Thirty

I can finally say "thirty" without my throat growing tight and tears forming in my eyes. I wasn't quite sure what my birthday was going to bring. I figured that I would wake up with a new sense of wisdom. Instead, I woke up with some new gray hairs and a minor hot flash.

My mom had decided to throw me a surprise birthday dinner the night of my actual birthday. Don't get me wrong, the fact that she thought to plan something nice for my birthday was very flattering. But the dinner was filled with stress and awkwardness. Thank goodness I was able to get a few drinks in me!

My liquid courage. 

Let's start at the beginning. The best friend took me to the local casino for lunch and gambling on the day of my birthday. You get $20 on your birthday at the casino just for showing your rewards card. March also happens to be the month I originally signed up for my card, so I received an additional $10. That would be thirty bucks just for walking in the door. I was already up! We indulged with fish and chips, pineapple coleslaw and a decadent dish of creme brulee'. It was heavenly. We played a new Michael Jackson slot machine where I ended up walking away with $100! It was turning out to be an amazing day. The best friend had mentioned that we would be meeting my mom for dinner later in the evening. I thought something was up, which was confirmed when my brother text messaged me that that morning saying that he would see me later for dinner.

Upon "meeting my mom" for dinner, we walked into a large room at one of my favorite restaurants. There were balloons, decorations, food and a few close friends. I felt loved and was anxious to sit down and visit with everyone. I was a little bummed that the husband couldn't be there, but with his work schedule it is always hard for him to be able to do things during the work week. As the minutes went by, more people began entering the room. It wasn't until I saw my ex brother-in-law and nephews, that my heart sunk to the floor. A lot of things ran through my mind. Why were they there? Who invited them? Would they have something rude to say? Or would they just act fake? I turned to the best friend and whispered that if my crack-head sister walked through the door, that I would promptly leave. Thankfully she never showed up.

My oldest nephew was a no show, not surprising considering the last time I saw him I asked him to leave my mothers house due to his drug use and blatant disrespect towards her. My other nephews gave me hugs and birthday wishes, but it all felt so fake. They haven't cared to be a part of my life for years. They didn't need to wish me a happy birthday and make an appearance just because it was a special occasion. Oh and did I mention that the obviously pregnant teen girlfriend walked in the door with them? I instantly had a lump in my throat.

As people proceeded to eat, I made my rounds so that I could visit with everyone. I made sure to bring along my drink to build up that liquid courage. The night continued with gifts, an awkward letter reading from my sister-in-law, a heartfelt speech from my friend and some cake. It made me sad to think that there was an entire room full of people and yet only a couple of them were genuine. Not one of those being a family member.

My nephew finally found the courage to tell me about the pregnancy. He expressed a lot of fear and seemed to show interest in wanting to stay in contact with me. Even with a buzz, I knew not to let my guard down. My gut turned out to be spot on because not even one week later, things were back to how they have always been. My sister threw a fit about everyone attending a birthday party for me (especially her ex-husband and children) and even though I tried reaching out to my nephew, he so coldly informed me that his mom and dad are there for him and he doesn't need my advice or support. Ouch. After all, I raised him. I tucked him into bed when his parents had no care to come home at night. I packed his backpack each night and always made sure dinner was on the table. It will be hard to see him bring a baby into this world at such a young age, especially knowing that we are no longer close.

I thanked my mom for the nice gesture of the birthday dinner, but secretly wished it never happened.

Oh and that rant that my sister made about my birthday? For once my mom and brother had realized how irrational she is. It only took them five years. However, I have learned my lesson and know better than to think this will last. She will suck them in with her addict ways and I will once again be pushed to the back burner. Or off the oven at this point. But it's okay. Sadly I am used to this treatment from my family and expect no less. I have created my own little world and like living in it.

The husband had planned to take me to our favorite restaurant (P.F. Changs) on the weekend. Plans got canceled because he had a tooth ache and was worried about not being able to enjoy the food. I understood where he was coming from, but I was a little pissed. It was a big birthday for me. Should't he just suck and up and take me out anyway? That's what I would have done for him. I thought that maybe he would make a movie night at home or go pick up a dinner for me to enjoy. Nope. We did nothing that weekend. He says he will make it up to me, but it's May and I no longer care to celebrate my birthday. It is done and over with. I know you may think I am being completely insensitive. And I may be. But it was my birthday and I was really looking forward to my husband taking my out and spoiling my for the day. Had I known our weekend was going to pan out like that, I would have made sure he took my actual birthday off so that he could have been a part of the festivities. Oh well.

