1. To make something different. You can cause something to change, or you can bring change upon yourself.
Life is full of changes isn't it? These last few years have brought a lot of tribulations, and though sometimes it seemed impossible, I was triumphant and made it through. Here I am again in my life, facing the fear of change. I started the new year telling myself that I would not longer let other people's words and actions affect me negatively. I can offer my advice to others, but cannot place it upon my shoulders if they do not accept that advice or put it to good use. The opinions of my family and the blatant lack of respect that they have for me, would be brushed off of my shoulders before I shed a tear. My marriage would be stronger than ever and I would learn to love myself.
Why is it, that when I write those things down, I feel empowered and know that I am strong and can stick to those affirmations... but when I try to practice them in my every day life, I crumble and feel useless?
The relationship, or lack there of, that I have with my mother is the worst that it has ever been. Miscommunication is a huge problem between us. We both have short fuses and seem to explode at the drop of a hat. Growing up with a single parent is all I have known. My mother has had to take upon the roll of both Mother and Father, providing for the household all on her own and never having a shoulder to lean on. We have been a team for so many years, only having each other. It hurts my heart, more than anyone could possibly understand that we no longer have that tight-nit relationship. I feel that it is beyond fixable at this point and I struggle to accept this. I need to realize that things have changed and that I cannot force her to love me. I know that until she gets my nephew out of her home, things will not change between us. I cannot even begin to put myself in her shoes, knowing that she feels uncomfortable in her own home. She needs to learn to stand up for herself and not let him use her like he is. I have to come to terms with the fact that this situation is out of my control and there is nothing that I can do to change it. He is continually stealing from her, pictures are now missing off of her wall and her intimate garments are being worn by his girlfriend. She is allowing this to happen by not standing up to him. I wish she could find the strength to stand up to others. It may not be easy sometimes, but it has to be done. I have learned this the hard way.
One night, while watching the Eddie Murphy movie 1000 Words...everything had hit me like a ton of bricks. (A few drinks may have been involved, but that is besides the point) I miss my family! When I had gone to my brothers for gingerbread day, I actually had a really good time. I miss being able to go over there without having to have my guard up. I like visiting, eating and making things together while enjoying each other. It breaks my heart to think that we can no longer have visits like this on a regular basis. Our family has changed. Most of the time I feel like I no longer belong, I guess I just need to take the good times when I can get them. I need to learn to not let my feelings be hurt when I am not invited over and to brush hurtful comments off of my shoulders. I need to learn to take their insensitivities with a grain of salt.
When it comes to the friendships that I have with others, I find myself confused. I find it harder to trust others and sometimes question their intentions. Does anyone realize how bad it feels to only be wanted when it is convenient for the other person? I have never and would never treat someone like that. Either be my friend all the time, or not at all. I deserve more. I always put my whole heart into a friendship and find it baffling that others cannot do the same. Why is it so hard to make friends? Or to find friends that are genuine? Why is it even important for me to have friends? Why can I not just be content? Is it really that easy for others to turn the other cheek? Maybe they didn't care about our friendship as much as I did. I wish that I would have realized this from the beginning. I want to change my way of thinking. I wish I didn't care so much. Remember Melissa, it is their loss...not yours.
Isn't it funny that a little six letter word can be so scary? We have been through so much change over the years. Some great and some out right terrifying. Things finally feel comfortable and the thought of change, scares me. The talk of having a child, is not an easy one. We go back and forth on the subject, mostly ending in disagreements. Deep in my heart, I want nothing more than to be a mom. I worry that the husband is not on the same page as me. Maybe he is just scared too? I don't want to go on this journey by myself. I want to do it together. I don't want us to grow apart. It has just been the two of us for twelve years. Would having a baby change our relationship? Would I have more love for the baby than my husband? What if I don't like being a mom? Am I capable? What if we cannot conceive, would I be able to live with that? Would we grow apart or would we be closer than ever? Am I ready to take a tole on my body? Doctors appointments, needles and body aches? Would we feel complete? Would having our own family make us feel complete? Are we complete now? I just don't have the answers. Maybe nobody does? After not using any contraceptives for a little over a year now, we are taking the steps next month to increase our chances. It scares me that I don't know if I am ready. And it terrifies me that I want this more than anything and yet...it may not be in the cards for us. I don't want to make any changes in our lives, especially when I do not know what the outcome may be. Maybe we both need to just take a leap of faith and see what happens. I know for sure that I do not like not being in control. I wish that the husband would be more open, not leaving me to assume how he feels. I fear the day I see a positive sign that I will be the only one with a smile on my face. I fear that this will be a long/tough road for us and that he may have a sigh of relief if nothing comes from our trying. This should be a natural life step for us to be taking, why are we so torn?
Maybe I am not meant to know all of the answers.
Let go Melissa
