Happy Valentine's Day!

Last year I made the 52 Reasons I love you for the husband. It was a complete hit, he thought it was so clever and thoughtful. This year I turned to Pinterest, looking for more unique Valentine's Day gifts. I saw a lot of people doing 14 days of love. Where you give a small gift each day in February up until the 14th, you have to include a cute little note with the product though! It was pretty easy coming up with cute little sayings, but proved to be hard to find the exact things needed at the store. I am happy with how everything turned out and think that he was genially surprised everyday when he would find a new treat around the house.

I woke up this morning to a beautiful poem...

What I learned today is that flowers and chocolates don't necessarily say "I love you". Small random acts of kindness go a long way and will be remembered for a life time. When I was heading out the door this morning, the husband told me to plug in my iPod right away and listen to the first song that came on. Get ready for it...it was "You are my sunshine"! *Swoon* He is a keeper. 

Happy Valentine's Day! Today is not just about celebrating the love you have with your significant other, it is about showing love to all of the special people in your life.  

Update: I wrote this blog before the husband had come home from work. I was pleasantly surprised to see him walking through the door baring gifts. 

Chocolate covered strawberries. My favorite! I hate to admit that I ate these all in one sitting,  probably faster than I should have. I should have rubbed them all over my body...for my enjoyment, not his ;)

And my favorite flower

A heart shaped pizza for dinner. Great ending to an amazing Valentine's Day!

**PS. A few weeks after Valentine's Day, I found these on clearance at Fred Meyer.  I should have bought every bag they had on sale. They are one of the best things I have ever placed in my mouth. When I have that urge to have a chocolate covered strawberry, these hit the spot. 

21st Birthday Extravaganza

The best friend's "baby" just turned 21! I cannot believe how fast the years have gone by. Just seems like yesterday that she was in diapers. It has been such an honor to have been a part of her life since birth. I remember her bright red hair and chubby cheeks, the way she loved to dance and sing for others. 

We thought it would be fun to take her out and enjoy all the "21st birthday" things around town. 

The birthday cake that we made for her. It was a little eerie how much the barbie resembled her! 

First liquor store Purchase! 

 We also took her to two casino's to get her birthday money. We gambled for a minute, but could not take any photos to document her experience. 

Cinnebare! A 21 and older movie theater that serves drinks and food while you watch your movie.  We saw Movie 43, which I would not recommend. A pitcher of strawberry daiquiri started off the adventurous day with a bang.  

Second stop for happy hour drinks! 

The drinks are larger than they appear. We may or may not have consumed a lot of alcohol while at this restaurant.  

Final stop was $5 Taco Tuesday. Isn't this how every 21st birthday is suppose to end?? 

I drank entirely too much, especially for being in the middle of the week. I felt like it was my 21st birthday all over again. I may be getting too old to consume so many drinks, I had a lingering headache for 24 hours! Happy Birthday Lane! 

It's never easy

To say goodbye...

Sunrise January 4th, 1921 - Sunset January 28th, 2013

Such an honor for my husband to carry Grandpa to his final resting place. 

Grandpa

Four days ago, my grandfather passed away.

 I have a hard time finding the words that I want to say.

He was my everything.

He showed me what it truly meant to be a fighter and to never give up.

He loved me unconditionally and always had a smile on his face.

Loss is hard and losing him has proved to be harder than I had ever imagined it would be.

What do I do now when I want to call and see how his day was?

I have been trying so hard to keep it all together, I don't think anyone knows how hard this has been for me.

The smile on my face and the strong tone that I have in my voice? It's fake.

The funeral is in a few days, maybe closure will help me to be able to take the steps needed to move on?

He will be missed deeply...

This photo was taken nine days before he passed. I am thankful that I was able to say goodbye and see that smile one last time. 

Change

Change

1. To make something different. You can cause something to change, or you can bring change upon yourself.


Life is full of changes isn't it? These last few years have brought a lot of tribulations, and though sometimes it seemed impossible, I was triumphant and made it through. Here I am again in my life, facing the fear of change. I started the new year telling myself that I would not longer let other people's  words and actions affect me negatively. I can offer my advice to others, but cannot place it upon my shoulders if they do not accept that advice or put it to good use. The opinions of my family and the blatant lack of respect that they have for me, would be brushed off of my shoulders before I shed a tear. My marriage would be stronger than ever and I would learn to love myself. 

Why is it, that when I write those things down, I feel empowered and know that I am strong and can stick to those affirmations... but when I try to practice them in my every day life, I crumble and feel useless? 

The relationship, or lack there of, that I have with my mother is the worst that it has ever been. Miscommunication is a huge problem between us. We both have short fuses and seem to explode at the drop of a hat. Growing up with a single parent is all I have known. My mother has had to take upon the roll of both Mother and Father, providing for the household all on her own and never having a shoulder to lean on. We have been a team for so many years, only having each other. It hurts my heart, more than anyone could possibly understand that we no longer have that tight-nit relationship. I feel that it is beyond fixable at this point and I struggle to accept this. I need to realize that things have changed and that I cannot force her to love me. I know that until she gets my nephew out of her home, things will not change between us. I cannot even begin to put myself in her shoes, knowing that she feels uncomfortable in her own home. She needs to learn to stand up for herself and not let him use her like he is. I have to come to terms with the fact that this situation is out of my control and there is nothing that I can do to change it. He is continually stealing from her, pictures are now missing off of her wall and her intimate garments are being worn by his girlfriend. She is allowing this to happen by not standing up to him. I wish she could find the strength to stand up to others. It may not be easy sometimes, but it has to be done. I have learned this the hard way.    