And for my last bitchfest, I had received a little over $400 for my birthday. I'm pretty sure that is the most I have EVER gotten for a birthday. I had asked for cash so that I could treat myself to some new clothes (mine are finally starting to no longer fit) and to get a tattoo in honor of my friend Heather. Instead, every last penny went into the bank so that we could cover bills. I lied, not every penny. I spent $18 on a pair of shoes for myself. Seriously, I cannot make this up. My freelance writing gig had gone bottoms up unexpectedly, which left us strapped for cash. I know you should never count on something like that for work, but I had been doing it for two years and got comfortable with working from home and bringing in money. Lesson learned.

So needless to say, my birthday did not turn out as I had thought it would. I cried many tears, lashed out of the husband and plotted packing my car and moving to Mexico. Now as I write this, I realize I may have indeed had a minor midlife breakdown. I have to remind myself that things are going to be okay. That money I got for my birthday? Maybe it was a blessing in disguise so that we could place it in the bank and cover our bills. Even though my family is fake and hurtful at times, at least they remembered my birthday and acknowledged me for once. And the plans with my husband? Don't worry, he is going to make it up to me and it is going to be spectacular. If he knows what is best for him.

At the end of the day, I had an amazing trip to Oregon to celebrate my birthday. Many people sent me birthday wishes and made me feel loved. I am married, own a house and am starting to find that wisdom I so desperately need. I have a lot to be thankful for.

I don't have any work lined up for the summer months and plan to take this time to discover myself. I want to read more, work on my tan and do some work around the house. A childhood friend of mine just had a baby and has asked me to watch her when she goes back to work. The thought of having a baby in the house is exciting, even though I will be on a different schedule than the husband. It will take a lot of getting used to, but the money will help us and secretly I have always wanted to be a nanny! I look forward to wearing an apron around the house with a baby on my hip.

I know better than to say "things are looking up", but I do feel confident enough to say that I finally see a light at the end of the tunnel. I think I got this thirty thing figured out.

30 Doesn't look too bad on me. 

Last Weekend in my Twenties!

The best friend surprised me with a trip to Oregon for my birthday. What better way to spend the last weekend in my twenties! Life had been hectic and being able to escape to the beach, sounded like just the thing I needed.

We packed the car and made our way down the highway, we had a four hour drive ahead of us! We picked up McDonald's breakfast, ate our weight in donuts, hit a rest stop and three hours later we arrived to our first destination. Fort Stevens State Park is home of the famous Peter Iredale Shipwreck. The wreckage has been on the beach for 98 years! I was not quite sure what to expect...I suppose I thought there would be a large ship with anchor and propeller attached. And that we could climb all over it and pretend to be pirates. In hind sight, it was a big hunk of rusty metal that made me question if my Tetanus shot was up to date. The experience was one I will never forget and the picture opportunity was stunning.

*Note to travelers, do not use the provided public restroom. I am pretty sure I contracted hepatitis as the floors were covered in urine soaked sand.*   

We then made our way to Seaside, a little tourist town not too far from our hotel. Luckily for us, we planned the trip right around spring break! The lines were long and parking was sparse. We managed to enjoy a nice pizza lunch, tour the candy store, eat fried bacon, visit stores and grab sherbet before heading back to the car. We were not able to fit in everything we had intended to do, due to the overwhelming crowds of people. I enjoyed the sun, but would much rather go during off-peak season.

Upon checking into our hotel, we were surprised to see a birthday gift waiting for me on the table.

Wayside! 

We proceeded to open presents before making our way to dinner and the beach.

These rocks have 30 things written on them that describe me. I plan on placing these in a dish and reading them on those days when I feel down about myself. What an amazing gift! 

These came in handy for spying on people at the beach! 

Dinner consisted of some of the best fish and chips we have ever had! The price was a little outrageous, but nothing beats enjoying some fresh fish while visiting the ocean.

We made sure to stock the cooler full of drinks, as you are able to bring alcohol onto the beach! There is something about watching the sun set with a cold drink in hand that makes all the worries of the world disappear. The sand was soft, the breeze was cold and the sound of the waves crashing was like music to my ears.

We had exactly one hour to enjoy the hot tub before it closed for the night. We put on our suits and made our way to the hot awaiting water. We decided to join the people already in there as we did not want to wait around for them to leave. We ended up meeting a nice lady who told us all about her life in the short time that we were in the hot tub. It wasn't much relaxing, but the jets felt wonderful on my sore back. The kind lady finally excused herself so that she could go enjoy a home cooked dinner with her family. They had made pork chops in their room. Lucky them, all we had in our room was a microwave and small fridge in our room! We joked that we should make our way to their room and invite ourselves over for dinner.

