strong! I walked in and saw him, he didn't look bad! He had some dirt all over his face and clothes and he most definitely looked to be in shock and uncomfortable but he didn't look half as bad as I thought. I asked him what had happened and he told me that a eighteen wheeler semi truck had rear ended him and his car flipped over on the freeway! WHAT?!? I had no idea it was that bad! He said that his arm hurt really bad and that he was scared.
The doctor came in and administered pain medicine because his body was going into shock. I overheard them saying that they were going to have to call in a specialist because something was wrong with his arm. They did a CT scan and xrays and now we were just waiting for the results. When they returned with the xray they had said that his humerus bone had a spiral fracture and that his shoulder was dislocated as well as the head of his shoulder was crushed. This would require surgery but they would have to do it in the morning. Meanwhile a police officer had come into the room to check on him, he leaned down and whispered to Ben "You are one lucky guy, someone was watching over you!". They sent him to a room so he could get some rest, the next day was going to be hard on him. My sister headed home and Ben's best friend had came to see how he was doing. While we were visiting, Ben kept saying that he felt something weird in his pants. I helped to remove them to find glass from the windshield in his pants along with a bruise across his stomach the size of a basketball. I knew that he was hurt more than what we had thought.
When the semi hit him, the momentum flipped his car over onto the drivers side and skid down the freeway as the semi truck jackknifed, when the vehicle had fell onto its side the left side of his body took the brunt of the impact crushing his left arm. The bruising came from the steering wheel as well as a metal badge he had on his waist (for work) that had bent in half due to the impact. A man had to pry the door open to get him out, they were worried the car was on fire because there was smoke coming from the air bag being deployed. The nurse who had called me, had sat with him on a guard rail waiting for help to arrive, she went to his car to retrieve his cell phone and that is how she was able to contact me. No one remembers seeing this lady or where she came from. I am thankful he had her by his side, call her an angel if you want or maybe just a case of the right time at the right place, either way we are thankful for her.
The next morning the specialist came in and said the surgery would be starting shortly, this was a necessity, if they did not get this done, his arm might not survive. The doctor told me to wait in the waiting room and that surgery would take around two hours, if it went longer or something were to happen they would come get me. As Ben was getting prepared, the doctor rushed to me and said that I might want to come to the pre-op room because be was in shock and his heart rate was dangerously high, they were worried he might have a heart attack, or worse, not make it through surgery. Right then and there, felt like my whole world had stopped. I had been in a relationship with Ben for six years, I loved him, more than anything. In this moment for the first time in my life, I knew what true love really felt like. I was in love with him and couldn't picture my life without him in it. I went into the pre-op room, there were many people crowded around him, they were hooking him up to machines and his heart rate was sky rocketing. The funny thing is, with all the chaos going on, Ben was so peaceful looking, he didn't look in pain anymore, he just looked tired and wore out. I tried to tell him I loved him but he didn't seem to notice I was in the room. I thought this might be the last time I saw him. I began to sob and the doctor asked me to leave.
During his surgery I knew I had some time to waste. I did not want to sit around and let me nerves get the best of me. They had towed his car to a tow yard that was only a couple miles from the hospital. I headed there so I could bring home his personal belongings. If something did happen to him, I wanted to be able to have this stuff. As I got there, the tow guy came up to me and said he was sorry for my loss, I told him that he was still alive and that he was in surgery! They were astonished that he had survived at all. They took me to his car...my heart stopped. How did he survive this? The trunk was all the way smashed, pushing against the back seat, all the windows and the windshield were shattered, the drivers seat was broken and the air bag had gone off. The drivers door could not open so the tow guy ripped it open for me. I was able to get somethings and put them in a box, but other things were either broken or too hard to get out. It broke my heart to pieces knowing what he must have gone through.
I headed back to the hospital. Five and a half hours later his surgery was done. The doctor came to the waiting room and told me that it had not gone well. His shoulder was dislocated so bad that it took two full grown men over two hours to put it back into place, they had to put a steel plate and screws into his arm to hold it together and that they believed he would no longer be able to use his arm. We would be lucky if the arm survived. At this point I just wanted them to take his arm off! I just wanted him to be okay, we can live without an arm! I can't live without him! The doctor also told me that Ben did not know the extent of his injuries, they were afraid it would be too much for him to hear at the time. After he recovered I got to see him, he looked better, but in a ton of pain. I was told that I could not stay in the room with him over night because we were not married. You have got to be kidding me! I wish I would have just lied and said I was his wife when I arrived at the hospital. They allowed me to stay until midnight and that I could come back at 6am. I grabbed a blanket and slept on the floor next to a soda machine to kill time until I could go back. I felt so bad that I could not be there by his side, I felt helpless. He had a rough night, but they were going to let him go home the next afternoon. Before we got checked out, they unwrapped his arm to instruct me how to care for it. Nineteen staples were holding his incision together. This shocked him that his wound was so big, he did not take this well, it was sinking in what had happened to him. We headed home, I wanted more than anything to get things back to "normal" I realized that there was no "normal" anymore and that we would have to make a new life for ourselves. I wish I would have known that this journey was going to be the most daunting, exhausting, emotionally stressful thing either one of us were ever going to have to go through...
