I have not written about any of my family issues in quite some time. I guess it is because I don't really want to see my thoughts written out, I don't want to shed anymore tears or deal with this aching pain in my heart. I have to remind myself that writing about it, is good and helps to get these stresses off of my shoulders. Here goes nothing...
Right after Mother's Day, my oldest nephew had gone missing for a week. I was the only person in the family that tried looking for him. I was afraid that he had no where to stay or was getting into trouble. It took me five days to find him. He told me that he was not happy at home and did not get along with his moms new husband. He wanted to work hard in school and get his life on the right track. I told him that he could come stay with me but that I had rules, no drugs or sex in my home. He did not like these rules and decided that he would like to go live with my mom. I did not like this idea from the beginning, but my mom felt like he had no where else to go and she wanted to take him in.
Since he has moved in, shit has splattered all over the fan. My moms health has been declining recently and she has been having a really hard time. Because my mother and I are still struggling with our relationship, we do not speak often and go long periods without talking to each other. She had confided in my about a month ago that her pain pills had gone missing. Of course we knew who had taken them. I told her this was not ok and that she should say something to him. She was afraid of "upsetting" him and just wanted to let this incident slide. Within a three weeks period, he had stolen her pain pills, blood pressure and depression medicine. He stole most of her jewelry, some of which were her mothers that is now passed. And some other important things of hers that are irreplaceable. He comes to her house and passes out in the middle of the day. It is now apparent that his drug use has gotten out of control...just like his mom.
This has kept me up for nights on end. I decided to head over to her house and install a lock on her bedroom door. While I was there, I searched his room in hopes of finding her belongings. I found multiple empty alcohol bottles, baggies full of pills, stolen items stuffed in dresser doors and mason jars under his bed containing drugs. My anger out weighed the feeling of my heart breaking. I took pictures of what I found, I will not post them for obvious reasons. I sent them to my brother and told him in so many words to deal with it. My mom is too worried of upsetting him {even though he clearly does not care about her feelings} and does not want my addict sister upset with her either if she were to kick him out. Therefore, this gets placed on our shoulders to get something done.
Yesterday my mom had to have surgery and I was going to be there for her and take care of her for the day. Upon arriving to her house, she told me that stuff was missing out of her purse and that drugs were found in the laundry room. She gave me the drugs to discard. This day also happened to be my nephews 21st birthday. I was sure that being his birthday that he would not be at her house, he would be out getting drunk. This was fine with me so that my mom could rest and recover from surgery. I was wrong. He walked into her home at 7pm, absolutely intoxicated. I know he had been drinking, but this was more than that. He was talking a mile a minute, not making sense, stunk of sweat and proceeded to make a plate of brownies, put it on the floor and eat it like a dog. I could see on my moms face that she was scared and devastated. My mind was telling me to grab him by the hair and throw him outside, my body was frozen and scared.
What the hell had happened to my first born nephew? I love him more than anything in this world, yet he has turned out just like his mom and is everything that I hate. I never thought, or maybe didn't want to believe, that he would ever do this to my mom. I called my brother immediately to tell him what had happened. He did not want to make a fuss about it and upset my mom while she was recovering and said he would figure something out soon. My nephew passed out right away and slept for the next 15 hours. As I got my mom ready for bed that night, I tucked her in and put the phone next to her pillow. I told her good night and that I loved her. As I walked out of her room, she asked me to lock the door to her bedroom so that she would feel safe. My heart fell to the floor. I was sick to my stomach leaving her there with him in the house. I cried the whole way home.
I have so much hurt and anger. On one hand, I feel bad that my mom is going through this and there is nothing I can do to help. On the other hand, I am happy that she is going through this and finally seeing first hand what I have seen for years and why I wanted to walk away from my sister and her children. October will be one year since I have seen my other nephews. A piece of my heart is broken, yet I am getting use to it and find myself saying "good riddance" more and more.
I don't expect anyone to have read this whole thing, it wasn't for you. It was for me...I want to look back at this one day and remind myself why I chose to make a life for myself and get this negativity out of my life. Even though I have my husband, I feel so alone and lost. My emotions are all over the place and I am really struggling to get the sorted out. Not really sure where to go from here...I know that it will get worse before it gets better and I am not ready for that.
“Whether you sniff it smoke it eat it or shove it up your ass the result is the same: addiction.”
-William S. Burroughs
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