Change

Change

1. To make something different. You can cause something to change, or you can bring change upon yourself.


Life is full of changes isn't it? These last few years have brought a lot of tribulations, and though sometimes it seemed impossible, I was triumphant and made it through. Here I am again in my life, facing the fear of change. I started the new year telling myself that I would not longer let other people's  words and actions affect me negatively. I can offer my advice to others, but cannot place it upon my shoulders if they do not accept that advice or put it to good use. The opinions of my family and the blatant lack of respect that they have for me, would be brushed off of my shoulders before I shed a tear. My marriage would be stronger than ever and I would learn to love myself. 

Why is it, that when I write those things down, I feel empowered and know that I am strong and can stick to those affirmations... but when I try to practice them in my every day life, I crumble and feel useless? 

The relationship, or lack there of, that I have with my mother is the worst that it has ever been. Miscommunication is a huge problem between us. We both have short fuses and seem to explode at the drop of a hat. Growing up with a single parent is all I have known. My mother has had to take upon the roll of both Mother and Father, providing for the household all on her own and never having a shoulder to lean on. We have been a team for so many years, only having each other. It hurts my heart, more than anyone could possibly understand that we no longer have that tight-nit relationship. I feel that it is beyond fixable at this point and I struggle to accept this. I need to realize that things have changed and that I cannot force her to love me. I know that until she gets my nephew out of her home, things will not change between us. I cannot even begin to put myself in her shoes, knowing that she feels uncomfortable in her own home. She needs to learn to stand up for herself and not let him use her like he is. I have to come to terms with the fact that this situation is out of my control and there is nothing that I can do to change it. He is continually stealing from her, pictures are now missing off of her wall and her intimate garments are being worn by his girlfriend. She is allowing this to happen by not standing up to him. I wish she could find the strength to stand up to others. It may not be easy sometimes, but it has to be done. I have learned this the hard way.    

One night, while watching the Eddie Murphy movie 1000 Words...everything had hit me like a ton of bricks. (A few drinks may have been involved, but that is besides the point) I miss my family! When I had gone to my brothers for gingerbread day, I actually had a really good time. I miss being able to go over there without having to have my guard up. I like visiting, eating and making things together while enjoying each other. It breaks my heart to think that we can no longer have visits like this on a regular basis. Our family has changed. Most of the time I feel like I no longer belong, I guess I just need to take the good times when I can get them. I need to learn to not let my feelings be hurt when I am not invited over and to brush hurtful comments off of my shoulders. I need to learn to take their insensitivities with a grain of salt. 

When it comes to the friendships that I have with others, I find myself confused. I find it harder to trust others and sometimes question their intentions. Does anyone realize how bad it feels to only be wanted when it is convenient for the other person?  I have never and would never treat someone like that. Either be my friend all the time, or not at all. I deserve more. I always put my whole heart into a friendship and find it baffling that others cannot do the same. Why is it so hard to make friends? Or to find friends that are genuine? Why is it even important for me to have friends? Why can I not just be content? Is it really that easy for others to turn the other cheek? Maybe they didn't care about our friendship as much as I did. I wish that I would have realized this from the beginning. I want to change my way of thinking. I wish I didn't care so much. Remember Melissa, it is their loss...not yours. 

Isn't it funny that a little six letter word can be so scary? We have been through so much change over the years. Some great and some out right terrifying. Things finally feel comfortable and the thought of change, scares me. The talk of having a child, is not an easy one. We go back and forth on the subject, mostly ending in disagreements. Deep in my heart, I want nothing more than to be a mom. I worry that the husband is not on the same page as me. Maybe he is just scared too? I don't want to go on this journey by myself. I want to do it together. I don't want us to grow apart. It has just been the two of us for twelve years. Would having a baby change our relationship? Would I have more love for the baby than my husband? What if I don't like being a mom? Am I capable? What if  we cannot conceive, would I be able to live with that? Would we grow apart or would we be closer than ever? Am I ready to take a tole on my body? Doctors appointments, needles and body aches? Would we feel complete? Would having our own family make us feel complete? Are we complete now? I just don't have the answers. Maybe nobody does? After not using any contraceptives for a little over a year now, we are taking the steps next month to increase our chances. It scares me that I don't know if I am ready. And it terrifies me that I want this more than anything and yet...it may not be in the cards for us. I don't want to make any changes in our lives, especially when I do not know what the outcome may be. Maybe we both need to just take a leap of faith and see what happens. I know for sure that I do not like not being in control. I wish that the husband would be more open, not leaving me to assume how he feels. I fear the day I see a positive sign that I will be the only one with a smile on my face. I fear that this will be a long/tough road for us and that he may have a sigh of relief if nothing comes from our trying. This should be a natural life step for us to be taking, why are we so torn? 