October 23, 2006-
It was a Monday, the sun was out and everything was going normal, just like any other day. Ben (My husband) headed out the door to leave for work, I was on my way to Target to get some Halloween shopping done. As I was on my way to the store, my cellphone rang, I saw that it was Ben calling (It was rare for him to call on his way to work) I answered the phone and there was a lady on the other end. She asked for "Princess" (That is what I am under in his phone, how cute huh?) this made me laugh because it was weird that some lady was calling from his phone and asking for Princess. The next thing she said would be forever engraved into my head, as this was the moment our lives changed forever.
"My name is Gloria, I am a nurse and I am sitting on the side of the freeway with Ben, he has been in a car accident."
My heart stopped. I asked if he was okay and she said that he had hurt his arm really bad but that he was conscious. She then asked if I wanted to talk to him. Ben got on the phone and I asked him if he was okay and what had happened. He was clearly in shock and all he said to me was "Babe, my car flipped over!" He would repeat this over and over and over again. I told him everything was ok and that I was on my way to see him. I had pulled over in the mean time (I was about 10 minutes from home) I have lived in this area my whole entire life. I knew that I needed gas before I drove to see him (He was over a half hour away). All of a sudden I didn't recognize where I was at! I couldn't remember how to get to the local gas station or where the freeway was located! Was I in shock too?? I also did not know which hospital they would be taking him to. I started driving around until something looked familiar to me. As I was driving I had called Washington State Patrol and had asked them if they knew where the ambulance would be taking him. They told me Harbor View (Which is a trauma hospital in our area) I knew this could not be good if they were taking him there. In the mean time I pulled into a gas station and filled up the tank. I had called a friend of mine, who told me that they saw it on the news and it didn't look good. While I was getting gas the paramedic had called me told me they were not taking him to Harbor View, but a different hospital that was closer to where they were. (I later found out that Ben had been telling them to call me!). My house was only a couple minutes from the gas station and I thought that I should stop by to get some clothes and what not because I didn't know how long we would be at the hospital. I jumped out of my car and went to go into the house, to realize I had locked my keys in the car!!
Luckily I had my cell phone on me as I had been talking on it. Feeling like I had no options, I called my sister to see if she could give me a ride to the hospital. She would not answer my call!! I called my mother and my sisters best friend and told them what was going on and that I didn't know what to do. They called and told my sister to answer the phone, which she did, and soon came to pick me up. This was the most awkward car ride I had ever been in! I also did not care what she felt towards me at that time as I had more important things to worry about. On the way to the hospital we had to drive by the scene of the accident. It did not look promising. We arrived to the hospital and I ran to the emergency room. I went to the front desk and asked where he was, they said only friends and family could see him and who I was, I responded with "his girlfriend" (I would later regret this!). They led me to a room he was in. I had prepared myself to expect for him not to look good, for there to be lots of blood, but I was going to be strong! I walked in and saw him, he didn't look bad! He had some dirt all over his face and clothes and he most definitely looked to be in shock and uncomfortable but he didn't look half as bad as I thought. I asked him what had happened and he told me that a eighteen wheeler semi truck had rear ended him and his car flipped over on the freeway! WHAT?!? I had no idea it was that bad! He said that his arm hurt really bad and that he was scared.
The doctor came in and administered pain medicine because his body was going into shock. I overheard them saying that they were going to have to call in a specialist because something was wrong with his arm. They did a CT scan and xrays and now we were just waiting for the results. When they returned with the xray they had said that his humerus bone had a spiral fracture and that his shoulder was dislocated as well as the head of his shoulder was crushed. This would require surgery but they would have to do it in the morning. Meanwhile a police officer had come into the room to check on him, he leaned down and whispered to Ben "You are one lucky guy, someone was watching over you!". They sent him to a room so he could get some rest, the next day was going to be hard on him. My sister headed home and Ben's best friend had came to see how he was doing. While we were visiting, Ben kept saying that he felt something weird in his pants. I helped to remove them to find glass from the windshield in his pants along with a bruise across his stomach the size of a basketball. I knew that he was hurt more than what we had thought.
The next morning the specialist came in and said the surgery would be starting shortly, this was a necessity, if they did not get this done, his arm might not survive. The doctor told me to wait in the waiting room and that surgery would take around two hours, if it went longer or something were to happen they would come get me. As Ben was getting prepared, the doctor rushed to me and said that I might want to come to the pre-op room because be was in shock and his heart rate was dangerously high, they were worried he might have a heart attack, or worse, not make it through surgery. Right then and there, felt like my whole world had stopped. I had been in a relationship with Ben for six years, I loved him, more than anything. In this moment for the first time in my life, I knew what true love really felt like. I was in love with him and couldn't picture my life without him in it. I went into the pre-op room, there were many people crowded around him, they were hooking him up to machines and his heart rate was sky rocketing. The funny thing is, with all the chaos going on, Ben was so peaceful looking, he didn't look in pain anymore, he just looked tired and wore out. I tried to tell him I loved him but he didn't seem to notice I was in the room. I thought this might be the last time I saw him. I began to sob and the doctor asked me to leave.
