A Real Friend

Today started off like any other, woke up, made the bed and packed a lunch for the hubby. My goal for the day was to try and not let things bother me, I knew to achieve this I would have to keep myself busy. I have never cleaned this hard before! I won't bore you with all the details, but the house looks brand new! I got all the laundry done and even did some baking. Rachel had called during my cleaning adventure and asked if she could swing by really quick, I told her she was always welcome here; I love having company, although I don't get it often. A little while had passed, and then there was a knock at the door...

I was greeted by the most heart felt smile I had ever seen on someones face. I could feel the love coming from the doorstep! Her arms were full. She knew we have been going through a rough time and that we have been down on ourselves lately.

She brought us dinner so I wouldn't have to cook tonight! Chicken ranch pizza, minus tomatoes and onions (we are picky!) she really knows us :] Some cheese bread and cinnamon bread too!!

As if this wasn't enough, she then handed me a Jamba Juice!

*Side note* I am a Jambaholic, I would drink it every single day if I could, who am I kidding? I would even rub it on my body! (Ok, maybe I wouldn't because that would be really sticky, but seriously that is how much I love my Jamba!!)

The most special part was that she had brought in a bag that was full of stickers, paper, pencil sharpeners and baggies! My husbands best friend is serving in Iraq right now, this is his second tour. We are getting ready to ship off some care packages for him, he had asked if we could send some baggies full of art/school stuff so he could pass them out to the children over there. I had mentioned this to Rachel, she took it upon herself to bring these wonderful things over to contribute to the care packages. What a heart felt thing to have done! Support the troops!!

But the most special thing of all, besides seeing her face, was what she gave me next. The feeling of love, the reassurance that I am indeed a good person and the warmth of knowing that her friendship is true and genuine. She will never know how much it meant to me to feel this kind of love, besides my husband, it has been a long time since I felt like this. It hit me today...it doesn't matter what anyone thinks of me. I know I am good person and I have an amazing husband and an extraordinary best friend. I would be lost without them. There are good people in the world, I just happen to be the lucky one to have found them. Thank you from the bottom of my soul Rachel for being you, and for being there when we needed you most. You truly are a phenomenal person!

She bought me the sign (see last blog)...she told me YOU ARE ENOUGH! I have tears running down my cheek as I write this, I will forever be grateful for her, the generosity, the kindness and the love she gives me.

A real friend is one who walks in when the rest of the world walks out.
- Walter Winchell

Just Be Me

As you know, last week I decided to delete quite a few people out of my life and off of my Facebook, totaling almost thirty people. This is something I normally wouldn't have done but found it so freeing to finally get all this drama and negativity out of my life. The day after I did the "deleting" I had gotten some rude messages from two friends (well, who I thought were friends) telling me how shitty it was for me to delete their niece/daughter who is fourteen years old. That I was intentionally hurting her by doing this. This caught me off guard, never did I, or ever would I intentionally hurt a child. I knew that because I was deleting all of this fourteen year old's family, that sadly I would have to let her go also, I very rarely spoke to her on Facebook as we talk on the phone instead. I didn't think this would upset her and maybe that is my fault for not have had thought about her feelings first? My actions had nothing to do with her, I was not singling her out or intentionally trying to hurt her, I would never do that. I deleted some of my own family, who did not have a problem at all what so ever, they understand that I am moving on and trying to start my life off with a clean slate.

The days to follow consisted of massive amounts of crying and doubting myself. I felt as though my feelings did not matter and that because someone was hurt (a child at that) that made me a horrible person. I started thinking that by deleting people I had a made a childish move, that it was selfish of me to want to move on with my life. People are saying that I hurt a child and I should be ashamed of myself. I am ashamed of myself...for crying uncontrollably for days on end, for doubting myself and most importantly for not being as strong as I thought I could be. Everything I have been through these last few months, I thought I had moved on and put my feelings aside. Up until this point I had not realized how little I have dealt with my feelings and emotions, I had just swept them under the carpet and figured I would get to them at a later date. Now that I am having such negative things said about me by people whom I thought were good friends, I am finding myself second guessing everything and being down on myself more than ever. More than anything I just want to move on. This has not been easy ending friendships with my friends or relationships with my family. I feel if I had not made any changes or effort to better my life, I would loose the person I thought I was. Life is way too short to always worry about what people think about you or to be considerately dealing with drama. I couldn't take any more.

I have been trying to keep myself busy so my emotions don't get the best of me. I ran errands all day yesterday. My first stop was to a local drug store, something had caught my eye.

Who knew this sign would effect me so much? In the middle is a mirror, when I picked it up I could see my reflection with the words "Just be me, it's enough". For the first time in my life I feel that is not enough, I am not enough. I feel so low and so unsure of myself. I should have bought this sign, so I could look at it every day and reassure myself that I am in fact enough! And maybe one day when I am ready, I will go back and buy it, but for right now I need to work on finding myself and what makes me happy. I can't wait for the day when I will be able to look in the mirror, smile at myself and realize that not only am I enough...I am worth it.