Maybe I am not meant to know all of the answers. 

Let go Melissa

In the 50's!

As I have stated in the past, weight loss has always been a struggle for me. I have been making a contentious effort to watch what I am eating  (smaller portions and buying "light" foods) and to be more active. My goal was to be in the 250 range before the first of the year. I did not make that goal, as the holidays were not kind to me. I had a hard time resisting all of the yummy foods and homemade goods! I weighed myself this past weekend and was delighted with the results...259!!! I made it into the 50's!!! Only a week late from my goal date, not too bad. I never thought that I would get myself into the 50's. My ultimate goal is to be around 200 pounds, 220 was my high school weight and I would be ok with that too. Funny to think that I strive to be the weight I was in school, when I thought that was fat back then! So I do not get overwhelmed and discouraged, I will now be setting smaller goals along the way. My goal right now is to lose nine more pounds to be the the 250 mark. I am happy with my eating habits at the moment, but need to work on the "being more active" part. Wish me luck!

P.s. I recently bought a pair of pants in the 18/20 size! I have  not worn this size since Kindergarten probably! However, I must admit that they are stretchy pajama pants from Walmart. Whatever, I still patted myself on the back. ;)

Top 12 in 12'

12- Going to the Museum of Flight

 

 

11- Going to the Museum of Glass

 

 

10- Finally getting to see the Gum Wall and Pike Place Market!

 

 

9- Going on the Seattle Great Wheel

 

 

8- Enjoying the beach

 

 

7- Supporting Heather

 

 

6- Going to the Kangaroo Farm

 

 

5- Meeting the Pioneer Woman!

 

 

4- Getting to see the daffodils and tulips in bloom

 

 

 

3- Spending quality time with the husband

 

 

2- Being able to contribute to the household

 

 

1- Learning to love myself again

 

 

 

This year was full of adventure! It was nice to be able to get out of my comfort zone and enjoy life. It will be my quest to do the same this next year. There were some hard times throughout the year but I am learning to let go of things that are not in my control. Life is short and I want to make the best of it. To those who do not wish to be a part of my life, it truly is your loss, not mine.

Christmas 12'

Better late than never? I have been busy taking down all the decorations and getting the house "back to normal" before the new year. I like the feeling of having a fresh start before the first :)

I gave myself a big pat on the back for getting though the holiday season with ease. This is the first year that I had felt organized and prepared. I did not let my family get me down this year and even thought I had yet another "friend" show me their true colors, I just let it roll off my shoulders. I bought presents on a budget but still feel like I was able to spoil those closest to me. Shopping was done at the beginning of the month and I didn't have to wrap presents at the last minute. We even managed to squeeze in some fun time and baking throughout all the holiday chaos. I did not feel stressed for Christmas and hope to duplicate that for next year.

These were the Christmas treats we made this year. I made the same Rolo Pretzel Bites that we did last year except I added some Peppermint Kisses. I found these cute bags at Target in the dollar section! Three came in a pack, I thought they were the cutest little things ever. 

I went to gingerbread day at my brothers this year. I was hesitant going there as I normally do not feel welcome and there is bound to be some sort of drama. When I first arrived I had felt on edge a little, but it soon disappeared. I actually had a good time! There was no drama, we laughed, had a good time and ate our weight in candy.

 

 

After searching high and low, I found these babies at Walmart! They are super good, kind of taste like pumpkin pie though.

Watching Better off dead while decorating. Nothing better than some old 80's movies to put you in the holiday spirit!