During his surgery I knew I had some time to waste. I did not want to sit around and let me nerves get the best of me. They had towed his car to a tow yard that was only a couple miles from the hospital. I headed there so I could bring home his personal belongings. If something did happen to him, I wanted to be able to have this stuff. As I got there, the tow guy came up to me and said he was sorry for my loss, I told him that he was still alive and that he was in surgery! They were astonished that he had survived at all. They took me to his car...my heart stopped. How did he survive this? The trunk was all the way smashed, pushing against the back seat, all the windows and the windshield were shattered, the drivers seat was broken and the air bag had gone off. The drivers door could not open so the tow guy ripped it open for me. I was able to get somethings and put them in a box, but other things were either broken or too hard to get out. It broke my heart to pieces knowing what he must have gone through.
I headed back to the hospital. Five and a half hours later his surgery was done. The doctor came to the waiting room and told me that it had not gone well. His shoulder was dislocated so bad that it took two full grown men over two hours to put it back into place, they had to put a steel plate and screws into his arm to hold it together and that they believed he would no longer be able to use his arm. We would be lucky if the arm survived. At this point I just wanted them to take his arm off! I just wanted him to be okay, we can live without an arm! I can't live without him! The doctor also told me that Ben did not know the extent of his injuries, they were afraid it would be too much for him to hear at the time. After he recovered I got to see him, he looked better, but in a ton of pain. I was told that I could not stay in the room with him over night because we were not married. You have got to be kidding me! I wish I would have just lied and said I was his wife when I arrived at the hospital. They allowed me to stay until midnight and that I could come back at 6am. I grabbed a blanket and slept on the floor next to a soda machine to kill time until I could go back. I felt so bad that I could not be there by his side, I felt helpless. He had a rough night, but they were going to let him go home the next afternoon. Before we got checked out, they unwrapped his arm to instruct me how to care for it. Nineteen staples were holding his incision together. This shocked him that his wound was so big, he did not take this well, it was sinking in what had happened to him. We headed home, I wanted more than anything to get things back to "normal" I realized that there was no "normal" anymore and that we would have to make a new life for ourselves. I wish I would have known that this journey was going to be the most daunting, exhausting, emotionally stressful thing either one of us were ever going to have to go through...
Tuesday, June 28, 2011
Loosing a sister
I put off writing this section of my life. I have put many things behind me and strived to move on. I am hoping that in writing all of this onto my blog that it will help in the the process of putting the past behind so I can focus on the future.
As the years went by, the boys and I adapted to the new life we had made for ourselves. My sister continued to be an addict and the boys' father was in and out of jail. I was trying to be the best I could be in caring for the boys while keeping my new relationship in tact all while struggling in school. I knew that graduating high school was turning out to be a lot tougher than I ever imagined but it was extremely important to me to get my diploma, and I knew that was what my dad would have wanted as well. I transferred to a private school for my senior year so I could have more one on one help. Best decision of my life thus far. I ended up graduating with a 3.9 GPA! Putting on my cap and gown was so invigorating as it had been an extremely hard battle to get to that point. This was my first life lesson in knowing that I can do hard things.
After I finished high school, this gave me more time to dedicate to the raising of the boys. I wanted nothing more than to work on me, find a career, a job and do things for me for once. I knew that this was not the time for me, as the boys needed me, the stability I brought to their lives. I attended every school function they were apart of; field trips, assemblies, dinners and would volunteer whenever possible. When they got home I would have an after school snack on the table, we would do homework and get school projects accomplished. I would have dinner in their mouths and put a blanket over them while tucking them into bed and giving them a kiss. My sister was working at a dive bar at the time and would only come home when she felt necessary. Sometimes she would come in at five in the morning, high, with a new guy on her arm. I always was thankful that the kids were fast asleep at these times so they didn't have to witness the things I had to. Other times she wouldn't come home for days. CPS (Child Protective Services) were called a number of times for her lack of parenting. In our lovely state of Washington they do not start an investigation unless the child/children have physical marks on their body. Thank goodness the children were never physically abused, but sometimes I found myself wishing they would have been, just so we could have gotten them into a better home and more of a healthy environment. I trucked along and took everyday for what it was, working on one day at a time was all I knew how to do.
My relationship was going well. He supported me and the devotion I had for the boys. He helped when he could, financially and emotionally. I will forever be thankful for him . The boys loved him and loved knowing they had a male figure in their lives that wasn't coming and going. He gave us the feeling of stability. We fit in time for us when we could, going to the drive in for movies, out to dinner or a trip to the beach were our favorite things to do. After two years of dating he moved into the house I shared with my mother. Although I was very leery of having him move in with us, he was in a predicament and all he had done for us, how could we not help him out? This turned out to be a great change for us. He helped my mother with things around the house that we hadn't had help with for years! We both liked the feeling of having a man in the house for once. This move also brought us closer as a couple.
Life continued like this for many years, the boys were getting older and turning into young men right before my eyes. My relationship was on the right path, we had been together about six years at this point!
