Max

The best friend had recently gotten a new barbecue and no longer had a need for her older one. Knowing that we did not have one, she offered to give us her old one. We were excited to be able to cook outdoors during the summer and enjoy barbecued food without having to invite ourselves over to someones house and beg for food. She had told me that they would drop it by before heading to the Strawberry Fest. When she showed up, we went outside to assist. I first noticed that the barbecue was black, and not silver like her old one. I figured that a cover or something was missing. I asked her husband if he had a hard time getting the barbecue off of their two story deck, he gave me a quick chuckle and said, "Nope!". Her husband and son worked hard to load the barbecue into our garage. It did not take long to notice that it was not in fact her old one. IT WAS A BRAND NEW BARBECUE!! What?!

Not only did they buy us a spankin brand new barbecue, but they also got us a gas tank and tools to cook with. They said that their old barbecue was not working and that they wanted to be able to give us one. We had no words and had to pick our jaws up off the ground. No one had ever done something nice like that for us.

Meet the newest member of the family, Max.

Strawberry Fest June 15th

One of my favorite events of the year is the local Strawberry Fest! We have gone every year since we moved to town. This year we had a group of friends who decided to tag along, which made it even more fun than years prior. We first started with walking around the fair to shop at all the booths and indulge in all the different fair foods offered. We didn't find anything that we wanted to buy from the booths, but I did manage to stuff my face with one of those to-die-for hand dipped corn dogs. I could literally eat 100 of those bad boys. Before heading to the parade, we loaded up on donuts, elephant ears and cheesecake filled strawberries. Don't judge us.

We got our chairs set out and quickly sat down so that we could stuff our faces with all the yummy desserts that we picked out. Some more friends found us at the parade and sat with us to enjoy the festivities. The parade lasts well over two hours and has a large variety of different floats, cars, clowns and pirates. BOOM! That pirate ship gets me every time. It gets a little chilly when the sun goes down so we walk over to the coffee stand and get a forty two ounce hot chocolate. Not kidding. It is warm and delicious! After the parade is over, the city puts on a firework show to end the night off with a bang. <-- see what I did there?

Grandparents

It still hasn't sunk in that my grandfather is no longer with us. Sometimes I just feel as though I am not checking on him and that he is being well taken care of in his home. The husband and I were talking the other night about how unfortunate it is that at our age, neither one of us have any grandparents left. It isn't fair. The best friend has a grandfather that is ninety nine! Another friend of mine has a grandmother that is ninety two and they get to go to dinner together weekly. Both of these friends are ten plus years older than us. All of my biological grandparents had passed before I was nine years old. However, my step-grandfather has been there since the day I was born and always showered me with love. He is the one that just left us in January. I knew life without him would be hard, but I never knew it would be this hard. I have friends that have no idea what it is like to lose a parent, yet I have to watch them fall apart when the day comes for them to say goodbye to their grandparents. That's going to be hard for me. At least they have had this time with their parents/grandparents well into their adult lives. I need to find compassion, it is never easy to lose someone. I do have a right to be angry though. Why were these cards dealt to us? If we ever have children, between the two of us they will only have one grandparent. That isn't fair to them either! I want our children to be able to grow up with grandparents. Love those closest to you and spend all your time with them, as you have no idea how lucky you are to have them in your life.

I saw this on PostSecret the other day and found it to be fitting for this blog. 

I do not intend for this blog to be unsympathetic. Unfortunately, you would feel the same way if you also had to wear the same shoes as we do.

Childhood homes and visit with Dad

Before we headed to go see Theresa, the best friend had suggested that we drive around town and look at all the houses that I lived in throughout my childhood. Afterwards, we could swing by the cemetery to visit with dad. I had not planned on going to visit my dad, it is harder for me than I would like to admit. Being that it was almost Father's Day and that we were going to be in the area, I knew it would be best to stop by and say hi. We first decided to go look at the homes. The best friend has known me since I was two and is twelve years older than me. She has a great memory and knew exactly where the different houses were located. She took me to a few houses that I had a hard time remembering. Two stuck out in my mind.

I have a lot of memories of this house. My older brother and sister still lived at home before running off to college and having babies. I sometimes miss these moments when we were still a family. I remember a big cherry blossom tree in the front yard and would stare out the window for hours when it would "rain" pink petals. There was even a time when the brother brought his motorcycle in the living room for a photo shoot prop involving suggestively clothed ladies. He bribed me with cereal to never tell our mother. I kept that secret well into adulthood! My brother met his future wife while we lived there (now married 19 years). We also found out my sister was pregnant with her first child when we lived there (he is now 22!). Crazy how fast time goes by.