This was supposed to be a guy from the Blue Man Group, but we thought it looked like Cookie Monster!

 

The weekend before Christmas, my mom came over to celebrate with us. She was going to be spending Christmas with my sister, so to avoid conflict, this was the best plan for us. It still kinda stings to know that we cannot celebrate the holidays together and that I feel shunned even though I have done nothing wrong. Instead of letting it bother me this year, I just made the best of it and was happy to at least be able to spend some time with my mom. We had a great breakfast, I made Cinnamon French Toast Bake (my apologizes for not taking pictures, it was absolutely outstanding by the way) and we opened presents. 

 

After my mom left we headed over to the best friends house to have Christmas with her and her family. It was our first time ever having deep fried turkey! It was so MOIST! I don't think I ever want to eat a normal turkey again after that. We played a few rounds of Apples to Apples Sour, opened presents, ate some yummy desserts and laughed until our stomachs hurt. Some crazy guy named Bruce had made an appearance, I hope he isn't invited next year!

 

By request of the best friend, I made my first pudding pie! It was actually really easy to make and tasted pretty good. I grated some truffles on top to add some texture and flavor. *Note to self, grease pan next time!*

I used the Kitchen Aid to mix the filling for my deviled eggs. I will be doing this from now on! It turned out so creamy!

Christmas Eve, I went to a friends house to enjoy a turkey dinner and good company while the husband was at work.

This looked so cozy, but I was too cold to go outside and enjoy it.

Unfortunately, I had a little bit of food poisoning for Christmas day but I got through it, managed to keep some food down and open presents. After all the planning and preparation that I had done throughout the month, it was disappointing to feel so crappy on actual Christmas day!

Santa brought me some cupcake panties! Yay!

The weekend after Christmas we headed to Target to get some Christmas stuff for next year. Everything was 50% off. I felt like they did not have as much stuff as they did last year but we still found a few treasures. Surprisingly, Walmart had the best deals and tons of stuff leftover! Overall, I have to say that Christmas was a success! I am glad that the new year is here and cannot wait to see what next year has in store for us :)

It's beginning to look a lot like Christmas

Throughout the month, I have been snapping pictures here and there of festive things. I had the intentions of blogging about all the fun and exciting things that we have been doing, but lost focus and motivation. I found myself finally having a down moment. Can you believe it? I am sitting here on the computer enjoying a hot cup of apple cider, snacking on a Hot Cocoa Pop Tart and blogging while watching Ellen! Life cannot get any better than this.

Speaking of Pop Tarts, I started the holiday season making it my goal to find any holiday related food items! I did that in the Fall and really had fun with it. I am still on the hunt for Peppermint and Cinnamon Pringles, Christmas Captain Crunch and Gingerbread Oreos. I am pretty sure that those are impossible to find and would have to be purchased overseas. I did find them on Amazon, but after adding all of those items to the cart and seeing my total reach eighty dollars, I decided I better not place the order. Seriously not joking about the price.

This is what I have found so far. My favorite were the peppermint M&M's!

I normally do not like to toot my own horn, but...TOOT TOOT! We did such an amazing job decorating our house this year. I think that we might have given Hallmark a run for their money.


The inside

Continued

And outside.
Those are the deer that we got for ten dollars, brand new in the Summer! And my cute little blow up Santa was a Black Friday deal for fifteen bucks. I love a good deal!  

We have been spending our weekends doing holiday crafts, wrapping presents, drinking spiked cocoa and getting Christmas cards ready. Don't worry, we addressed the envelopes before drinking. We also fit in a date night and went looking at Christmas lights.

Every year during the holidays, we like to do a good deed for someone in need. A close friend of ours has been having a rough time lately and was in need of a pick-me-up. She was out of town this last weekend, so we went to her house and cleaned and decorated! Everyone needs a touch of Christmas in their life.