September 2006- We had all decided to go on a family vacation to the ocean. We stayed in a huge cabin that we had been going to since I was a baby. The first few days were not that bad. My sister was not nearly as intoxicated as she normally is and we were having a good time. Although we caught ourselves constantly walking on egg shells because we never knew how my sister was going to act towards us. A couple days later my boyfriend came down to join us, along with my sisters best friend of twenty five years. As soon as they walked into the cabin you could tell my sister was not happy. (You can never tell what an addict is thinking!) That night we were all relaxing, playing games with the kids and chatting with each other. We had noticed that my sister was no where to be found. She traced into the house sometime late in the night, and we paid her no attention. The next morning I was awoken by my sisters best friend, she told me that there was a guy in the kitchen. WHAT?!... I went down to investigate, to see that it was one of her boyfriends at the time. When did he get there? Was he in the cabin while we were sleeping? Is that why she was gone all night? I had came unglued.
The afternoon had came, we all decided to go our separate ways as none of us wanted to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend. She took the boys with her and the rest of us went shopping for the day. When we returned to the cabin, I was the first one to walk through the door. "You bitch, you picked sides! I am leaving!!" Was the first thing I heard. Up until this point I had never stood up to my sister or told her how angry I was with her life style. My whole life I have held everything inside and just slapped a smile on my face. Not this time! "Picked sides? What are you talking about?" I responded. She told me that because we went shopping with her best friend instead of spending time with her that I had picked sides. She was acting crazy! Like when she is high. She had been acting fine until her boyfriend came. They were probably out the night before doing God knows what. Now all of a sudden she was acting erratic and not making sense. I told her to go ahead and leave then. She told me that I would never see the boys again, as she sped out of the drive way, my mom chased after her. My sister yelled to my mom "We are not family anymore!!"
We spent the rest of the night in shock over what had transpired. I knew in my heart that things were about to change for the worse. I, however, did not know how bad things were about to get...
*Side note- Today is my sisters birthday. Although a part of me is sad to not have her in my life, writing this today made me realize that the negativity she brought to my life is no longer welcome. This is MY life and I am more than ready to move on, leaving her behind.*
As the years went by, the boys and I adapted to the new life we had made for ourselves. My sister continued to be an addict and the boys' father was in and out of jail. I was trying to be the best I could be in caring for the boys while keeping my new relationship in tact all while struggling in school. I knew that graduating high school was turning out to be a lot tougher than I ever imagined but it was extremely important to me to get my diploma, and I knew that was what my dad would have wanted as well. I transferred to a private school for my senior year so I could have more one on one help. Best decision of my life thus far. I ended up graduating with a 3.9 GPA! Putting on my cap and gown was so invigorating as it had been an extremely hard battle to get to that point. This was my first life lesson in knowing that I can do hard things.
After I finished high school, this gave me more time to dedicate to the raising of the boys. I wanted nothing more than to work on me, find a career, a job and do things for me for once. I knew that this was not the time for me, as the boys needed me, the stability I brought to their lives. I attended every school function they were apart of; field trips, assemblies, dinners and would volunteer whenever possible. When they got home I would have an after school snack on the table, we would do homework and get school projects accomplished. I would have dinner in their mouths and put a blanket over them while tucking them into bed and giving them a kiss. My sister was working at a dive bar at the time and would only come home when she felt necessary. Sometimes she would come in at five in the morning, high, with a new guy on her arm. I always was thankful that the kids were fast asleep at these times so they didn't have to witness the things I had to. Other times she wouldn't come home for days. CPS (Child Protective Services) were called a number of times for her lack of parenting. In our lovely state of Washington they do not start an investigation unless the child/children have physical marks on their body. Thank goodness the children were never physically abused, but sometimes I found myself wishing they would have been, just so we could have gotten them into a better home and more of a healthy environment. I trucked along and took everyday for what it was, working on one day at a time was all I knew how to do.
My relationship was going well. He supported me and the devotion I had for the boys. He helped when he could, financially and emotionally. I will forever be thankful for him . The boys loved him and loved knowing they had a male figure in their lives that wasn't coming and going. He gave us the feeling of stability. We fit in time for us when we could, going to the drive in for movies, out to dinner or a trip to the beach were our favorite things to do. After two years of dating he moved into the house I shared with my mother. Although I was very leery of having him move in with us, he was in a predicament and all he had done for us, how could we not help him out? This turned out to be a great change for us. He helped my mother with things around the house that we hadn't had help with for years! We both liked the feeling of having a man in the house for once. This move also brought us closer as a couple.
Life continued like this for many years, the boys were getting older and turning into young men right before my eyes. My relationship was on the right path, we had been together about six years at this point!
September 2006- We had all decided to go on a family vacation to the ocean. We stayed in a huge cabin that we had been going to since I was a baby. The first few days were not that bad. My sister was not nearly as intoxicated as she normally is and we were having a good time. Although we caught ourselves constantly walking on egg shells because we never knew how my sister was going to act towards us. A couple days later my boyfriend came down to join us, along with my sisters best friend of twenty five years. As soon as they walked into the cabin you could tell my sister was not happy. (You can never tell what an addict is thinking!) That night we were all relaxing, playing games with the kids and chatting with each other. We had noticed that my sister was no where to be found. She traced into the house sometime late in the night, and we paid her no attention. The next morning I was awoken by my sisters best friend, she told me that there was a guy in the kitchen. WHAT?!... I went down to investigate, to see that it was one of her boyfriends at the time. When did he get there? Was he in the cabin while we were sleeping? Is that why she was gone all night? I had came unglued.