One night, while watching the Eddie Murphy movie 1000 Words...everything had hit me like a ton of bricks. (A few drinks may have been involved, but that is besides the point) I miss my family! When I had gone to my brothers for gingerbread day, I actually had a really good time. I miss being able to go over there without having to have my guard up. I like visiting, eating and making things together while enjoying each other. It breaks my heart to think that we can no longer have visits like this on a regular basis. Our family has changed. Most of the time I feel like I no longer belong, I guess I just need to take the good times when I can get them. I need to learn to not let my feelings be hurt when I am not invited over and to brush hurtful comments off of my shoulders. I need to learn to take their insensitivities with a grain of salt. 

When it comes to the friendships that I have with others, I find myself confused. I find it harder to trust others and sometimes question their intentions. Does anyone realize how bad it feels to only be wanted when it is convenient for the other person?  I have never and would never treat someone like that. Either be my friend all the time, or not at all. I deserve more. I always put my whole heart into a friendship and find it baffling that others cannot do the same. Why is it so hard to make friends? Or to find friends that are genuine? Why is it even important for me to have friends? Why can I not just be content? Is it really that easy for others to turn the other cheek? Maybe they didn't care about our friendship as much as I did. I wish that I would have realized this from the beginning. I want to change my way of thinking. I wish I didn't care so much. Remember Melissa, it is their loss...not yours. 

Isn't it funny that a little six letter word can be so scary? We have been through so much change over the years. Some great and some out right terrifying. Things finally feel comfortable and the thought of change, scares me. The talk of having a child, is not an easy one. We go back and forth on the subject, mostly ending in disagreements. Deep in my heart, I want nothing more than to be a mom. I worry that the husband is not on the same page as me. Maybe he is just scared too? I don't want to go on this journey by myself. I want to do it together. I don't want us to grow apart. It has just been the two of us for twelve years. Would having a baby change our relationship? Would I have more love for the baby than my husband? What if I don't like being a mom? Am I capable? What if  we cannot conceive, would I be able to live with that? Would we grow apart or would we be closer than ever? Am I ready to take a tole on my body? Doctors appointments, needles and body aches? Would we feel complete? Would having our own family make us feel complete? Are we complete now? I just don't have the answers. Maybe nobody does? After not using any contraceptives for a little over a year now, we are taking the steps next month to increase our chances. It scares me that I don't know if I am ready. And it terrifies me that I want this more than anything and yet...it may not be in the cards for us. I don't want to make any changes in our lives, especially when I do not know what the outcome may be. Maybe we both need to just take a leap of faith and see what happens. I know for sure that I do not like not being in control. I wish that the husband would be more open, not leaving me to assume how he feels. I fear the day I see a positive sign that I will be the only one with a smile on my face. I fear that this will be a long/tough road for us and that he may have a sigh of relief if nothing comes from our trying. This should be a natural life step for us to be taking, why are we so torn? 

Maybe I am not meant to know all of the answers. 

Let go Melissa

In the 50's!

As I have stated in the past, weight loss has always been a struggle for me. I have been making a contentious effort to watch what I am eating  (smaller portions and buying "light" foods) and to be more active. My goal was to be in the 250 range before the first of the year. I did not make that goal, as the holidays were not kind to me. I had a hard time resisting all of the yummy foods and homemade goods! I weighed myself this past weekend and was delighted with the results...259!!! I made it into the 50's!!! Only a week late from my goal date, not too bad. I never thought that I would get myself into the 50's. My ultimate goal is to be around 200 pounds, 220 was my high school weight and I would be ok with that too. Funny to think that I strive to be the weight I was in school, when I thought that was fat back then! So I do not get overwhelmed and discouraged, I will now be setting smaller goals along the way. My goal right now is to lose nine more pounds to be the the 250 mark. I am happy with my eating habits at the moment, but need to work on the "being more active" part. Wish me luck!

P.s. I recently bought a pair of pants in the 18/20 size! I have  not worn this size since Kindergarten probably! However, I must admit that they are stretchy pajama pants from Walmart. Whatever, I still patted myself on the back. ;)

Top 12 in 12'

12- Going to the Museum of Flight

 

 

11- Going to the Museum of Glass

 

 

10- Finally getting to see the Gum Wall and Pike Place Market!

 

 

9- Going on the Seattle Great Wheel

 

 

8- Enjoying the beach

 

 

7- Supporting Heather

 

 

6- Going to the Kangaroo Farm

 

 

5- Meeting the Pioneer Woman!

 

 

4- Getting to see the daffodils and tulips in bloom

 

 

 

3- Spending quality time with the husband

 

 

2- Being able to contribute to the household

 

 

1- Learning to love myself again

 

 

 

This year was full of adventure! It was nice to be able to get out of my comfort zone and enjoy life. It will be my quest to do the same this next year. There were some hard times throughout the year but I am learning to let go of things that are not in my control. Life is short and I want to make the best of it. To those who do not wish to be a part of my life, it truly is your loss, not mine.