I have a lot of baking to do this week and we have a super fun weekend planned! Dare I say that I am happy? I have had a few things happen in the last couple of days that drug me down, but I did my best to brush it off my shoulders. I want to be able to enjoy the holidays with the husband and not let myself be depressed or negative about the small things that I cannot fix. Life is short, (I think we only have a couple more days until the end..) I am realizing that I cannot change people or make them like me. I cannot control the way that others make me feel. What I do know is that I can make they best out of the life that I do have.

Merry Christmas!

Bazaaring

Let me start by apologizing for my blogging absence. Life has kept me pretty busy lately and I find it hard to squeeze in time to post. So let me go back a couple of weeks to catch you up on life's excited ventures.

At the end of November the best friend and I thought it would be a good idea to do our first bazaar. I had helped out before with bazaars and knew that they were a lot of work and sometimes hard to make a profit. Hearing the excitement in the best friends voice about doing one, made it hard to say no. I asked her what we were going to sell and she told me that people would love my cupcakes and record bowls. I thought she was crazy! There was no way that someone would spend actual money on something that I made! One of my biggest faults is in lacking confidence. I get nervous giving my loved ones homemade items, I could not even imagine selling them to a stranger. We spent three weeks crafting our little hearts out. I am pretty sure that I burnt every single finger with the hot glue gun.

After crunching some numbers and realizing that we had spent a little more than intended on supplies, I soon realized that the bazaar was going to be more for our enjoyment than for making a profit. Normally this wouldn't have bothered me, but considering it was smack dab in the middle of the holidays and money was tight to begin with, it was hard to justify taking this project on. Especially since I had been really busy, it was overwhelming at times to try and fit all of this in. I am more than ready to have a free weekend one of these days! I am praying for after the holidays.

The worst part was that the bazaar took place early in the morning. My alarm would go off at 4:45 AM! My alarm would not normally go off for another six more hours because we are on second schedule due to the husbands job. For three days, my life literally felt like it was flipped upside down. I thought this would not bother me, but found it to be a lot harder than I had thought. I spent the day before the bazaar getting meals ready and everything done around the house so that I would not have to worry about it for the next couple of days. I ate dinner way earlier than I normally would and was in bed before the husband got home from work. I did not even see him for three days! I had been struggling for awhile feeling lonely and let me tell you that this did not help at all.

I found myself getting angry because no one else was sacrificing this much to do the bazaar. To do something that was not even benefiting me. I was upset, lonely, tired and broke. I only got about six hours of sleep during that time, which made it hard to be in the selling/friendly mood. Not everything was negative about doing the bazaar though. I loved the compliments that people would give us on our items. They actually liked the things that we made! We had a to-die-for lunch both days (a tuna sandwich on croissant) and made a few friends! I also learned that I could order a debit card reader for my phone (for free!) so that we could have people pay with their debit cards. I think we would have made more sales had we known this before doing the bazaar. I ordered one and now have it ready for the future (if we even do another one!). The debit card reader will also come in handy for those who might own me money. Whats that? You don't have cash? Well...I now accept debit!! Hahaha

Overall, after making our money back for supplies, paying for our lunches and the table fee, we were ten dollars in the hole. So basically we spent $10 to do the bazaar and made no profit. I really was not that surprised and expected a lot worse to be honest. It was a learning experience and really taught me a lot, not only about bazaars but about myself and also my friendship. I think that I would be willing to do another one, but would spend a lot less time and money on it so that we could actually make a profit. I would set up the table a little differently and have more items to sell. I would also try to get more sleep and drink some coffee in the morning! I also think that if we have more time to prepare, it would not be as overwhelming. We will see what the next holiday season brings, who knows? Maybe this is our new calling? Time will tell...



First on the list to make were cinnamon ornaments. The house smelled like cinnamon for days! It was really easy making the dough, although the kitchen was covered in cinnamon at the end of the day.

I added some glitter to a few of them to give them a little sparkle while hung in a tree.  

Cupcakes were next on the list and lots of them! Making two batches of two different kinds were not my idea of a good time and the sink full of dishes were even worse.

Vanilla cake mix with whipped vanilla frosting. Candy corn decoration.

Chocolate cake with mint filling.

And a peppermint kiss on top!