After our hot tub excitement, we went back to the room. We got on our pajamas, turned on the fire and played "Never Have I Ever". We laughed until our bellies hurt and had a great time just us girls. It had felt like a long time since we got to have time together like that! Around 10pm we heard a knock on the door. We were sure that it was a complaint from our loud chuckles and the alleged flashing off of our patio. To our surprise...it was the hot tub lady with a plate of dinner!!! Can you believe it?!? That was for sure the highlight of our trip. We didn't end up eating it because we didn't have a fork and let's be honest, would you eat pork chops from your hotel neighbor? Although a nice gesture, it was a little odd.

The next morning started off with a wonderful pancake breakfast at Pigs N Pancake. We had checked the tide schedule before leaving and knew that the tide would be out in the early afternoon. Our hope was to be able to explore Haystack Rock (and take home a starfish!). Upon making our way to the beach, we were excited to see that the water was indeed out and that there was full access to the rock. We saw plenty of star fish, but decided not to take any home. Apparently that is against the law! We also saw hermit grabs and other sea creatures among the rocks.

There were hundred of seagulls atop the large rock. You can imagine our fright when they all started squawking and flying in panic. I was sure we were having an earthquake or gearing up for a major tsunami. All that ran through my mind was that I had no idea where the evacuation route was and that it would take me entirely too long to run through the sand to reach the nearest road. The ocean wouldn't be a bad place to die I suppose. After all, it was no major disaster. There were two eagles flying around the rock! It was a sight to be seen and something I will always remember.

Before heading home, we went back to Seaside to see if we could fit in some stuff that we were unable to do so the day before. It was still crowded, but nothing like it had been. We went to the little aquarium to feed the sea lions! The entire aquarium is roughly the size of my living room and I am pretty sure some of the marine life was near death. PETA would have a hay day with this place. I loved feeding the sea lions, but wish it would have been a little more interactive. All we did was through rotting fish over a steel fence. $28 well spent! I made sure to grab a souvenir to mark our spectacular adventure (a flattened penny).

We visited a few more stores before hopping back into the car. We had four hours ahead of us and no one was looking forward to going back to the "real world". We got Starbucks to put a pep into our step and later had McDonald's for lunch (they sell sherbet there!). Road trips are quite fun when traveling with fun people. Clearly we should try out for American Idol. I am pretty sure not many people can belt out Journey and Notorious B.I.G with such class.

I had an amazing trip and enjoyed myself. C'mon thirty, I am ready for you. 

Goodbye Twenties

Well, there it went. My twenties. Faster than I could have ever imagined. I have been asked a lot over the last few weeks how I feel about welcoming my 30's. And you know what? I gladly accept them with open arms! Don't get me wrong, I am not happy about my accumulating gray hairs and the occasional hot flash, but I am overwhelmingly happy to kiss my 20's goodbye. These last ten years have been pretty hard on me.

• At 22 my husband almost lost his life in a near-fatal car accident. 
• We spent the next 29 months dealing with two surgeries, months of physical therapy, court, mediation, depositions, and unbelievable amounts of paperwork regarding his accident. 
• At 25 the anguish was over and a settlement was reached. 
• That same year we began the building process of our new-construction home and moved in at the end of 2009.
  
• The following year at age 26, we tied the knot!
  
• At the same exact time, my sister tore our family apart.
• Age 28 I began my freelance writing venture and felt like I was finally able to financially contribute to our household. 

In between those years, we lost a lot of loved ones. Including my beloved Uncle Jim and Grandpa. There were also many deaths that we encountered that will forever leave a footprint on our hearts. Losing friends at such a young age and to an unwarranted tragedy, is never easy to understand. Anthony and Brandyn are forever in our thoughts. We also sadly lost my cousin Sunshine to a car accident the night before Thanksgiving. Cancer diagnoses were frequent throughout the years and remain to be something that we struggle with.  

Anthony

Death aside, we also "lost" many friends and family at our own choosing. We finally reached a point in our lives when we decided to rid of negativity and toxic people. When you encounter something tragic in your life (such as his car accident) you often realize who is truly on your side. We sadly saw the true colors of many around us. 

I watched my good friend struggle each day to take a breath and miraculously witnessed her receive two new lungs. Her struggle has inspired many and has empowered me to be a better person and to appreciate what little life we have here on Earth. My heart aches a deep pain as I watch her suffer through the dire rejection process of her transplant. 