Friends?

"Before you diagnose yourself with depression or low self-esteem, first make sure that you are not, in fact, just surrounded by assholes"
-William Gibson

I love this quote! Pretty much sums up my life at the moment. My whole life I have been told by many people that I am the most caring, big hearted, generous and loyal person they have ever met. I take these compliments to heart as some people wait a lifetime to hear these amazing things said about them. But why do I now feel like these qualities about me have done nothing but cause me heartache? I always look for the best in people and remember to put yourself in other peoples shoes to better understand where they come from. unfortunately I am learning the life lesson that realizing people whom you thought were your friends, truly are not. One of the hardest lessons I have had thrown my way.

In high school I had a few good friends that I thought would last a life time. One of them (lets call her J) I had met in middle school, we did everything together, she would spend the night at my house and even go on vacations with us. When high school came, she started dating right away, this constantly made me the third wheel and eventually led us to drift apart. We still talk to this day, but nothing like we use to. We see each other maybe once a year and we only talk on the phone when something is bothering her and she wants to vent. I know the phone works both ways, but whenever I try and reach out to her I feel as though I am bothering her, as if she has other things to do.

The other friend (lets call her M) we met our freshman year of high school. She was super pretty and was a cheerleader. When she made the cheer team I thought she would get swept away in the popularity and leave me behind. She did no such thing, she let everyone know we were best friends, I went to all her practices and supported her. She has been there for me many times when I needed a friend, her family treated me as one of their own. She was one of the very few that stuck around after I met Ben, we would all do things together and her and Ben got a long really well too! I don't know why we started distancing ourselves, I think we just were at different places in our lives? I know if I called her today she would help me if I needed, but sometimes I fell as though she has turned into a "convenient" friend; she is a friend when it is convenient for her. I went to her wedding last year (which I had to find out she was getting married through Facebook) although I know she was happy that I was there, you could tell that our friendship was not the same. One day I would love to sit down and ask her what happened between us, but I don't think we are at that point yet. I feel as though maybe I don't make enough of an effort, maybe I should call more often or ask her to lunch. But I have to remind myself that it is a two way street and she needs to reach out as well.

Lastly is my dear friend (calling him M) we met in elementary school, our fathers had passed away around the same time and we found comfort in each other as we were going through the same thing. Some people might think it is weird that my best friend is a guy, but I never did, I always got along with guys better than girls for some reason. We would go to car shows together, have movie nights and could talk for hours. When I started dating Ben I wasn't sure how he would feel about my best friend being a guy, but surprisingly he did not mind. They too got along really well and we would all do things together and hang out. I could tell at times that M was leery of me having a boyfriend and just wanting to make sure he was good for me, after he saw that I was happy, he took a liking to Ben and I think they got a long really good! Anytime M would find a girl and start dating her, he would put me on the back burner, he would not want to do anything and wouldn't even return my phone calls. Eventually he would break up with the girl and my phone would start ringing again, I went through this many times as he went through girls pretty quick. Soon enough he found the right girl and proposed to her. I have never been able to meet his fiance because she does not take too kindly to him having a girl that is a friend. For this reason we parted ways, I would never want to be the reason for their relationship problems, I truly want him to be happy and if she is not comfortable with me around that I have to understand that. He knows that I will always have a place for him in my heart and maybe one day we can work on our relationship, until then I wish him a happy marriage and want nothing more than for him to live a happy life.

When I started dating Ben he told me that his best friend was enlisted in the military and was stationed in North Carolina. I met his friend and his wife a couple times when they would come home on leave, I really like them! After his time was up they moved back home and we became extremely close. Early on I could tell that there were some problems in their marriage. His wife had confided in my that she felt he was not being faithful and how scared she was that this would end their marriage. Like before I always have gotten along better with men than women and found myself building a friendship with her husband. We would talk on the phone and the four of us would do things together all the time. We became close with his family and their group of friends, eventually we all became a big group of friends! We would have the funnest parties, movie and game nights, going out to dinner or just sitting around the fire enjoying each others company. A couple years had gone by and sure shit enough he had confided in my that he indeed had not been faithful to his wife and in fact had slept with a number of different women. WHAT?!? What was I supposed to do with this information? How could I keep this from her, she was my friend too. I told Ben everything that has been said to me and he was not surprised, he had suspicions also. We had also found out that not only was he sleeping around but that he had slept with one of our mutual friends, this was the breaking point. I kept this to myself and never said a word, as time went by we were starting to notice that his true colors were shining bright and none of us liked the colors we were seeing. He was an infidel, he had no respect for his wife, children, family or even his friends. He had become an alcoholic, everything in his life had become a competition, he had to be better than anyone around him. He would brag and belittle you, say things to make you angry and hurt your feelings. We put up with his behavior for a variety of different reasons, I was very close to his wife at this time and I knew she needed a friend, we had watched his kids grow up and were very close to them.