I individually placed each cupcake into a plastic cup (I found a pack of 10 at the dollar store!) and put into a plastic bag, tied with a ribbon. This made it easier to transport the cupcakes and I thought were more appealing to people. I will be doing this again for future cupcakes, I LOVED how they turned out.  

It only took us two hours to make 25 record bowls!

 

 

 

 

The best friend made these recipe jars, they were quite the hit!

 

I loved how the Scrabble ornaments turned out! I had started collecting Scrabble games in the Summer, the thrift store had some from time to time and were around $2. I wanted to make these to give as Christmas gifts this year and when the bazaar was brought to my attention, I thought these would be perfect to sell. Sawing the tile boards was the hardest part, I made the husband do it :)

 

 

Our table! Not too bad for our first time!

Staycation?

The husband finally got some much needed days off work. He had not had a week day off in over a year! We fantasized about laying on the couch for four days in our pajamas, pigging out on yummy food and watching TV until our eyes hurt. HA! Those four days he had off, went faster than we had expected. I went to my friends house for Thanksgiving, the food was not the best though. It was the first Thanksgiving that I did not have to unbutton my pants at the end of the night!

I made some cupcakes to bring over to her house. I have to say that I think these might have made the top three list! I used a new cake mix called hot chocolate that had marshmallows mixed into the batter.

The mix comes frosting that you can make, I added some White fluffy frosting to it though to thicken it up. I filled the cupcakes with Vanilla Cool Whip frosting that tasted mousy just like I had thought it would. I then used a small heart cookie cutter to make heart shapes out of marshmallows, took a little water to moisten the heart and then dipped it in powered hot cocoa. They were not only cute but super good too!!

The best friend, her husband and daughter accompanied me to Walmart after dinner to get some of the Black Friday sales they had. Normally every year, I dread walking into that store, but this was by far the best year ever! It only took us one hour to get our shopping done AND check out. The store was well organized and I got everything that was on my list! When the husband got home from work, he thought it would be fun to start our vacation by going Black Friday shopping together...at 1AM!. I was really tired and thought there was no way that I would have enough energy to go shopping. Our first stop was Target. The store was empty and they still had a ton of door busters. I got a lot of my Christmas shopping done and even found some yummy holiday treats.

This year I noticed that a lot of the stores were open all throughout the night which seemed to make the crowds not as big. I hope they do this next year too. After Target, we headed to Bath and Body works, my most favorite store in the world. My haul included:

10 soaps
6 wallflower refills
1 car scent holder
3 car scent refills
2 three wick candles
2 mini candles
Snowflake mini candle holder
1 hand sanitizer
1 VIP tote bag filled with stuff

I saved over $200 with all my coupons and the sales that they had going on!

We then went to Game Stop where their deal was to buy two used games and get the third free! Next was Kmart where I got the younger kids in the family clothes for 50% off and I even got a free gift card. I feel like I got some amazing deals and did not spend a lot of money. All my planning had paid off and it felt great to get all my Christmas shopping done.

We did not get to bed until 7 AM that morning. We woke up a few hours later to get our turkey started so that we could make our own Thanksgiving dinner together. After cooking for hours, our dinner ended up not turning out very good :( We sat on the couch and watched three movies while enjoying each others company.

 Saturday the alarm went off early again so that we could get started on decorating the house, inside and out. Our hand and face were frozen, but we managed to get the outside done before dark. I am not one known for tooting my own horn, but..*TOOT* our house looks like a Hallmark store! I am pretty proud and think that we should get an award. I will take pictures soon of the house all lit up at night.

Finally putting the expensive flower box to good use!

 

Our feet and backs hurt, but we trucked along and got the inside decorated too. That was a lot of work for one day! But it was nice to wake up the next morning to a festive house :)

We finished the weekend by going to that yummy buffet I talked about before. The husband loved it there too! Afterwards we thought it would be a good idea to get our grocery shopping done. We had to waddle down the isles and I am pretty sure I split my pants somewhere during the trip. I feel bad that we did not end up relaxing during his days off, but it was nice to spend time together while getting things done. This past weekend really got me in the mood for Christmas. I cannot wait for December to be here and enjoy all the fun things that we have planned. Merry Christmas!