My niece got diagnosed with a debilitating disease that will affect her for a lifetime. Even this wasn't enough to bring our family back together. It has been four years since I have been welcomed at the dinner table for birthdays or holidays due to my sister's lewd acts and behavior. My nephews that I once raised, are now distant memories that I clench onto when the pain and frustration becomes too much to bare.   

So here I am...thirty years old. I am still trying to find myself, but am proud at the progress I have made over the years. I have learned to stand up for myself, speak my mind and value my self worth. I have lost and kept off over 50 lbs and continue to tackle this battle of weight and eating better. I wanted to be married, in a home with kids by the time I was 25. Two out of three isn't bad, right? Who knows what the next 10 years have to offer...Anything has to be better than what I have already been through. I am ready and excited for this next chapter of my life.

Be good to me.

Too Sensitive

"Too sensitive". If I had a penny for every time I had that one throw my way, I would sure be rich. I let those two little words get the best of me. Do I cry too often or take things too personally? Maybe I do overreact at times and blow things out of proportion. Does this make me a bad person? Is this a personality trait that many people are not fond of? Has this cost me friendships and situations that could have been prevented? I was starting to let the word "sensitive" define who I was as a person. And then I stumbled upon this article...

16 Habits of Highly Sensitive People

1. They feel deeply.

2. They're more emotionally reactive. 

3. They are probably used to hearing, "Don't take things so personally" and "Why are you so sensitive?"

4. They prefer to exercise solo. 

5. It takes longer for them to make decisions. 

6. And on that note, they are more upset if they make a "bad" or "wrong" decision. 

7. They're extremely detail-oriented. 

8. Not all highly sensitive people are introverts.

9. They work well in team environments. 

10. They're more prone to anxiety or depression. (but only if they've had a lot of past negative experiences).

11. That annoying sound is probably significantly more annoying to a sensitive person. 

12. Violent movies are the worst.

13. They cry more easily.

14. They have above-average manners. 

15. The effects of criticism are especially amplified in highly sensitive people. 

16. Cubicles= good. Open-office plans=bad. 

Well, that just cleared up any confusion I may have had! Clearly I am a highly sensitive person. Minus number 4, considering that I never exercise. You can read the entire article here. And you know what? I no longer give a shit if I am "too sensitive". I would much rather be a caring person with a big heart than someone who is cold without a kind bone in their body. So those of you that think I am too dramatic or overly sensitive, kindly go fuck yourself. :) 

Grieving Mom

The other night while watching Couples Therapy, (Don't judge me, I love my reality TV shows) I had a moment of clarity.  The therapist had said the following statement to one of the celebrities..."You need to grieve the loss of your mom that you wished that she was because she's never going to be that mom.". Wow. That hit a little close to home. She was right! I need to grieve the loss of the mom I wish my mom would be. I now realize that she does not have the capability to do so. It's not right, and it's not fair, but it's reality. Clarity! I think I have finally found it.

Five Guys

Fries, fries and more fries! Have you ever eaten at Five Guys? If not, drop whatever you are doing and run there! You will not spend more than twenty dollars (for two!) and will walk away feeling full with a smile on your face. The burgers are fresh (you get to pick the toppings you want!) and the fries are breathtaking. The best part is that when they place a heaping cup of fries into your bag, they then continue to dump an entire scoop of additional fries on top! HALLELUJAH.

You may be puzzled at what to do with all those extra fries at the bottom of your bag? Well, hold tight my dear readers because I have a great solution for you!

COVER THEM WITH CHEESE AND BACON. THEN PROCEED TO DIP THEM IN RANCH.

Yep, that's bacon sprinkled on top!

Move over Outback Steakhouse, there is a new smothered cheese fry in town. 

(seriously comparable)

*This was not a paid review* 

Easy Cheeseburger Sliders

When I saw this amazing creation on Pinterest, I knew I had to add it to our dinner menu. 

*Photo and recipe courtesy of Better Recipes*

I love anything that is easy to make and yet tastes delicious. Since making the switch to ground turkey versus beef, I wasn't sure that turkey would be good for these little burgers and decided to go ahead with using regular ground beef. It was a nice little change and tasted ahhmazing! I left out the onions as the husband is not a fan. I threw in some crushed Ritz crackers, seasoning and an egg to the meat mixture to add some flavor and give it more volume. 

I also toasted the buns in the oven a bit before serving. 

The finished product was even better than I had imagined it would be (although they did not look as fancy as the recipe photo). The buns were soft, the meat was juicy and the condiments added the perfect touch. We enjoyed these sliders so much that I quickly added them to our dinner menu for the following week. 

Wouldn't these be great for a party??