Heartache

These last couple of years, the month of June has proven to be difficult. This year has most definitely taken the cake. This year I prepared myself to not get my hopes up about getting tickets to my nephews graduation. In 2010 my first nephew graduated high school and it was a free for all, you did not need a ticket to enter. 2011 my second nephew graduated and this time the school required a ticket to enter. I did not get one because my sister at this time still had the up most hatred for me and refused to let me go, I tried with all my might to get one and had no such luck, this really was hard on me. This year, my third nephew is graduating {is it bad that I am happy we get a little break after this? It has been hard having them all so close in age!} I told myself not to expect a ticket and that I would not be attending and to try my hardest not to let it bother me. Two weeks ago I got a phone call from the boys' father, he had said that he went to the school and got himself four tickets, one for himself and his wife and two for his family...unfortunately his family wouldn't be able to make it and would me and the husband like the tickets. Now here is the thing, the old me would have jumped all over this opportunity, but something was holding me back and was causing me to hesitate. I did not have a good feeling about any of this. I would love more than anything to see him walk across that stage, but the drama and looking over my shoulder feeling would be overwhelming and who knows what the consequences of me being there and my sister seeing me would be. I don't want all this drama in my life, it has become too much. Graduation is this coming Saturday and I am still back and forth on if I should go or not.

Yesterday: I was sitting at home minding my own business, I had received a new text message {that was sent multiple times over and over again including one hurtful thing after another}...

I have no words for how I felt after reading this. Angry? Sad? Scared? Shocked? Maybe all of the above. I have never had anyone talk to me this way, let alone my own sister. How dare she? I didn't know where this was even coming from? *Side note: I do however find it amusing how bad of a speller she is. HA!* After a few phone calls I had found out that she went to the school to purchase the extra tickets, the school informed her that a family member had already came and gotten them. Did she take is upon herself to assume it was me?! I did not go get those tickets!!! Even if I had been the one, what right does that give her to wish me DEAD?! That has beyond crossed the line. She has said some really horrible things to me over the last couple years, but this was just plain wrong. It has really shook me to the core. I did not respond, nor will I, I have ignored her ignorant comments since the beginning of all this drama {see blogs Loosing a sister and Family?} I refuse to get down on her level or to show her that her comments have gotten to me.

I really don't know what hurts most? I use to be such a big part of her life and it really does sting to hear things come out of her mouth like that. Does she really have that much hatred for me? Does she really want me dead? Should I even care what she thinks? I have done nothing to deserve this! I have done nothing wrong! How could someone, let alone your "family", be so cruel?! I asked myself time and time again how much longer I could hang onto whatever relationships I had left with my family, I think know this is the breaking point. Oh and in case you were wondering we decided to not attend the graduation! I would hate for her to cause a scene and ruin my nephews special day. She is unpredictable and I do not trust her. I wonder if by not going that she will either think her words got to me and that is why I was a no show or that it will show her I wasn't the one who got the tickets in the first place, then again...why does it even matter what she thinks? She doesn't deserve this much thought or attention.

Yet again I have to slap a shit eating grin on my face and just try to move on. How many times can I do this? It is getting old.