The afternoon had came, we all decided to go our separate ways as none of us wanted to hang out with my sister and her boyfriend. She took the boys with her and the rest of us went shopping for the day. When we returned to the cabin, I was the first one to walk through the door. "You bitch, you picked sides! I am leaving!!" Was the first thing I heard. Up until this point I had never stood up to my sister or told her how angry I was with her life style. My whole life I have held everything inside and just slapped a smile on my face. Not this time! "Picked sides? What are you talking about?" I responded. She told me that because we went shopping with her best friend instead of spending time with her that I had picked sides. She was acting crazy! Like when she is high. She had been acting fine until her boyfriend came. They were probably out the night before doing God knows what. Now all of a sudden she was acting erratic and not making sense. I told her to go ahead and leave then. She told me that I would never see the boys again, as she sped out of the drive way, my mom chased after her. My sister yelled to my mom "We are not family anymore!!"
We spent the rest of the night in shock over what had transpired. I knew in my heart that things were about to change for the worse. I, however, did not know how bad things were about to get...
*Side note- Today is my sisters birthday. Although a part of me is sad to not have her in my life, writing this today made me realize that the negativity she brought to my life is no longer welcome. This is MY life and I am more than ready to move on, leaving her behind.*
Friday, June 17, 2011
Capturing The Moment
My dad always had a camera around his neck, taking pictures was his passion. He passed this love of photography onto my brother who now is the one having a camera on him at all times no matter what the occasion. When I was in high school I took photography classes, learning to process my own 35mm film and how to use a dark room. Taking pictures was fun, but I loved knowing that I could develop my own film and watch a piece of paper turn into a photo I had taken. I knew that photography had to be somewhere in my bones but did not pursue it much further. For my twenty first birthday my brother bought me my first digital point and shoot camera. My husband and I really took a liking into getting into taking pictures and soon we found ourselves with the camera on us all the time asking people to smile! Right before the wedding we decided to invest in a more advanced camera and bought our first DSLR, although spendy, we thought since we were eloping that we would at least be able to take some really nice photos and be able to look back at them and cherish the memories we made, would be all worth the investment. We did not know much on how to work this new fancy camera, but we were willing to learn!
A few months after we purchased the camera, a friend of mine had asked if I could take pictures of her and her family because they were going to a family reunion and they wanted an updated picture to pass around and show people. I thought she had absolutely lost her mind! Why would she want me to take pictures for her?? I am not that good! I am definitely not a professional. This put a lot of pressure on me, I lacked the confidence in myself to think that I could do a good enough job. What if she didn't like any of the photos I took? I grabbed my camera and headed to her house, I figured I might as well get my feet wet and try, whats the worse that could happen? What if they turn out pretty amazing?
Not too bad! I was extremely happy with how the pictures turned out. She loved them all! I posted my favorite ones of her family that I took and posted them on my Facebook. Soon thereafter another friend of mine had asked if I would take pictures for her too at a local park! I was still nervous, but not as bad as the last time. Off to the park we went..
I was starting to get a lot more confidence in myself. I was so proud to be able to take such wonderful photos for my friends, and seeing how happy they were with the result, put a smile on my face and gave me the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe this will be something more than just a hobby? I was really starting to have fun! Next things I knew, another friend of mine asked me to take her engagement pictures. This made me a little uneasy because this was my first paid photo session and I felt more pressure to do my best work ever.
We had such a fun time taking their engagement pictures! Over two hours at the park. They had brought their dog, a St. Bernard. I had never taken pictures of pets before, let along a dog that had to have been bigger than me! Who would have thought that his pictures would turn out so good??
They were so happy with how the pictures turned out that they used them on their Save The Date cards and on a custom made Jones soda bottle!
They asked me to be the photographer for their wedding this coming July! I went to the rehearsal yesterday to see the venue, I am really excited for this opportunity. I never would have thought that my interest in photography would turn into me being a photographer for a friends wedding. This makes me feel important and is giving me the confidence I have always longed for. Stay tuned for the wedding photos!
I also got the opportunity to take pictures for the March of Dimes. The friend that I took the engagement pictures for works for the March of Dimes and asked if I could take photos for some events they had coming up. So far I have done their VIP luncheon kick off and the actual march itself. What an honor to be a part of such an amazing organization! March for babies!
I recently went to a DSLR class and am attending a photo shop class next month. I learned SO much but also know I have a ton more to learn. I do not know what the future holds, although I do know that photography has become a huge part of my life. I will forever be thankful that my father passed along his passion to my brother and me. Thank you Dad!
A few months after we purchased the camera, a friend of mine had asked if I could take pictures of her and her family because they were going to a family reunion and they wanted an updated picture to pass around and show people. I thought she had absolutely lost her mind! Why would she want me to take pictures for her?? I am not that good! I am definitely not a professional. This put a lot of pressure on me, I lacked the confidence in myself to think that I could do a good enough job. What if she didn't like any of the photos I took? I grabbed my camera and headed to her house, I figured I might as well get my feet wet and try, whats the worse that could happen? What if they turn out pretty amazing?