Building process 1983

2013

I do not have any memories of the above house. My father had it built right before I was born. He wanted to be able to give my mother a nice home to raise us kids. They separated when I was two and we quickly moved as the house was too large and expensive for my mother to handle on her own. He was proud of this house and all the work and effort he put into the making of it. I always said that one day I would love to buy it. However, it is considerably more now than what it was when he had it built.

After we drove around forever and stopped for lunch, we headed to the cemetery. I have been to the cemetery more times than I can count. Every time I drive through the entrance, tears form in my eyes. Something weird happened this time though. I didn't cry. It hit me like a ton of bricks. I have been visiting my father at the cemetery for more than half of my life and I am only twenty nine. It almost seems normal for me to place flowers on his tombstone and talk to him like he is sitting there with me. My father lives at the cemetery and that is where I go to visit with him. As awful as that may be, it seems normal after all of these years. Instead of feeling sorrow, I felt happy to be able to see his tombstone with his picture and know that he was looking down on me in that moment. It never gets better, but eventually it gets a little easier to live with. It only took me eighteen long years to get to this point.

Long Island Medium June 13th

When the Long Island Medium show had first aired on TLC, I knew that I would one day have a reading done by Theresa Caputo. I dream of hearing a message from my dad. Being that I am in Washington and she is in New Jersey and has a two year waiting list, I knew that my dream would take some money, time and effort. A few months back I had a wild idea to look on her website and see if she had any tours coming up. There it was on the front page "Live Events Calender". I was sure that there was no way she would be coming all the way to the great Pacific Northwest. With a few clicks of the mouse, I soon saw "Paramount Theater- Seattle WA". WHAT?!?! She was coming to Seattle? Theresa friggin Caputo was going to be in my hometown? This couldn't be true. I clicked to find available tickets and was relieved to see that there were just a few left for floor seats. The price didn't matter to me, I would have mortgaged my house just to go see her. I grabbed a ticket for me, the best friend and my mom..

The night of, we left early to beat traffic (ha!) and went to our favorite restaurant before hand.  The Cheesecake Factory. Their menu is 146 pages long and the food is outstanding. We indulged in fried macaroni and yummy desserts. My mom had been experiencing some health issues, but she was a trooper that night. It was hard to see her in so much pain, but I knew it was just as important to her as it was me to be able to see Theresa. We headed to the theater and started growing anxious. Were we going to get a reading?  What was she going to talk about? Would we be able to meet her??

While sitting in our seats waiting for the show to start, I happened to glance over as a man walked through the door behind us. I saw his tan, muscular, tattooed arms first. Then his beautiful smile and salty hair caught my eye. IT WAS LARRY!! Theresa's drop-dead-gorgeous husband. A light shined down as angels sang while he walked down the isle. I made sure to scream out his name. He turned around and waved his handsome hand our way. The. Best. Thing. Of. My. Life. It was hard not to fling my body on him and profess my love. I had to catch my breath.

The crowd cheered as the show started. Theresa was even cuter in person than she is on TV. She was short, with tall, blonde hair and high heels that sparkled. Her nails were long and her accent was heavy. She swore more than I thought she would, "Shit" was a favorite. She spoke a little about her life and gift and then started to make her way into the crowd. The first reading was for a family in the front row who had lost a loved one. The stories were emotional and the crowd anxious in hopes that they would get a turn. She proceeded to give readings for the next two hours. I was not sure what to expect. I thought that she would wander around the theater and deliver short messages. Instead she only spoke to a couples hand fulls of people at fifteen plus minutes per reading. I started to wonder if people had paid extra for their specific seats for a guaranteed reading? The closest she got to us was the next isle over and about five rows down. My heart pounded as she came closer, but I quickly realized that we would not be getting a reading.

Overall, I loved seeing her in person and witnessing her gift. I would still love to get a reading from her though.

No bake Reese's Pieces cookies

The husband's favorite treat of all time are no bake mountain bars. I love how easy they are to make and how mouth watering delicious they are. They do not last very long in our house. While wasting the day away looking at Pinterest, I had run across an amazing alternative to the classic recipe. Instead of chocolate being the main ingredient, more peanut butter is used and Reese's Pieces are used. Oh. My. God. Where had this been all my life? I couldn't get to the store fast enough to retrieve all the things needed to make this heavenly treat.

