I have not been writing much about my feelings as of lately, or much of anything personal. I need to remind myself that the point of this blog is to open up and not keep things bottled up. I most definitely have the cupcake part of my blog title down pat, now onto the heartache...
As they say, March comes in like a lion and out like a lamb. I do not like this analogy. March truly does come in like a damn lion, that's for sure! The month starts off with the husbands birthday, March 5th. We have really buckled down on our budget. We have both decided that we are at the point where financially we can afford for me to be a homemaker, although we still live paycheck to paycheck we can make it work. My husband and house are the most important things to me. I take such pride in working around the house and the things I accomplish each day. What I struggle with is that the title of "homemaker" comes with the description of laziness. I wish I had time to be lazy! I work extremely hard to keep our house as clean and organized as it is, and having dinner on the table every night amongst the many other things I do. But I often feel like that is not enough and that contributing money to the household would help out more than what I am doing now. Because of our newly tight budget I could not give the husband the kind of birthday he deserves. Maybe I'm just hard on myself or maybe my thoughts have good standing?
My cousins birthday is one day before the husbands, they are the same age, however my cousin leads a crazy life full of women, drugs and partying. We do not talk or see each other often. I recently got a text message from him asking if he could pass along my info for a references, I assumed it was for employment. A few days later I received a call from an automated recording saying thanks for being a credit reference for an auto loan. What!? This bothered me tremendously, especially after the whole sister forging my name thing. I couldn't believe another family member would "use" me like this. I felt as though he was not being forthcoming about what the reference was for and knowing what I have been through and that we barely talk as it it. Why would he even have bothered me with this? I immediately called the company and asked for all my info to be removed and that I would
not be his credit reference. Ugh! Maybe I am overreacting on the issue but it really did upset me for some reason.
The next birthday on the list came March 16th, one of my nephews. Boy oh boy did this bring up some feelings I had been pushing aside. I still struggle with how much anger I have towards my sister. She has done so much damage and caused a lot of anguish for so many people. I hate that I no longer have a relationship with my nephews. I don't get to see them on holidays or birthdays. I have missed graduations, proms and other special events. I HATE IT! I knew I wouldn't be able to see him on his birthday this year either, so when the day came I wrote him a nice text message and attached one of his baby pictures. His response was "Thanks". My mother got to go to his birthday dinner, why does this get under my skin so badly?? It makes me furious. I was the one who was there when those boys needed someone! I took care of everything with little to no help from the family. Now I can't even have a relationship with them. And yet my mom has no problem sitting at a table with them and my sister with all that has happened? I don't get it! It really tears at my heart. Should I not have anger towards my mom? I can't blame her for still talking to all of them or having dinner, but I do. No one thinks about how bad this hurts me. The blatant disregard for my feelings is astonishing. Should this not bother me? Am I too sensitive? Are my feelings legit and understandable? I hate questioning myself.
March 17th, St. Patrick's Day party. On one hand it was nice to be invited to a party, on the other I found this gave me a ton of anxiety. My guard is so strong at the moment that I constantly feel everyone is out to get us, who will hurt us next? The old group of friends were not invited but were brought up. Some pictures were posted on Facebook that we were tagged in. This did not sit well with them. It kind of felt good knowing that they saw that we still have fun without them, we have moved on! Then at night when I am laying in bed and it is quiet... BAM all these emotions hit me. For the love of God why do they still bother me?? We are so much better off, no backstabbing, drama or talking behind backs. It has been nice. But it's still hard moving on from them. I pray it gets easier and wont hurt as bad.
March 20th, the brothers birthday. I was invited to dinner, an expensive restaurant. I told my sister in law I could not afford to go, she said not only would she pay for me, she wouldn't invite my sister so I would feel "comfortable". Insert pissed off face here. I know she was trying to be nice, but I took it as "we don't want to make Melissa mad, whatever makes her happy." News flash: that does not make me happy! You should not be inviting her to things because she is a drunk and an addict who constantly causes drama!! Good Lord! Am I the only one who can see clearly? Off to dinner I went. The husband had said this would most likely be the only family function I would be invited to this year and that I should go. Sad but true. Dinner was fine, we actually all got along and dare I say it? Almost felt normal, but I still had my guard up and still struggle to have any trust for my family. Been hurt too many times. I wanted to try an Alanon meeting this week to see if that would help with the things I have had to deal with lately. But I made some calls and it just mainly deals with alcohol addiction and the 12 step program. I don't think that is what I am looking for? Wish counseling wasn't so expensive!
March 25th is my dads birthday. I am going to go to the cemetery this year to see him, clean the tombstone and take pictures. I thought by now this day wouldn't bother me as much. Ha! Not so. I have forgotten what he looks like, sounds like and smells like. I am forgetting
him. That makes this day so much harder. I really miss my dad. I would give anything to see him one more time.
March 27th is my birthday. Out like a lamb right? Lets hope so! I am already anticipating the end of the month. Just want it to be over with. I hope I have a good birthday, but worry no one will remember or care to acknowledge me. Two more years to 30.
Yay! <--- That was sarcastic.
And for my hundreds of readers out there whom are sitting on the edge of their chair waiting to hear an update...the baby making has come to a standstill. I would rather adopt six more cats at this point. Not that I am trying to be negative or give up, just get so frustrated! Why is it so easy for some people? Is it not meant to be? Here I go doubting myself again. It's a never ending cycle I swear. Now that I got these feelings out maybe I can set it all aside and work on being happy? That is the optimist in me ;)
