Thirty

I can finally say "thirty" without my throat growing tight and tears forming in my eyes. I wasn't quite sure what my birthday was going to bring. I figured that I would wake up with a new sense of wisdom. Instead, I woke up with some new gray hairs and a minor hot flash.

My mom had decided to throw me a surprise birthday dinner the night of my actual birthday. Don't get me wrong, the fact that she thought to plan something nice for my birthday was very flattering. But the dinner was filled with stress and awkwardness. Thank goodness I was able to get a few drinks in me!

My liquid courage. 

Let's start at the beginning. The best friend took me to the local casino for lunch and gambling on the day of my birthday. You get $20 on your birthday at the casino just for showing your rewards card. March also happens to be the month I originally signed up for my card, so I received an additional $10. That would be thirty bucks just for walking in the door. I was already up! We indulged with fish and chips, pineapple coleslaw and a decadent dish of creme brulee'. It was heavenly. We played a new Michael Jackson slot machine where I ended up walking away with $100! It was turning out to be an amazing day. The best friend had mentioned that we would be meeting my mom for dinner later in the evening. I thought something was up, which was confirmed when my brother text messaged me that that morning saying that he would see me later for dinner.

Upon "meeting my mom" for dinner, we walked into a large room at one of my favorite restaurants. There were balloons, decorations, food and a few close friends. I felt loved and was anxious to sit down and visit with everyone. I was a little bummed that the husband couldn't be there, but with his work schedule it is always hard for him to be able to do things during the work week. As the minutes went by, more people began entering the room. It wasn't until I saw my ex brother-in-law and nephews, that my heart sunk to the floor. A lot of things ran through my mind. Why were they there? Who invited them? Would they have something rude to say? Or would they just act fake? I turned to the best friend and whispered that if my crack-head sister walked through the door, that I would promptly leave. Thankfully she never showed up.

My oldest nephew was a no show, not surprising considering the last time I saw him I asked him to leave my mothers house due to his drug use and blatant disrespect towards her. My other nephews gave me hugs and birthday wishes, but it all felt so fake. They haven't cared to be a part of my life for years. They didn't need to wish me a happy birthday and make an appearance just because it was a special occasion. Oh and did I mention that the obviously pregnant teen girlfriend walked in the door with them? I instantly had a lump in my throat.

As people proceeded to eat, I made my rounds so that I could visit with everyone. I made sure to bring along my drink to build up that liquid courage. The night continued with gifts, an awkward letter reading from my sister-in-law, a heartfelt speech from my friend and some cake. It made me sad to think that there was an entire room full of people and yet only a couple of them were genuine. Not one of those being a family member.

My nephew finally found the courage to tell me about the pregnancy. He expressed a lot of fear and seemed to show interest in wanting to stay in contact with me. Even with a buzz, I knew not to let my guard down. My gut turned out to be spot on because not even one week later, things were back to how they have always been. My sister threw a fit about everyone attending a birthday party for me (especially her ex-husband and children) and even though I tried reaching out to my nephew, he so coldly informed me that his mom and dad are there for him and he doesn't need my advice or support. Ouch. After all, I raised him. I tucked him into bed when his parents had no care to come home at night. I packed his backpack each night and always made sure dinner was on the table. It will be hard to see him bring a baby into this world at such a young age, especially knowing that we are no longer close.

I thanked my mom for the nice gesture of the birthday dinner, but secretly wished it never happened.

Oh and that rant that my sister made about my birthday? For once my mom and brother had realized how irrational she is. It only took them five years. However, I have learned my lesson and know better than to think this will last. She will suck them in with her addict ways and I will once again be pushed to the back burner. Or off the oven at this point. But it's okay. Sadly I am used to this treatment from my family and expect no less. I have created my own little world and like living in it.

The husband had planned to take me to our favorite restaurant (P.F. Changs) on the weekend. Plans got canceled because he had a tooth ache and was worried about not being able to enjoy the food. I understood where he was coming from, but I was a little pissed. It was a big birthday for me. Should't he just suck and up and take me out anyway? That's what I would have done for him. I thought that maybe he would make a movie night at home or go pick up a dinner for me to enjoy. Nope. We did nothing that weekend. He says he will make it up to me, but it's May and I no longer care to celebrate my birthday. It is done and over with. I know you may think I am being completely insensitive. And I may be. But it was my birthday and I was really looking forward to my husband taking my out and spoiling my for the day. Had I known our weekend was going to pan out like that, I would have made sure he took my actual birthday off so that he could have been a part of the festivities. Oh well.

And for my last bitchfest, I had received a little over $400 for my birthday. I'm pretty sure that is the most I have EVER gotten for a birthday. I had asked for cash so that I could treat myself to some new clothes (mine are finally starting to no longer fit) and to get a tattoo in honor of my friend Heather. Instead, every last penny went into the bank so that we could cover bills. I lied, not every penny. I spent $18 on a pair of shoes for myself. Seriously, I cannot make this up. My freelance writing gig had gone bottoms up unexpectedly, which left us strapped for cash. I know you should never count on something like that for work, but I had been doing it for two years and got comfortable with working from home and bringing in money. Lesson learned.

So needless to say, my birthday did not turn out as I had thought it would. I cried many tears, lashed out of the husband and plotted packing my car and moving to Mexico. Now as I write this, I realize I may have indeed had a minor midlife breakdown. I have to remind myself that things are going to be okay. That money I got for my birthday? Maybe it was a blessing in disguise so that we could place it in the bank and cover our bills. Even though my family is fake and hurtful at times, at least they remembered my birthday and acknowledged me for once. And the plans with my husband? Don't worry, he is going to make it up to me and it is going to be spectacular. If he knows what is best for him.

At the end of the day, I had an amazing trip to Oregon to celebrate my birthday. Many people sent me birthday wishes and made me feel loved. I am married, own a house and am starting to find that wisdom I so desperately need. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I don't have any work lined up for the summer months and plan to take this time to discover myself. I want to read more, work on my tan and do some work around the house. A childhood friend of mine just had a baby and has asked me to watch her when she goes back to work. The thought of having a baby in the house is exciting, even though I will be on a different schedule than the husband. It will take a lot of getting used to, but the money will help us and secretly I have always wanted to be a nanny! I look forward to wearing an apron around the house with a baby on my hip.

I know better than to say "things are looking up", but I do feel confident enough to say that I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think I got this thirty thing figured out.

30 Doesn't look too bad on me.