Not too bad! I was extremely happy with how the pictures turned out. She loved them all! I posted my favorite ones of her family that I took and posted them on my Facebook. Soon thereafter another friend of mine had asked if I would take pictures for her too at a local park! I was still nervous, but not as bad as the last time. Off to the park we went..
I was starting to get a lot more confidence in myself. I was so proud to be able to take such wonderful photos for my friends, and seeing how happy they were with the result, put a smile on my face and gave me the feeling of accomplishment. Maybe this will be something more than just a hobby? I was really starting to have fun! Next things I knew, another friend of mine asked me to take her engagement pictures. This made me a little uneasy because this was my first paid photo session and I felt more pressure to do my best work ever.
We had such a fun time taking their engagement pictures! Over two hours at the park. They had brought their dog, a St. Bernard. I had never taken pictures of pets before, let along a dog that had to have been bigger than me! Who would have thought that his pictures would turn out so good??
They were so happy with how the pictures turned out that they used them on their Save The Date cards and on a custom made Jones soda bottle!
They asked me to be the photographer for their wedding this coming July! I went to the rehearsal yesterday to see the venue, I am really excited for this opportunity. I never would have thought that my interest in photography would turn into me being a photographer for a friends wedding. This makes me feel important and is giving me the confidence I have always longed for. Stay tuned for the wedding photos!
I also got the opportunity to take pictures for the March of Dimes. The friend that I took the engagement pictures for works for the March of Dimes and asked if I could take photos for some events they had coming up. So far I have done their VIP luncheon kick off and the actual march itself. What an honor to be a part of such an amazing organization! March for babies!
I recently went to a DSLR class and am attending a photo shop class next month. I learned SO much but also know I have a ton more to learn. I do not know what the future holds, although I do know that photography has become a huge part of my life. I will forever be thankful that my father passed along his passion to my brother and me. Thank you Dad!
"
Thursday, June 9, 2011
Finding Me
As my sister found that it wasn't a priority to be at home and care for her children, I took it upon myself to step in and make sure the boys were well taken care of. My mother could not take on the burden of having four more children to take care of, she was working two jobs at the time and was still in complete denial that my sister was doing anything wrong. My brother was married now and had two children of his own and it was too much for him to take on my sister's problems as well. I cooked meals, helped with school projects, attended field trips and school functions, made sure the clothes were clean and the dishes done, put food in the fridge and disciplined when needed. I had taught myself how to be the best "step in" mom I could be, all while continuing to make my way through high school. This was a very hard time for me and I struggled lots and felt like I had lost my way, but most importantly, lost who I was as a person.
Although my sister had checked out more than not, she did however come around when it was convenient for her. She had started dating yet another guy, who happened to be her ex husbands friend. Does this surprise you? I was not very happy about this new relationship. She had wanted to start bringing the kids around to this guys house and do "Family" stuff together, little did he know, she wasn't even interested in her children at the time. My sister knew how I felt about this guy and that I was not interested in the least to go to his house or have the kids see him. One afternoon we had attended a family wedding together and as my sister and I were leaving she informed me that we would be swinging by his house. I was not happy. We got to his house. That day would change my life, more than I could have ever imagined.
Not only was my sister's new boyfriend there, but there was another guy, much younger than my sister's boyfriend. I asked who he was and why he was there. The boyfriend told me that he was a neighbor and that his mom had just passed away a few months back and he was having him over to visit and have a home cooked meal. Wow, did this boyfriend actually have a heart? Maybe he wasn't the monster I made him out to be. Either way I still wasn't happy about their relationship. Knowing how it felt to loose a parent, I thought I would go talk to this guy and maybe I could offer him some comforting advice or words of wisdom? Who am I kidding? This guy was amazingly hot and I couldn't take my eyes off of him! Would he even notice me or pay any attention that I was there? I had never had this feeling about someone before. I had never even dated or had a boyfriend, I was only sixteen for crying out loud. I had butterflies in my stomach.
Who would have guessed that ten years later that amazingly hot guy would be my husband!!
We started dating shortly after I had met him. He was four years older than me. My family was not too happy about this, but I felt extremely mature for my age, look how fast I had to grow up and the responsibilities that were thrown in my lap! I told him right away that there were four boys in my life and they mean the world to me and that I had to take care of them a lot, if he did not like that, then there was no way things would work between us. To my disbelief, he took those four boys into his life with open arms. Even though it upset him the situation I was in, he understood the love I had for these boys and knew that I would do anything and everything to help and protect them. He stood by my side and helped whenever he could with raising the boys. I also think they felt good having a stable male role model in their lives too. They looked up to him and enjoyed the time we all spent together.
I finally had someone in my life who made me feel whole. He made me feel beautiful, told me all the time how amazing I was and most importantly supported me in whatever I wanted to do in my life. Even though I still was caring for the boys and attending school, when I had free time I made sure to spend it with him. I was doing something for me that made me happy. I hadn't felt or done anything for myself like that in a long time. I was falling in love and it was the best feeling in the world...