We watched as other friends in our group would stop coming over for gatherings if he was going to be there, everyone stopped talking to him. At his birthday party we were the only ones who showed up! We knew at this point that things were pretty bad and we both individually tried to talk to him about what was going on. Neither one of us got anywhere, so many hurtful things came out of his mouth, many of which are not forgivable. He thinks he is superior to anyone and does not wrong. Sadly for him he is mistaken and has pushed away many people that I know will never come back. Because none of his friends want anything to do with him he has turned to his family, some of which for whatever reason want nothing to do with us now; who knows what was said about us. For whatever reason, his wife chose not to leave him and wants to try and fix their marriage, because I have no care for him anymore this has really hurt mine and her friendship. I wish nothing more than for her to be able to fix her marriage but unfortunately I think things are beyond repairable and I do not think I can be friends with her with the divide of Ben and I not supporting her husband. For the sake of his wife and his children I hope he gets his crap together, as friendships go, he has none and we have finally decided we will also be walking away from him. This decision has been really hard considering the length of our friendship, we have befriended his family and have numerous mutual friends together. We basically feel like we have to let them all go and move on. It has been a lot harder than I ever thought it would be!

So the meaning to this blog is that I have spent many nights wondering where I have gone wrong. What is a true friend? Am I the reason so many friendships go south? Dealing with all these friends issues and my family problems as well has proven to take a toll on my self esteem. I have never in my life felt depressed, I am an outgoing bubbly person! But these last few months have put me through the ringer. I question a lot of things now and find myself not trusting many people. When I saw that quote today that before diagnosing myself with depression or low self esteem I should look around because maybe I am surrounded by assholes...it made me laugh and think "That's true! I AM A GOOD PERSON and all of them are just assholes!" :]

I would rather have one true friend than a million fake ones.

*Side note* Today I took the first step on moving on...I deleted these "toxic" friends off Facebook. I thought this would be really hard for me and I would have second thoughts, little to my surprise, I am ok with this decision and am finally ready to move on with my life! I am upset it took me this long to get to this point but am relieved that this time has come. Good riddance.

Leaving the Comfort Zone

Rachel had just purchased her first DSLR camera a few weeks back, we thought it would be fun to go on some adventures and see what photo ops awaited us! The weather was perfect! In the high 70's (which is nice for Seattle!) the sun was shining, the cameras were charged and the picnic basket packed...off we went!

Before we had left I said to my husband "I really hope to get some rail road pictures!". Well little did I know, every where we went the tracks were fenced off. We headed to the beach, we knew there were some neat rail road tracks there, but were not sure if they too were fenced off. To our dismay, they were. We got busy taking pictures of the water, watching ferries take off and enjoying the warmth of the day. Rachel had noticed that some people were up on the tracks, how did they get there? We followed close behind and saw that they were climbing rocks where there was no fence! A little side note, I am the biggest chicken you will ever meet! I do not like heights, climbing things, getting dirty...well I don't like going out of my comfort zone at all what so ever. Rachel climbed those rocks so fast, she made it look easy! A few minutes after she got to the tracks a train was coming!! I could tell that she was a little frightened, there was no way I was going to go up there with her!

In my head I kept hearing myself say over and over how badly I had wanted to get these photos, it wouldn't be the same if she took them on her camera! So up I went! I climbed all the way to the top with a little help. My heart was beating so hard I felt like it was going to jump out of my chest, my palms were sweaty, this was indeed the scariest thing I had ever done in my life. I laid down on the tracks to get the shots I had been dreaming about.

Next thing I heard was "Hurry up! A train is coming!". I have never gotten up so fast in my life. I tried to take some really neat pictures, but the rush and sound of the train froze me, like my feet were glued to the ground. I did however get one really good one!

Look how close we were!

I had done something I never thought I would have done. I felt on top of the world! I could have conquered anything at this point! Now was the climb down...that was a whole different story. The rocks were big and I felt like I had no where to put my feet, the tide was coming in and there wasn't much beach left to walk on once we got down. I thought I would never see the beach again, I would die, shriveled up right there on the rocks for the crows to come and get. This was it, I was going to die...but at least my husband would have some neat pictures to look at! With the help from my dear friend, I finally got down, after a mild panic attack, yelling, some tears and a little bit of hyperventilating. I will forever have these memories to look back and be proud for leaving my comfort zone and I will cherish these pictures for the rest of my life. Thank you Rachel for encouraging me, I couldn't have done it without you.

I came home and told my husband all about it! He was so proud (and of course a little mad that we did something so dangerous!) and he loved the pictures. I told my friend about our adventure and this is what he wrote to me...

"Awesome. It's good to push your comfort zone a little bit. Just don't push it too far. I am so proud of you. Bravery is recognizing fear but pushing past it to get the task accomplished. You should make a print of one of your shots today and hang it where you see it everyday. It will remind you how strong you are. You rock babe. Love and miss ya."

Made my day!!