Ingredients: 

• 2 cup granulated sugar
• 1/2 cup skim milk
• 1/2 cup unsalted butter
• 1 tsp vanilla extract
• pinch of salt
• 1/2 cup creamy peanut butter
• 3 cup quick cook oatmeal
• 1 1/2 cup Reese's Pieces (1 large bag or 4 smaller bags) 

Directions: 

1. In a large pot, add sugar, milk and butter. Bring to a boil over medium high heat. Boil for one full minute. Remove from heat. Add vanilla, salt and peanut butter. Stir until smooth. Fold in oats, stirring until completely combined. Fold in candy.
2. Lay out a large piece of parchment paper on counter. Using two spoons, drop cookie dough by large tablespoon onto paper. Allow to set (about 20 minutes). Store in a covered, airtight container. ENJOY!

I will admit that I ate more than I should have. They were ahhhmazing. 

Reassurance

Being that I am still having to play catch up with my blog, I sometimes forget what it was that I intended to write about. I tend to write a topic and save it for a later date when I have some free time to write. I saw the topic "Reassurance" in my drafts and scratched my head as to what I intended to write. I thought about deleting this draft, but figured that it was there for a reason. I have sat here saying the word "reassurance" over and over again in hopes that something would click. So here goes the first thing that has come to mind...

This damn baby subject. Never did I think it would be as much of a headache as it has proven to be. I have been off of birth control for well over a year now, with only one or two periods in between. I am always highly emotional and moody. I have hair growing in places it shouldn't, I'm overweight and my stress level has been higher than it has ever been. Not having medical, I have yet to go to the doctor to diagnose my infertility issues. If we are going to be honest, it wouldn't hurt to have sex more than we actually do. But I know that is not the number one underlying issue. I place all the pressure on my shoulders, when I know that this needs to be discussed and worked upon by the both of us. Sometimes I wonder if he is sighing in relief that nothing has come of our efforts thus far. I continuously ask him what percentage it is that he would like to have a baby with me. "50" is always his response. Maybe he is afraid, maybe he is scared. Or...maybe he truly doesn't want to have a baby and is afraid to tell me. One night while laying in bed, I grabbed a piece of paper and wrote down my feelings.

I feel as though you do not realize how important and confusing this time of my life is. All I need is your upmost support. I do not ask for much in our marriage and have given nothing but support and understanding throughout the years. I know you feel as though you are being supportive, but I am in need of more. It takes a lot for me to ask this of you, but please take a walk in my shoes and try to best understand my thoughts and concerns. I would love more than anything to be a mother and to have a chance to make a family with you. You have been by my side for going on thirteen years and I want us to enjoy this next chapter of our lives together. I am scared too, but life it full of taking chances. I feel as though we deserve this opportunity. I would be so lucky to call you the father of my child. If a baby is not in the cards for us, then so be it. Life has had a funny way of laying out the cards for us. I am in this marriage until forever. You have already given me the life I have always dreamt of . As long as I am by your side, I will be happy. We are forever. 

I am approaching the big 3-0 (gulp) and cannot help but to have this on my mind daily. Now is the perfect time for us to have a baby. We have been married for almost three years now and have enjoyed this time together. We have a house, cars and near zero debt. How much more prepared could we be? If having children is not in the cards for us, I truly do not know how I will cope with that decision. Do I wait around forever in hopes that one day he will walk in the door with a huge smile on his face, proclaiming that he would want nothing more than for me to have a baby with him? Do I move on and leave this subject to rest? This runs rounds in my head, without a answer in sight.

Back to the word reassurance. Throughout our relationship, I have NEVER had to worry about trust issues. We do not argue about religion nor politics. We sometimes argue about money, but who doesn't.? The one thing I crave is reassurance.

"The action of removing someone's doubts or fears." 

I want to be able to discuss our future without arguing or growing frustrated. I want him to tell me that he would love to one day make a family with me. I need strength to deal with the harsh reality that this may be something that he doesn't want. Time will tell. I am a huge believer in fate and know that if we are meant to have children, that we will. I need to let go and enjoy this life that we are living in the moment.

*This blog was extremely emotional and hard for me to put into words. Any and all negative comments will be deleted.*