Although my sister had checked out more than not, she did however come around when it was convenient for her. She had started dating yet another guy, who happened to be her ex husbands friend. Does this surprise you? I was not very happy about this new relationship. She had wanted to start bringing the kids around to this guys house and do "Family" stuff together, little did he know, she wasn't even interested in her children at the time. My sister knew how I felt about this guy and that I was not interested in the least to go to his house or have the kids see him. One afternoon we had attended a family wedding together and as my sister and I were leaving she informed me that we would be swinging by his house. I was not happy. We got to his house. That day would change my life, more than I could have ever imagined.
Not only was my sister's new boyfriend there, but there was another guy, much younger than my sister's boyfriend. I asked who he was and why he was there. The boyfriend told me that he was a neighbor and that his mom had just passed away a few months back and he was having him over to visit and have a home cooked meal. Wow, did this boyfriend actually have a heart? Maybe he wasn't the monster I made him out to be. Either way I still wasn't happy about their relationship. Knowing how it felt to loose a parent, I thought I would go talk to this guy and maybe I could offer him some comforting advice or words of wisdom? Who am I kidding? This guy was amazingly hot and I couldn't take my eyes off of him! Would he even notice me or pay any attention that I was there? I had never had this feeling about someone before. I had never even dated or had a boyfriend, I was only sixteen for crying out loud. I had butterflies in my stomach.
Who would have guessed that ten years later that amazingly hot guy would be my husband!!
We started dating shortly after I had met him. He was four years older than me. My family was not too happy about this, but I felt extremely mature for my age, look how fast I had to grow up and the responsibilities that were thrown in my lap! I told him right away that there were four boys in my life and they mean the world to me and that I had to take care of them a lot, if he did not like that, then there was no way things would work between us. To my disbelief, he took those four boys into his life with open arms. Even though it upset him the situation I was in, he understood the love I had for these boys and knew that I would do anything and everything to help and protect them. He stood by my side and helped whenever he could with raising the boys. I also think they felt good having a stable male role model in their lives too. They looked up to him and enjoyed the time we all spent together.
I finally had someone in my life who made me feel whole. He made me feel beautiful, told me all the time how amazing I was and most importantly supported me in whatever I wanted to do in my life. Even though I still was caring for the boys and attending school, when I had free time I made sure to spend it with him. I was doing something for me that made me happy. I hadn't felt or done anything for myself like that in a long time. I was falling in love and it was the best feeling in the world...
Monday, June 6, 2011
Cupcakes
A little secret of mine...I am a cupcakeaholic. I love everything cupcake! I love making them, eating them and buying anything cupcake related. I had to share my newest find, Vanilla Cupcake flavored Goldfish!! Can it get much better than this?? #bestdayever
Thursday, June 2, 2011
Moving On
After Dad passed away, my mom was left to figure out what to do with his mobile home and belongings. Mom had thought it was a good idea to let my sister move into his house and the kids would have more space than the apartment they were currently living in. I had mixed feelings about her taking over his house. That had been my house with my dad for many years, I didn't want her to take that over and invade this house that was special to my dad and me. On the other hand I thought that if she moved in that I could still go visit his house whenever I would want. So she moved in... had I know that this move would effect me negatively in my life I would have begged for her not to make this move. I found that every time I headed over to see the kids I would secretly hope that when I opened the door that my dad would be sitting inside waiting for me. I could spend hours looking aimlessly around the house and memories would flash before my eyes. This really stumped my grieving process and made it a lot harder for me to "move on".
My sister was everything I wanted to be when I grew up, she was an amazing, mother, homemaker and wife. I loved the time I spent with her and the kids. We would have a homemade dinner on the table every night and you could feel the love she showered on all of us. I was finally seeing what it was like to have a normal family with two parents under one roof. Her husband was a roofer so he was gone a lot working long hours and doing side jobs to make more money for the household. My sister was a stay at home mom and took care of all four kids. When I became old enough I was allowed to watch the boys all on my own so she could go on dates, or just have a break. I love this alone time I got to have with the boys and making a few dollars here and there was fun too! As time went on, I had the feeling that things were not going well in her marriage, I guess a part of me didn't want to acknowledge any problems because I loved the way things were and didn't want anything to change.
Things were starting to change whether I liked it or not. The night I realized something was wrong I had been watching the kids and it was after dinner so I wanted to turn on a movie for us to watch. I went to the entertainment center with a movie in hand and saw something odd sitting on top of the VCR. It was a tray with a mirror, straw and a razor blade on it. I did not really know what this was but I knew it was not anything good. I put it up high so the kids wouldn't get into it. When I got home I told my mom what I had found and she did not acknowledge what I was saying, she didn't want to hear it. I never said anything to my sister...I didn't know what to say. The next incident came soon after. One of the boys was not feeling well so I went to lay with him on my sister's bed so I could get him to fall asleep. As we were laying there I had grabbed a pillow and when I picked the pillow up there were two sandwich baggies fully of white powder sitting there on the bed. I knew right then there must be a drug problem. I was in eighth grade at this point. I again tried to bring this issue to my mother, she still wanted to hear nothing of it; I now know that she was in denial.
The drug use was becoming more frequent and the nights that my brother in law was coming home drunk were more often than I would like to remember. I found myself not wanting to go over there anymore, but if I felt that way, how must the boys feel? I couldn't leave them in that kind of environment by themselves! I knew that a divorce was coming in the near future, I just didn't know how it was going to pan out. My sister started dating someone before the divorce was even finalized. Me and the boys did not feel comfortable around him, we hadn't even had time to get used to the fact that their dad wasn't going to be around anymore, let alone that we had to get used to another guy so sudden. Guy, after guy, after guy, came into our lives. My sister had gotten a job at a local dive bar which was convenient for her new lifestyle. The drug use was so bad that she was loosing a lot of weight, she got to under 100 pounds, her cheeks were sunken in and her teeth were falling out. She would be so hyper during the day that we would have a hard time keeping up with her and then some days all she would do is sleep. I stopped keeping track of all the different guys she would bring home after her shift.
I was the one watching the kids while she worked, some nights she wouldn't get home until 4-5am. Most nights she would forget to come home at all. Some nights turned into days. I felt like I was now the mom to these kids while she lived her crazy life. I was in high school now and it was really hard for me to hold down her house and children all while trying to strive in school. My family enabled her and made sure she was always taken care of, because they wanted to make sure the kids were ok and had a roof over their head and clothes on their back. My sister stopped making the mobile payments, so my mom took those over and my brother did everything for her, putting groceries in the fridge, paying her car insurance and bailing her out every time she got into trouble. No one understood that I was the one who had to be there to tuck the kids into bed, help with homework and make sure dinner was on the table. I was a teenager! This was too much responsibility for me and I wasn't sure how much more I could take...
My sister was everything I wanted to be when I grew up, she was an amazing, mother, homemaker and wife. I loved the time I spent with her and the kids. We would have a homemade dinner on the table every night and you could feel the love she showered on all of us. I was finally seeing what it was like to have a normal family with two parents under one roof. Her husband was a roofer so he was gone a lot working long hours and doing side jobs to make more money for the household. My sister was a stay at home mom and took care of all four kids. When I became old enough I was allowed to watch the boys all on my own so she could go on dates, or just have a break. I love this alone time I got to have with the boys and making a few dollars here and there was fun too! As time went on, I had the feeling that things were not going well in her marriage, I guess a part of me didn't want to acknowledge any problems because I loved the way things were and didn't want anything to change.
Things were starting to change whether I liked it or not. The night I realized something was wrong I had been watching the kids and it was after dinner so I wanted to turn on a movie for us to watch. I went to the entertainment center with a movie in hand and saw something odd sitting on top of the VCR. It was a tray with a mirror, straw and a razor blade on it. I did not really know what this was but I knew it was not anything good. I put it up high so the kids wouldn't get into it. When I got home I told my mom what I had found and she did not acknowledge what I was saying, she didn't want to hear it. I never said anything to my sister...I didn't know what to say. The next incident came soon after. One of the boys was not feeling well so I went to lay with him on my sister's bed so I could get him to fall asleep. As we were laying there I had grabbed a pillow and when I picked the pillow up there were two sandwich baggies fully of white powder sitting there on the bed. I knew right then there must be a drug problem. I was in eighth grade at this point. I again tried to bring this issue to my mother, she still wanted to hear nothing of it; I now know that she was in denial.
The drug use was becoming more frequent and the nights that my brother in law was coming home drunk were more often than I would like to remember. I found myself not wanting to go over there anymore, but if I felt that way, how must the boys feel? I couldn't leave them in that kind of environment by themselves! I knew that a divorce was coming in the near future, I just didn't know how it was going to pan out. My sister started dating someone before the divorce was even finalized. Me and the boys did not feel comfortable around him, we hadn't even had time to get used to the fact that their dad wasn't going to be around anymore, let alone that we had to get used to another guy so sudden. Guy, after guy, after guy, came into our lives. My sister had gotten a job at a local dive bar which was convenient for her new lifestyle. The drug use was so bad that she was loosing a lot of weight, she got to under 100 pounds, her cheeks were sunken in and her teeth were falling out. She would be so hyper during the day that we would have a hard time keeping up with her and then some days all she would do is sleep. I stopped keeping track of all the different guys she would bring home after her shift.
I was the one watching the kids while she worked, some nights she wouldn't get home until 4-5am. Most nights she would forget to come home at all. Some nights turned into days. I felt like I was now the mom to these kids while she lived her crazy life. I was in high school now and it was really hard for me to hold down her house and children all while trying to strive in school. My family enabled her and made sure she was always taken care of, because they wanted to make sure the kids were ok and had a roof over their head and clothes on their back. My sister stopped making the mobile payments, so my mom took those over and my brother did everything for her, putting groceries in the fridge, paying her car insurance and bailing her out every time she got into trouble. No one understood that I was the one who had to be there to tuck the kids into bed, help with homework and make sure dinner was on the table. I was a teenager! This was too much responsibility for me and I wasn't sure how much more I could take...
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